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Saint Lucia

A day in Mill Hill

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Blogging, and blogging.

Hi how are you? I'm frustrated. Perhaps it's the heat, perhaps it's something deeper and real. But whatever it is I shouldn't feel the need to be cathartic about it, because I just ranted about it to my girlfriend (fuck it, I'm calling her my girlfriend) for about twenty minutes over the phone.  

When covid-19 hit... in fact I'll go further back... before covid-19 hit, I have to say, I did not enjoy living in society. I'm sure I'm not the only one who felt it, but there was a belligerence, a tension and an antagonism evident everywhere you went - even in the town I live. I have several examples of times when I had to suffer the brunt of someone's internal insecurity, whether that would be coming from the attitudes of the right in terms of Brexit, in which their fear of a changing society would culminate in aggression, or whether it would come from their, admittedly ignored, psychological issues about their own sexuality. I have to admit, I'm happy in my sexuality. I have had problems, and perhaps these would be tedious to explain, but when I see others - closeted, undisclosed in their internal outlook about sex - I am bored by it. Bored because this problem they are having is none of my business; it is their issue; I have dealt with mine. Deal with it by yourself. So if I happen to walk by and you see that I am a happy person, living in the outside world, that has nothing to do with you. I'm not saying I don't want you to have dealt with your problems - because I do! I want you to know who you are, and not be deluded into lies that you have been led to believe by whatever algorithms you find yourself in submission to. If you think you are "sussed" in life, that you have everything in life "sorted", and then I walk into your view, and you can clearly see that there are things you have not dealt with, that is not my problem. I'm not going to lie to you. I'm not going to look at you and say, "There goes a bright man, with all his issues in hand," when all I see is a child who is too afraid to face up to himself, and say the things to himself he needs to say. If you're not there, you're not there. 

Perhaps I am a little arrogant in this matter. Perhaps I don't have everything under control. Perhaps that is true. The thing is that I like the truth, and I know things that other people don't naturally know, because I have worked to know them. I know, they think their intelligent. And maybe on some human level they are. But I don't know who they are, so how can I explain to them that they haven't worked as hard as me to know the things I know. These are very basic people. It doesn't apply to everyone. But those people to whom it does apply, I'm sorry but you're going to have to read a hell of a lot of books to catch up with me, because you're of a certain age, and I'm not going to bow down to you to recognise you for the things you have thought or learned or thought you learned, when really there is a whole other universe of knowledge that you have not yet realised even the existence of. I'm sorry. You don't get to look this smart by watching Game of Thrones, or drinking every night, and fucking your girlfriend every night. You'll have good things, don't worry. You'll have a wife, and you'll have your job, and you'll have your children. It's just that, personally, I am not interested in that life. I am not interested in you. So don't take your aggression out on me and try to communicate that I owe you something or that I should in some way look up to you. Because I find you very sad. I'm sorry. 

So, when covid-19 hit, in a way, I was glad. Society changed, and people like the sort of which I describe were no longer able to assert their masculinity in the way they had before, because by law we weren't allowed within two metres of each other. Society was sparse, there was respect, and people gave each other space. There were few people on the streets. And I was glad because I could finally go outside and never have to worry about these aggressive apes getting in my face about things. By law you couldn't do it. It must have been very frustrating to them. 

Yet it seems that my happiness in this matter has been very short lived, because four months later it is as if we have learned nothing. You can't go outside without this evident antagonism from all sides. It's as if you're being challenged by people for walking down the road. I'm trying not to say it, but it is too tempting, and I know that deep down, somewhere in the pit of your heart, you have realised you are homosexual. I'm not saying that you'll have to come out and go down to Soho and have anal sex with the first man you meet. But on some level, you have thought about it, and you are guilty of thinking about it, and we know. I'm sorry. Just don't take it out on me. I've dealt with it. I'm happy in my sexuality. 

I know. You now think you have to fight everyone about it. You now have made it everyone else's problem. But it's your problem, and that's life, and you have to deal with it. 

Look at you. You're sixteen years old. You think you're some kind of gangster. My friend's, we live in Mill Hill in north London. There is no gangland here. There's an elderly community here, just up the road. Do you think you will get away with looking at people in the way you're looking at them, and not get your arse kicked? Wake up. We are humans. We don't care what hole you want to put your little willy inside. Deal with it on your own, like the rest of us had to. Don't take it out on me. Don't spoil society like it owes you something. 

Anyway, in short, I think the social bliss that was apparent for four months here in Mill Hill was very short lived indeed. Perhaps it's the heat, perhaps it's a seasonal sensation. But for a while we were there. Maybe we'll get a few more months of relative peace out of the situation, but rest assured it is coming back and within ten years we can expect to live in gangland Mill Hill, and covid will hit again and we'll have to go through the whole thing once again. What a shame. 

Rant over. 

