Just had the dream of my life. 

The characters are Adam, my Dad, Lee and David Ramsey. 

I come to, I am in my bedroom and I somehow have the option to gain video access to Adam's bedroom. But do I use that access? The access is there but I never get round to using it. 

In any case, Adam is coming over. He comes over. But somehow I have wind of the fact that Adam is not so much "for" me, but against me, in many ways. 

He has been working on Balance Inc, his work that involves writing songs, writing films and writing a book. 

And yet Adam is against me, pretending to be my friend. But somehow I have wind of that, and it eventually transpires that I can see he is using me, and I am the subject of a prank film he is making. 

"What shall I say to him," says Adam to a female accomplice, a neighbour of mine who tells him his motivation. I forget the motivating line. 

I get Dad involved. Dad is clearly on my side. He gives me support and advice, and backs me all the way. The three of us are in the garage when Dad and I confront Adam. "Adam, this is all fake!" we say. 

Adam draws a gun. 

"Fine," I say. "Shoot me!" 

Adam shoots me in the heart, but I am still alive and I rough-talk Adam to the point that he shoots himself in the head, through guilt. 

But Adam is still alive. 

A great battle ensues. Adam is strong, and in real life stronger than me and would wallop me. But in this dream I match him, and we fight, I guess, and then... all of a sudden... when the fight is over... 

We sit down. 

We watch the television. 

Lee has finally made a film. It's a stop motion plasticine and Lego movie. It's brilliant, so far. I mean it's incredible. 

And in fact, the film is about the altercation that just now took place. 

We see myself represented. I am sitting at a desk, ready to masturbate, but I pause and wait, and don't masturbate, and the scene is a deep and in depth representation of my life. 

The we see a similar shot of Adam, and he masturbates, and has a great, straight time, and our bodies are plasticine, and the film is astounding! 

But the contrast is about a rivalry between us, me and Adam, and the rivalry is exemplified by Lee's film, and there are all types of details, common to dreams, that are awesome but you cannot for the life of you remember what they are. 

But the positive side of this movie that Lee is creating is that Adam and I are, in the end, besties - best friends - and it turns out that - in the film - from the film's success, Adam's and my band have been signed. The feeling is immense! Finally! 

And Lee has animated to a recent live show of mine, and he gets everything right, and it's awesome. 

The scenery is plasticine and Lego stop-motion animation, and buildings shift and change and are beautiful. 

Meanwhile, David is here, and Adam has a girlfriend, but I have forgotten David's name. I finally work it out, and also, I need to get jacked for the film, and I do get jacked. 

And I remember David's name, finally, and I hug him, and he is hot for me, and we become an item. 

But I woke up. 

And my whole was fake. 

And you were fake. 

And the Israel-Gaza war was fake. 

And I had to kill myself. 

So I came online, and I bought a Nintendo online pass. And I played a little Nintendo. 

And now I'm writing here. 

And now I've got to get on with my life. 

Therein lies the tale. 

Daniel 

What is it with this feeling of needing a cigarette? 

Like the whole world is gonna end if you don't have a fag. 

There is every reason in the world to quit smoking. And I try... I try. Every day I try. And every day, I employ a new technique which I think, "This is it!! This is the thought that'll make me stop!!" 

For example I may think something simple, like, "Imagine the money I could save if I stopped!" and it's an inspiring thought because I could effectively save three grand a year. That's a very nice guitar I'm smoking each year. 

The thought might be that in the end I could supplant rollies for chewing gum, lozenges or vaping. Then I eat one lozenge or vape for half a day, and the thought dies. 

Many times I wake up with every intention to stop, and on those days I might try my hardest not to smoke before showering and eating. And many times on those days, the act of smoking fills me with disgust and nausea. But then the next day comes and smoking is like nothing; like meh?! 

My belief is that my smoking may cease one day if I could realise that that feeling of needing a cigarette, the craving, well it's not the cause of my next cigarette. My next cigarette is not to blame for my needing a cigarette. But the last cigarette was. 

When I wake in the morning after eight or ten hours having not smoked, I lie there and wish I didn't have to get out of bed because I'll just have a cigarette. And during sleep I'm fine - obviously - I don't need to smoke. But something happens to your lungs when you haven't smoked for that length of time. The fibres inside your lungs, which had been "matted down" by the cigarettes you smoked before, well, they are now loosened and they tickle your chest, and you cough and cough. And for some reason when you smoke that first cigarette, you stop coughing. 

