Ok, let’s get to it. There are guy things, and then there are girl/woman things or rather these are supposed to be the girl/woman things like Robbie Williams and shopping.
Ok for the record, I just don’t get the whole Robbie Williams thing, I am a woman, as red blooded as any other but ROBBIE WILLIAMS??? I mean come on, ROBBIE WILLIAMS??? He has as much sex appeal as a bull terrier, come to think of it he even looks a bit like one, and yet the female population seems to go brain dead at the mention of his name and lose all sense of well….anything.
I mean, as a person I don’t dislike him, I’ve seen him on chat shows, he seems like a nice enough bloke, but that’s about as far as it goes, he’s just a bloke, nothing special. I mean put him next to Hugh Jackman or Viggo Mortenson, (now we’re talking!) or even Ralph Fiennes (phew!), and well Robbie just doesn’t compare does he? He just looks like an enthusiastic schoolboy. No big deal.
And there’s another thing, his music is shit, I mean, ok Angels was alright, I’ll give you that, but seriously, Rock DJ?? Wasn’t that just about the crappiest song you ever wish you had never heard? It was garbage,
‘I doo wanna rock DJ cos you’re BORING ME TO TEARS!! and if I have to listen to that song one more time I’m gonna slit my freaking wrists!!!.’
It was just shit!
Anyway, here’s another thing, what is the shopping thing about? Again I just don’t get it, trailing around shops looking at stuff, trying stuff on, into another shop, the same thing, the music is too loud, I thought this was a shop not a freaking disco! Your back starts to hurt, your temples start to throb, you can feel your brain disintegrating, you’re starting to lose the will to live, your life is passing you by, you start to forget that you had a life outside of the shopping centre, the walls are starting to close in, you might never get out of here again, 'Weren’t we in this shop already?'
They’re all starting to look the same, the all have the same stuff,
'Just buy the freaking jeans so’s I can get out of here!!'
…your chest starts to tighten….you can’t breathe….you’re trapped in hell…you thought it was a quick look to see what’s there and it’s turning into an episode of Eerie Indiana….you’re going to be trapped in the shopping centre for the rest of your life and you just have to keep shopping forever and ever!!!!!! Ahhhhhhhh!!!!!!!
And then, just when you are on the verge of cracking you spy the book shop, you almost cry with relief, you’ve been saved, just in time! You walk in and make straight for the classics section, nothing like a few Dickens or Bronte’s titles to restore equilibrium.
You remember, that’s right, I did have a life before this, I read books, yes books....... like Great Expectations, Wuthering Heights, you glance around, you’re starting to feel better, your eyes fall on the TV/Film section….and there on the top shelf you see,
The Wonders of the Universe by Professor Brian Cox, ….YES!!!
You have been saved………you feel safe again, your breathing has steadied, you walk over and lift it off the shelf, you stroke it’s cover and console yourself with the thought that yes, there is intelligent life out there and one day in the future…….PEOPLE WILL THINK AGAIN!!! And so just to nudge the world in that direction you take as many copies as you can and place them over Robbie Williams autobiography before you leave.