Dan

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Saint Lucia

COVID-19:- Developments: personal and social

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Welcome ye, 

Hello there, how are you? How am I? How, indeed, are things going for you right now? Bloody fantastic, I must interject, and there it is and there you have it. Well, and perhaps not so good. Perhaps my mind has deteriorated, from the inundation of surplus hours and hours of studying and working - mainly, in the physics regime. Yes, for I have gone quite, quite insane. And by that I do not mean to say that you yourself have gone insane, but that I myself have gone quite, quite doolally. 

I just spent an hour working on a topic of physics, namely (and what was the topic), the blackbooty spectrum. And it was over an hour, in truth, approximating to approximately two hours, or two and a half hours, and I took down the particulars. And henceforth, when it all culminated in a conclusion, I was dismayed, certainly, to find that the problem was indeed a classically moot concept, which was not in use for the solutions to the problem. And now I find that the problem is indeed a "heads up" in the mode of the quantum solutions, yet imagine my dismay, to have all my good work... thrown down the pan!!! 

I guess I don't mind. I actually performed one of the equations. But I wonder, how can the open university expect us to be able to keep up with this immense workload? Well, I imagine, that that is because I was two weeks behind, for the reasons of the coronavirus. 

Remember the coronavirus? Do you recall that era? That was a strange time indeed, forsooth. We all had to stay in the house and try to keep abreast of things. That reminds me, I must check upon the daily round up of news. But before I do so, I would like to mention that I am not so fascinated by the questions of conspiracies in light of the current situation. 

Now it says here, that the United Kingdom has the greatest number of deaths in Europe. We are second only to the United States. This is certainly a good reason to stay the course inside. So I must be wrong about my considerations of the COVID-19 disease being, in its capacity, a psychological phenomenon. I simply cannot understand how we have had so many deaths? We all locked down, didn't we? We all stayed in quarantine. But the good news is that the NHS is handling the situation. 

The news certainly is a bitch. I feel a little stunned, and now a great deal more worried. Have we reached a peak yet? Why are the elderly dying? They are vulnerable, but where did they pick up the virus? It's a state I'm in that equates to confusion. Why are people in care homes picking up the virus? Is it something to do with the NHS? I am actually in shock. Nearly 30,000 deaths!! I wish I was able to help. I wish I was able to say something comforting. 

And there I was, thinking about suicide. 

What would happen if I were to test positive for Coronavirus??

They are saying we could have done things differently. We're in week seven of lockdown, and they think we could have done things differently. 29,427 people have died, as of the fifth of May. I would like to know if that's exactly related to coronavirus, or there are other factors. Yes, the elderly and vulnerable are dying. Why can't we protect them? 

I haven't been watching much television. In fact, my only source of media has been the open university website, and I think that's as good as any. We do not have to be so morosely attached to the mainstream media, however, perhaps I should be a little more in tune with the feelings of common social discourse, maybe. 

The lockdown is working, they say. So that's good news. 

I should personally be extra careful, because I am a smoker, and a fairly heavy one at that. And they say, that you are four times more likely to catch the disease in that band. 

I still get the sense of a psychological cause... Am I a fool? I should not spread misinformation. Media is just fine, in the sense that we as humans are in fact central to natural existence. In a strange way, the media can help keep you sane - at least, further from real insanity. I don't want to say what I'm thinking. 

But now, I must interject, that it is of utmost importance to treat the coronavirus as a true and real threat, and not to mess around and joke about with claims of conspiracy, to treat the coronavirus for what it is - a virus that is killing people all over the world. 

And there it is again: That thought of psychology... It cannot be put into words. I would like to redeem myself by asking about the science of COVID-19. 

I must say, I feel at odds with my situation, that is, of being on benefits for illness. Yet I am trying my best to keep on with work, and perhaps this is the best I can do. I am doing the best I can to do my bit, which is merely by quarantining and locking down. For the worries are social, economic, scientific, political. 

I'm listening to a science podcast on the topic of the psychology of conspiracies. The points being made are, that conspiracies are a way to help people understand their anxieties, and the world; that social media is spreading misinformation; that people who lack critical thinking abilities are more likely to believe in conspiracies. I conclude that the virus is a real physical threat (if it ever needed to be affirmed). Narcissists are more likely to believe in conspiracy theories. When you are in an environment that increases your uncertainty this makes you more susceptible to conspiracies. When you believe in one conspiracy theory, you are more likely to believe in others, for example, if you believe the virus is man-made, then you are more likely to believe in the 5G conspiracy theories. Confirmation bias. Proportionality bias: the coronavirus event is a massive event. Many people are out of their minds with fear. Me? I'm just out of my mind. 