There is every good reason to stop smoking and every bad reason not to. 

There's something about the feeling of needing a cigarette that only a cigarette can solve. 

I've decided enough is enough. I'm going to make an appointment with the doctor, and ask for their help. Perhaps there'll be a group, perhaps they'll give out free nicotine gum? I'll do it this week. 

That's all I have to say about that. 

Daniel
x

I was wondering when these nights would come around again. Many nights I often have certain special and illuminating dreams in which the message is clear - be they set at a festival in which my capacities as a messiah are made clear through my interactions with other punters, or set on some one of the seven moons that surround heaven, wherein the importance of the bible is exaggerated. 

Yes, it seems I am religious. 

But the dream I just had has given me food for thought. 

In dream, a friend of mine owed me a grand and a half. By the time it came to pay me back, my friend went into his home, collected a batch of A4 sheets of paper - upon which was printed, not money, but the details which one could input into your computer, so that the money would turn up in your account. 

He gave me a handful of these sheets, and I recognised their value. Some of his batch flew away in the wind, and I, knowing their worth, went to pick them up. 

"So, you just input the details into your computer and the money turns up?" I queried my friend. 

When I looked into my account, although expecting there to be millions, I found my grand and a half was indeed repaid. 

My sister drove us all, in my friend's Mercedes, away from gangsters as fast as possible, one time become stuck at an overpass, and soon being released by a passer-by, Dom Joly, who walked a route that unlocked out pathway. 

Now at home, in my apartment, my sister, my friend and I present, I suggest to my friend that we go on Reddit and print off more of these sheets. My friend is initially sceptical, but sees the benefit. And meanwhile, my friend being ostensibly a millionaire, he communicates with other rich friends, who seem to have figured out that there is "nobody behind the screen". A couple of gratuitous coincidences prove this thought. 

And that is the thought that wakes me up, and I begin to search online for ways to make money. 

I daresay, if I were any more disingenuous, I would buy into this "empty life" idea. But the first thing I see when I go online is my sister posting on Facebook about her seven year old son. Perhaps there is something in it, but it will only manifest itself in my life in a financial way. 

Well! 

I've just not too long hence submitted the exam script that would have been my final one for my Q77 degree. So that in itself is an accomplishment. But since I have switched from that degree to the M06 Master of physics, I will no longer be able to claim that qualification. Still, it feels good; I now have three or four months of summertime fun to be had, and I begin with a night out tonight, at a house rave in King's Cross. 

How did I do in the exams? Well, I took two of them, and I must admit, the Relativistic Universe proved to be the simpler. Actually, perhaps the truth is that they were both equally as difficult. But the fluid mechanics exam seemed to knock me for six, and I daresay I attained less marks for that than for S383. We shall see, and yes, I am keen to find out. 

It is six twenty in the morning, of the 9th of June 2023. I uploaded my script by four thirty am, having sat the exam at 12 midnight - that's how I've always done these open-book exams, it's how I feel most comfortable. I have tried to sleep, but my mind is awake, and I am awake, and I have plans to visit the town to sit and perhaps write in my journal for an hour, before I come home to catch a couple of z's, before I go out tonight. 

What am I going to do this summer? There are things I have planned. For one, I would like to complete editing my book, and then go ahead and upload the manuscript to some relevant publishers, namely mental health publishers, and I really hope that somebody picks the book up. Unfortunately, the excursion with the script that was based on my book never came to fruition, in any decent way, other than that I made three and half grand for my deal, which was good. 

I am going to play some cards. I'm going to read some card books, in whatever form, and learn some new tricks, and skills, and show them to people. 

I'm going to play some computer games. I'll get my Nintendo Switch back from my folk's house, where it was so that the boys could use it. Also, I'll play some Super Mario World on my Super Nintendo Mini. I may buy some new games for the Switch. 

I'll take John's dog Leila for longer walks, so that I can get more exercise, so that I won't have to go to the gym. Although I would like to go to the gym, I think that can be supplanted by using the local swimming pool, which I'd like to make a regular visitation, and also, I have weights and exercise equipment at home. The only thing I'd miss at the gym is the heavy boxing bag. If I do go back to the gym, I'll have to quit in four months, because of the courses I'll be taking in October. Also, I'll need to watch my diet. 

Also, I want to make a huge effort to quit smoking, this summer. The bloody things have gone up now to thirty pounds for a low-quality pouch of fifty grams. There's no way I can afford a hundred pounds a week smoking. Not only that, but my health would improve. I've quit before, and I liked it. I know I can do it again. 

Should I try to learn coding this summer? I've learnt a little, but there's nothing stopping me from having another go at making a website. I'll have a go, I think. 

What else; what else? 

Ah yes! I need to make some more music. I'd like to finish my bands next album, for which we already have five songs recorded. We need another seven or eight. Four of these can be done in one hit, once we've practiced them and/or written them, etc, and we record them. Then I have to get some more songs down, and that's the album done. Hopefully, it will be available by the end of the year. I'd love to play some more shows this summer, but that depends on whether the others are down for it. I hope so, and I hope some venue can book us. 

Also, last thing. I'd like to do some more writing. Having written one book, I have another on the way, and I need to type up what I have, and see what I can do about writing some more. Hopefully, good things will come from it. 

So, that's about it. I'm in summertime for me now, and I'm glad I've finished my "degree", but I'm also happy that I can still continue my studies. One more year of level two and three modules, and I can move onto level four. Happy times. 

Best wishes
Daniel

Exams are coming up. 

And not too soon, I can tell you. 

I have five days to organise myself for the S383 The Relativistic Universe exam, which I will open at twelve midnight on Tuesday night. There are things for which I am prepared, things for which I am not prepared, and things for which I will never be prepared even if I studied for another year. 

I hope to pass; I am desperate to pass. But I will never get a distinction - I'm not clever enough. And people say, "You're only as clever as you think you are!" But I don't think that's true. I know I have my limitations. I wish I were special at these things, but I'm not. There are people who are special; but I'm just not one of them. So I hope to pass, and I hope that we are given the questions which I can happily answer, such as those about tensors, and those about Schwarzschild metric, and those with simple plug and play equations. If I were keen (which I guess I am, but need motivation and inspiration to come from somewhere right now), then I'd sit down and work through the following: 

• Special relativity - I'd work through several past paper question ones. 
• Connection coefficients - I'd work out how many some metric or other contains - I'd work out why they equal zero in flat spacetime metrics. 
• Riemann curvature tensor - I'd work out the derivation - I'd work out the manipulation. 
• Einstein field equations - I'd work out some manipulations of these. 
• Accretions discs - I'd brush up on knowledge about these.
• Gamma ray bursts - I'd brush up on knowledge about these. 

I suppose that's only six things to work on. When it comes to actually doing the past paper exams, I know that this is what most students are doing: They are working through questions and honing their knowledge. I have not done as much. But nevertheless I feel almost ready. I feel that my mind will change, and my motivation will kick in the second I click onto the iCME81 link. I do feel ready, in a way, but I must take heed of these things I have written above, and spend Sunday, Monday and Tuesday thinking about these things. 

But this evening (Thursday 1 June), and Friday and Saturday, I must do my utmost to get on with writing down some equations for the MST326 exam which takes place in exactly one week. I must work through: 

• Statics - by doing some past paper questions, or understanding their answers. 
• The Chain rule - there's a section of a question, a step that I know I'll have difficulty with. 
• Navier-Stokes equations. 
• Div, grad and Curl. 
• Some water waves. 
• some other things. 
• Mainly the chain rule...!!
• Separation of variables and Fourier series. 
• Fourier series actually!

Those are the main things to work on. Actually, as long as I have down the chain rule step that's been bothering me, I think I'll be alright. 

I have a revision session tomorrow in town, with two students from the module. We're meant to meet at Foyles in Charing Cross. But I'm not sure I'll make it. I woke up at eight o'clock this morning, had a cup of coffee, some breakfast and a cigarette, then fell back asleep until four o'clock in the afternoon. If I don't sleep tonight, there's no way I can wake up to go there tomorrow, now is there? But I do want to go. I want to ask them about these steps. 

So that's it then! This evening, and Friday, and Saturday, I will work through some past papers, writing down some answers, getting a feel for the questions, then Sunday to Tuesday I'll work through some Relativity, and that's that. 

There! What's to worry about!? 

Daniel
x

Sabine Hossenfelder is against the idea of the multiverse. Michio Kaku is for it. 

At the risk of writing another "schizo-post", I wish to emulate some thoughts about this idea - the multiverse. But first, I need to define what I mean by "Universe". 

One interpretation of "universe" is the naively realistic view that it is merely the arena of spacetime which we all share. That means including us, the Earth, the Sun and Solar System, the Milky Way galaxy, and all the stars, galaxies, black holes and spacetime beyond, from the beginning of time till now. 

But another viewpoint of "universe" is merely the one that it is redolent of everything that exists within our own experience. So, my universe is my body and mind, my thoughts and consciousness, and everything else that exists within it. In a way, my dreams are my universe, too. 

So on this latter view the idea that there is a multiverse boils down to the notion that other people, other entities, other beings have their own consciousness. 

Nietzsche was the first to purport the idea of eternal recurrence. This is the concept that, say you were happy to live your life as you were, with all the same thoughts and in the same time-zone of existence, you'd be happy to relive your life over and over again in the same body, the same person, with the same thoughts and consciousness each time. You would not have free will - that would be an illusion - but you would be happy. 

This Nietzschean view of being is one view of the universe that neglects multiple universes, in many ways. There is here, in a sense, no hope of ever ascertaining the existence of others, for example, your brother or sister, or mother and father, or friends, or acquaintances, or strangers and so on. We will only ever be the one person. This is one view in which there is only one universe, and we can not find evidence of other "universes". 

The multiverse, therefore, on this view, is not a matter of finding hidden realities where we may have done things differently - that view is surely false. Things are much more immediate than that: the other realities are the consciousnesses of other beings. 

And we have indirect evidence for these realities. That is, we have their physical bodies as primary signs that there is life beyond our own. 

But the view I am purporting is only solipsism. 

So do you believe that Michio Kaku is correct, or Sabine Hossenfelder? The view by Kaku would lead, eventually to a sort of Quantum Leap situation, in which science could find ways of entering the bodies of other people in time and space, and usurping their consciousness. Sabine says there is no multiverse, and I'm inclined to agree, on this view. But the multiverse in this respect boils down to the sense in which we are a different person from moment to moment. But in the sense that we are the same person from moment to moment, the multiverse is false. 

However, to say that there is only one universe is to say that the Nietzschean view of eternal recurrence is correct. 

Personally, my view depends on my feelings at the time. Sometimes I may be fully Nietzschean, others I may be a little more forgiving and think sympathetically toward the existence of others - the universe of others. 

I think that is all I would like to say about the subject. 

Many thanks

Daniel 

I've tried to sleep and failed. I'm tired, but I've got something on my mind. It could be the following. 

Earlier on I visited my parents' house. My mum made me a chicken roast dinner, and it was lovely, and then my dad showed up. And he said, "Let's go to the shed..." 

So we're at the shed, and I'm telling dad about my plans. I told him I've cut off the plan to do a Master of physics, and that I'd like to go back into construction, perhaps to get a ticket in plastering, so that I can earn a few extra quid on top of my benefits, so that I can buy a car and perhaps a dog. 

And then dad starts going on about "Plastering is hard," and "Dog's are difficult". Anyway, long story short, I realised that everything I tell that man, he returns to me in a negative manner. Eventually, in frustration, I said, "OKAY THEN I WON'T GET A DOG!!" - and then he realises his manner and kind of retracts himself. 

I started getting a bit haughty, saying, "Everything I say to you two, you say 'No, don't do that!'. I say I want to get a dog, you say, 'No, don't do that!'. I say I want to get a job, you say, 'No, don't do that!' I say I want to go to the gym, you say, 'No, don't do that!'" 

Then dad said, "I never said don't go to the gym."

"Earlier on," I told him, "I told mum that I don't necessarily overeat, but that if I got some exercise, I'd lose more weight. She said, 'No, doing exercise won't help you lose weight.' I mean, come on!! Of course it fucking will." 

Dad saw my point there, I think, but then went on to talk about some other thing in a negative light. "DAD!" I told him. "You're doing it again!" And he was, and told him he was always being negative. He was going on about getting a job, so I went, "OKAY THEN I WON'T GET A JOB!" but he didn't see my point. 

"Dad," I levelled. "What do you want me to do? What can I do that will gain your approval?? Because I feel like you won't be happy with me unless I'm digging a fucking hole." 

He didn't have any suggestions. 

Anyway, long story short, I managed to contain myself, and topics turned to other things, like dad's drama with the family in New Zealand, his diatribe during which he mentioned that his sister had told him that he has no experience with mental illness. Dad had said he thinks he knows one or two things about mental illness, since his son has suffered with it for twenty years. In any case, he sort of blamed my outburst on my mental illness. 

I think that sucks, and if I wasn't sure I'd blow up again, I'd have said so. I'd have told him, Dad, just because I've got a mental illness, doesn't mean my anger isn't legitimate. Sometimes I'm angry with you because I'm pissed off that you've said something or done something I don't like. I didn't say it though. And besides (I'd like to have said), you're angry with something like seventy percent of the time - does that mean you're mentally ill? 

Anyway, that bothered me. That was earlier. It just annoys me because the man can't see himself as having done anything wrong. He's blameless. 

Anyway. 

I can't sleep. I've just tried for the last hour and a half, and though I nearly dropped off, I've been thinking about stuff. There's these women I've been talking to online - one of them on Twitter, another on Facebook - and I don't understand them. They're relatively attractive women, and they, like... they play games with me. I think they're bots, and it doesn't make sense. It makes me think I'm homosexual. Then I look at my life and I think, I don't know if I could have anyone in my bed whatsoever. 

I'm very confused at the moment. 

There's this bloke, Scott. He was my best mate growing up - I've known him since he was born. But I've not seen him for fifteen years, and I tried to contact him, and he blanked me. I don't get it. I'm confused. 

There's this woman, Tamsin. I've had a fling with her. She's like this little troll girl pixie woman, who has something about her, but she's this religious Catholic, and she won't sleep with me, although I've tried to convince her. Anyway her legs are shut tight. Once, I said to her, "You are dead from the waist down," and she said, all haughty like, "I can assure you, I am not." I was like, yeah? Where's the proof. Anyway, she's convinced I'm homosexual, and it's humiliating. In fact, Tamsin herself is a most likely candidate for homosexuality, but she hasn't had the same insights as I have. If she isn't gay, then I don't know what her fucking game is. She'll never find a man like me, or any man at all for that matter - yet she rejected me. I don't get it. I kind of hate her. 

The thing is, am I gay or not? I'm forty four years old; I should know. But the other thing is that I'm schizophrenic. Now, I'm not blaming everything on my mental illness, and rightly not, but the whole thing is a mystery to me, and in all honesty, makes me believe I'm the Christ. 

Here's where things take a turn, but I'll go with it. 

Earlier on there was meant to be a tutorial for S383, and the room was not available to me. But it turned out that the tutorial did go ahead, but I myself was cut out of it. As an ill person, I take offense at this. I think this fucking university thinks I'm trolling it! I think, in all honesty, they cut me out of that tutorial deliberately - personally, as a personal thing. I think I may talk too much in chat on those tutorials and they needed a break from me. That's what I think. 

And I think that I'm not gay or straight. I think I'm special. I think I'm Jesus. 

Be honest, reader, you're reading this, yes, you're fascinated - but you don't like me. Do you? No, you don't. And that's not for want of me trying to be likeable. You know I'm trying to be likeable, but you despise me. That's why you'll have got all the way down to the bottom of this post, and you won't engage with me, you won't comment, nothing. You'll just fuck off on your merry way like every other human on the planet. 

Fine. Be like that. 

I had a dream last night. I dreamed that I was in a van in London with my dad, and we parked up at a market, and went to have a look around, and there was a record stall, and all the records were fake. 

Dear life, are you fake? You're fake, aren't you? I think you're fake. 

I'll have to be careful. God is real after all. God is real, and I know this because He is not a human, and therefore not a beast. Humans are beasts. 

I'm done. 

Daniel 
x

I just want to relate last night's dream. 

The main part began, and it was a movie starring Adam Sandler and Heather Graham. 

Adam Sandler had been a worker for some company, such as a boxing company in a warehouse, and he worked alongside some other group of characters, typical as you'd find in the type of warehouses you see in movies. 

And Adam Sandler had managed to impress and consequently pull Heather Graham, the latter whom had been in a meet position in which she hadn't been before, and the same for Adam, the latter whom had been in a position the circumstance which he was not really meant to be, and yet magically or circumstantially found himself, and pulled Heather. 

But despite the magic that was put on Adam, that during the date he was not able to utter the words "today" at any point, it turned out that Adam's circumstantial pairing with Heather had been somewhat unfair on another character, a worker in the warehouse, who was really supposed to be in the place in which Adam was, when Adam pulled Heather - thus, the worker should have pulled Heather. This worker was a lumbering goon type man, perhaps like the neighbour from Seinfeld, whatever he is called. And all the other workers knew of this unfair situation, and were gunning for the goon's fair treatment. 

Nevertheless, a strange thing happened. There being yet another worker, perhaps a son of the boss or other, this worker got jealous of Adam, and intervened in a peculiar way, that is, he left Heather some presents, that were intended to seem as though they'd come from Adam, and were basically cheap gifts such as a sausage roll and sandwiches, wrapped in cheap tissue. Whether Heather was impressed or not by the receipt of these gifts is another thing - in fact she wasn't, yet she gave Adam the benefit of the doubt. This part of the dream came to nothing. 

The warehouse turned out to be a candy factory, and the dream was themed around making and eating these sweets. And at one point Adam had to save a worker from falling into a sewer. 

Consequently, the dream was uneventful. 

But there it is, and there you have it! 

Peace

Daniel

x

I must say, the Christmas and New Year's break certainly seemed to take a lot out of my study process - I've seemed to totally lose momentum! 

I have two TMAs due in next month - one on 22nd Feb, another 23rd Feb, which means I now have two weeks per TMA to sort this out. 

Did I get anything done at all during the break? Well, yes I did. I managed to read and reread Observational Cosmology, although I haven't performed a single exercise in it. And people on the S383 forums seem to be absorbed in doing these exercises. I daresay I won't do a single one. And I'll be fine, I promise! I have my methods. 

But in terms of actually doing the S383 TMA, I must say, I'm far behind. 

Having said that, our TMA02 is due on the 19th of this month, and I submitted that one over two weeks ago. Whether it's any good is another thing. 

I think, were I to only have had the one TMA, I'd be up-to-speed with MST326 TMA03. And actually, I think I am. I've just seen a tutorial that deals with Unit 6 of the course, and that's quite good timing. And furthermore, I think I'm quite good with the questions for which we have to answer that Unit. 

There shouldn't be a problem. Perhaps I'm over-worrying. I think I'll be okay. 

But something else I've been needing to express, is my concern about the situation with my degree. Here's the thing: If I want to do a Master of Physics (M06), I have to effectively do a further two or three extra years of study. That is, I'll have to redo Level 3, under the auspices of the requirements of the M06. 

Certain things are telling me, that I haven't got it in me. One year of OU time is two years of personal time, and I won't get my degree (Q77) until I finish next year. 

There's so much work to do. 

I've told myself I'll give myself a month to make a decision whether or not to pursue the Master's route. I'm tending to the decision that I finish my degree this year. After all, even if I don't do the masters, there'll be other degrees I can take. And what, after all, do I actually plan to do with the masters? I couldn't be a teacher. 

On the other hand, at times, I feel things are going fairly well, and perhaps I'm simply "going through the motions". What would I do if I didn't have study? I think I'd stagnate! 

It's just those two or three years of extra study that seem counterproductive. In any normal universe, I could go straight onto a Master's after having finished this degree! 

I suppose those extra years would add to the list of credentials. 

But what am supposed to do with those credentials? Could I teach? Could I do research? In any case, they'll look good on the wall. 

Hmmm! 

Well... 

What is the fuck it! decision? What decision would I make if I had to say "Fuck it, I'll do it?" 

Well, I think that's the Master's route. 

Fuck it! I'll do the masters route. In any case, I'll give myself a month to think about it. 

There, that's the blog. 

Peace
Daniel

Morning all, 

I feel I have to write. It's 6:15am and I just woke up on the cusp of what might have been a nightmare. 

I was on a building site, digging a cheese baguette out from the sandy foundations of a building, for a new girl, Polly, to go an buy. The cheese baguette was rotten, but we discovered an underground cavern into which I dug further. I got so far, feeling that digging with a trowel into this soft sand was quite satisfying, then found I had dug out a small cove, and I tried to get inside it. 

Then I woke up with fears that the whole sandy foundations might collapse onto me. 

What would you do in this situation? What if you dug a cove, got into it, and the sand collapsed around you, and nobody saw you? You'd have to sit in the cove and try to dig yourself out. 

If somebody saw you, they'd have to get the boys to dig you out. 

I'm terrified! Honestly! 

Just woke up (half an hour ago) at five thirty am, from a night's dreaming of various showers, and then, slowly drifting into conscious life, I opened my eyes and looked into the morning darkness and saw a type of lensing effect within the shapes upon the objects in my room. 

I wondered if, for all our studies into the deep universe, i.e. into space, using astronomy and cosmology, whether the laws of physics - as we know them - could be translated into a space that little bit more close to home. 

That is, could our investigations into deep space and time be scaled down to account for the more immediate experience of human consciousness? 

For example, perhaps the lensing effect familiar in the phenomenon of black holes, or other lensing bodies, may be scaled down to account for the immediate vicinity of conscious experience. I imagine this would require an investigation into optical physics. But what, in this scheme, would be lensed, and what would do the lensing? 

Light can bend in a gravitational field, and this happens at large distances. But perhaps light also bends according to a quantum scheme, along vanishingly small distances. Perhaps the idea of consciousness has something to do with this. 

Then I came to realise, that in so many ways, whereas the Schwarzschild metric is a solution to Einstein's field equations, and said metric contains however many singularities, that there must be in effect a solution to Einstein's field equations or a solution within the metric that solves for what might be known as a singularity of consciousness. We have a singularity at and a singularity at but is there another singularity that takes into account the observer themselves? 

When we deal with physics of potential, in terms of the Earth, including gravity, we take the zero of gravity to be either at or in order that we take into account the concept of a "test-particle". 

So it follows that, within all our equations in physics, that we have neglected to include a term that takes into account the observer himself. 

That is the long and short of my conjecture, and I shall deign to investigate further. 

Daniel

Dayne is my little sister's partner and father to her children, my nephews, Rio and Rocco. 

Dayne's grandma died yesterday. She was ninety. Apparently, however, the cause of her death was the fact that she had had an adverse reaction to both the covid-19 and flu injections. 

Sometimes certain things go in to reinforcing the beliefs we have about certain things. Dayne, for example, did not take the coronavirus vaccine, for his political views. This particular instance must've reinforced Dayne's conviction about the vaccine (and, consequently, the government), and in this case there's nothing that anyone can do to make him think otherwise. 

But death is a funny thing. 

Before my own grandma died she was unwell a lot of the time. She'd go in hospital, you'd hear, and be out and reasonably better, then she'd be back in hospital, you'd hear, and recover and be out again. 

My Nana Lucy was a Samoan. She was loved by many, many people. If she had died out of the blue, it would have been devastating to everybody - devastating in a way that would almost be unnatural, and poor granny must've been exhausted. She hung on, I believe, for everybody's sake, suffering, and doing so to avoid making everybody feel sorry for her, or whatever, whatever it is, whatever it was, that people were feeling. I maintain, had she died "out of the blue", things wouldn't have been quite right. 

Then, suddenly and crushingly, my twenty one year old New Zealand cousin Robert died from some type of glandular fever or other. I hadn't seen the young man since he was two or three, but it was a devastating shock to us all, and us family in the UK were greatly saddened and sorrowful. Although, between my own father and his sister, Robert's mother, there had been tensions over money since grandad Peter had passed away from cancer over fifteen years ago, everybody could feel the pain of this loss, everybody was hugely concerned, everybody was devastated. 

Then, less than a week later, Nana Lucy died. 

Everybody was very upset, including my father, my uncle, their sisters, our cousins... everybody. But in a way, the blow had been softened. And it had been softened by the passing of Robert. 

Death is a funny thing. It is my firm belief that Robert himself died - nay, was put on this planet to die - to soften the blow when Nana Lucy died. Robert made that sacrifice for her. Had he not, it might have seemed that Nana Lucy had died almost for nothing. 

Cousin Robert died, then Nana Lucy was able to die. 

But again, this is a private thought, and not one I've made popular to my folks or family. It's just something I think. 

When Chris Cornell died, he committed suicide. But, that day, he might've been in the company of someone else, that might've prevented him from doing so. Yeah, he died of asphyxiation, and it was suicide, but he so easily might've lived and fought on for many more years. He might have lived to ninety. 

Last week, I was going to do it. I was going to commit suicide. I didn't, but if it wasn't my brother's daughter Sia's birthday, things might've been different. I held back because I didn't want Sia to have a birthday on which her uncle killed himself. That would've been selfish. So I fought through, that reason being the only thing which kept me alive. Then I got better, and I live to fight another day. 

My point is, God takes us when God wants us home. Nothing more; nothing less. There is no surprise with death. You'll find, in one way or another, that there is a reason behind dying. Even if I had committed suicide, it would just have been the way that I died. There would've been no anomaly, no strange thing, nothing out of the ordinary. That's just the way it would have been. 

I'm happy to live on. There's a lot to live for. Perhaps I'll live to ninety? Perhaps I'll be killed in an accident? My point is, God is in control. 

Dayne's grandma might've lived for another few years, but it wasn't meant to be. And not to be too disingenuous, but this was her destiny. God is in control. There is nothing out of the ordinary. Everybody leaves a legacy. Perhaps Dayne's grandma died to fulfil Dayne's personal outlook on life. That's what it seems to have done, in a way. But God took her this time, and thankfully she was ninety, and had had a good innings, and left a legacy which made sure she could burn till the end. 

I'm sorry, Dayne. My condolences to all your family. 

Daniel. 

How can I put this? 

I'm not very well. 

Perhaps I just need a good nights sleep. I have just the answer to that - sleeping pills. I have one or two left over from treatment years ago. That's what I'll do tonight; I'll take a sleeping pill, and conk myself out. 

To put you in the picture, and for want of some other way of putting it, I'm suicidal. I can't lie. There it is, written out for all to see, and perhaps in the mode of a cry for help. 

I meditated earlier, and for forty minutes. I've realised that my suicidal thoughts are like a cloud, that hovers above my head, and won't go away. 

Then, when I was done meditating, I read some of the MST326 Block 1 book, Unit 2, and I had a glimpse of joy. I transcended all my worries and fears, that I can't understand this text for my life, and realised that I can actually understand it, but that it's going to take a little more effort. 

What does this effort entail? Well, an hour's mathematics, working on a single equation, just for the purposes of coming to grips with a method, could be just the ticket. If it's good enough for Joanne Holford, and other tutors in tutorials, it's good enough for me. Well, I guess for some reason, I feel like this effort is not within my grasp. Then the day turns to this night hour, and I feel... energised... energised to get my head down and work. 

I'm alone. And I have once said, I'm alone but I'm not lonely; I have God for conversation. But I don't have God for conversation; God is quiet - too quiet. I have once said that I believe it is God who wants me to commit suicide. But it's not God, it's the fact that I'm alone. 

But I know a lot of people. I could list them, but I won't, and they'd all be devastated to know I was dead. In some ways, perhaps I need to feel that love. 

My nephews and niece are young children. They're young enough to be able to grow up and not to miss me. Tamsin says I should live for them, if no one else, because they'd want me around. 

Ninety-nine percent of the time, I'm on my own, and I guess it's taking it's toll. They say go on an app. But I think you need a bit of confidence to do that, and you have to expect sex, and you have to have money, and be relatively healthy. 

I don't think I will kill myself. I just don't have it in me to hurt all those people. And I don't feel sad, just frustrated. Writing helps. 

Also, I have schizophrenia. Schizophrenics commit suicide. 

It's an internal pain. 

It's a discomfort. 

It's a sorrow that scratches its fingers down your back, and does it all night and day for weeks on end. 

I haven't played guitar in a while. Perhaps I should. 

Do I want to kill myself? No I don't. I don't know what's after. 

Although, I've heard heaven is five minutes away. 

Should I turn to drugs? That is a thought I am seriously entertaining. I reckon a nice spliff would calm my nerves and make me feel relaxed and happy. It's a thought I'm seriously entertaining. 

In any case, there's no need to quit the fags right now. In fact, they are my best friend. Having said that, it might be conducive to my plight and prerogative to resurrect. 

I could become Christlike. 

I don't actually have a lot to say.  When you're thinking about suicide, it's a depressive thought, a cloud that hangs over your head. 

Perhaps it's the new term? I remember when I fucked it up at university the first time; I tried to commit suicide within the first two months. It was very stressful. 

I don't mean to make people worry. Not that anybody cares. Just another dead schizophrenic. But rather me than someone else. Someone else might beat me to it. 

You know how I'd do it? I have these plastic cable ties. I'd tie one round my neck. I wouldn't cut my wrists; it's too unreliable. Besides, I have special tattoos, that I can't interfere with. 

Dear Lord! Dear Christ! Save me from these thoughts! I love you. 

anyway, that's it. 

Daniel xx