I have problems. I'm glad I'm studying science, for the narcissistic reasons (obviously), and others. But why am I so skeptical about the governmental and scientific evidence about the coronavirus? I must remember that I am in fact a paranoid schizophrenic, which means that I have had experiences, and none more so than in the last few weeks. I have problems, and have had experiences, but I have good reasons to believe the things that go on in my head. I also have good reasons to ignore those things and connect into the mainstream media. It's a strange world outside, I can assure you, and I'm not sure I like it. I miss people, real contact. But now, I am coming to think that the scientific and social view of myself is a far cry, in fact, from the philosophical and spiritual person I was once trying to attain to in life. Some people have called me a plethora of things, from genius, to queer, to dickhead, to paranoid schizophrenic. I feel the medicinal view is the most debilitating, for it is the hardest to accept. Yet, in fact, that is who I am. I am not the Christ, I am not a God, I am not an angel. I am a paranoid schizophrenic. That is how the doctors see things, that is how my mother sees things. That is how I should see myself - even in light of my esoteric views on the topic of what we take to be authority. Because I have been studying science for a very long time, and I wish to pursue science, and gain credence in this subject. I have to relent and even acquiesce to the whims of medicinal, or medical authority. And I had such hopes for the psychological legacy! 

I am not there yet. Perhaps the diligence must be strenuous, and perhaps the work will not be fun. But the fun is over. I want to see this pandemic through and make it over to the other side. You know, I couldn't explain those conspiracies nevertheless! So that is it. 

Now I think of it, I have been lacking a modicum of faith recently. Faith is like a rule of life - it will always rear its head in your moments of despair, and you can fall back on it. But science is truth, and reality. It is really the best way to accept your life. I want to retire from my fears about the way society identifies me. I want to accept myself. I'm a paranoid schizophrenic. 

Best wishes

Daniel. 

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Saint Lucia

Coronavirus and everything...

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Edited by Daniel Best, Thursday, 30 Apr 2020, 00:15

Welcome in, welcome in... 

And I felt a little sad one night, perhaps the last night, perhaps the night before - I do not know; the days seem to meld into twos, and one thing I think happened yesterday might be pointed out to me that it happened the day before... days meld in twos. That's why I blog, I think. I seem to have a bad memory for all the disconnected events that occur. And I felt a little sad one night because it suddenly occurred to my mind that my sister had missed me, ever since I committed suicide in the early 2000s, or ever since I was medicated with antipsychotics. "Corina misses her big brother," went the voice in my head, and I was all, -Oh, here we go, and I could anything but keep that voice from making me feel a little sad. 

"Corina," I called out. "It's okay, I'm still here." 

It's these little intuitions that get to me, that seem to appear out of nowhere, but remain stuck in my mind until something like action or some other thing causes closure. I can never behave in the way I think I should, when these concepts come into my mind. That's why I have been as violent in the past. That's why I do silly things. It's not my fault - if I had my way, I would see them off with a shrug and be happy in whatever shit I wallow. I feel like I follow a sort of unconscious impression, that is my true self, yet is that which I cannot really have access to - like my thoughts. I feel I don't really have true access to my thoughts, and I thank the antipsychotics - they truly empty your head. Although, nature can play a thorough part in accessing them: I wonder if my life is a completely natural phenomenon, and sometimes it feels very, very strange in the ways I operate in the course of my day. The good thing, is that working on my course can save me, and though I may be behind in life, its whole structure is an aid. I am a perfectly natural man. Every natural resonance which engages me can make things feel like I'm not really in existence. I explain. 

When, yesterday, I was doing administration at my desk, I could see how ugly I am. In fact, nature is nothing but symmetry, and it is ever more obvious and clear. At once I wish to solve its very essence, and also have little to do with it. Nature sometimes feels so obviously symmetrical that it may even be machinery. This is how I am beginning to see it. Perhaps my own life, from a "subjective" point of view, perhaps it is nothing more than an application. Perhaps this way I see life would be better enhanced by an end to the lockdown quarantine, and more and more human contact. They say we need to limit human contact, or we'll increase the chances of a virus. Life certainly feels electrical to me at this time, and I'm part enjoying it, part wondering how to escape it. 

Not a great deal happened today at all. I worked on my course, then at seven o'clock I walked over to the shop for things. There I asked Nathan if he believed in God. On a walk yesterday, I was only saved by the beauty of the trees; everything else was cold and man-made. And it can feel like hell when you see the unhappy individuals walking the roads in masks, and I feel a little sorry for them, and a little sad. Once I was at home I concluded that there is no God. It made me feel better, and I was able to look out on the streets at the few individuals and at my pleasure confirm their humanity, for they do not believe in God either, as must be the case, as it is, as it should be. And talking to Nathan, I was struck with the notion, that people are the purveyors of holy entities, and belief is all it takes. Perhaps the shop owner can see God, in the same way I began to see God in him, as he expressed his beliefs. And it occurred to me that people are the purveyors of their own holy machinations, for I was impressed with a little sense of divinity as he expressed his beliefs, and with such vociferous passion, and was overall impressed - yet my nose dribbled a little (I had to keep wiping at it with my sleeve). 

I really do not know what to think sometimes. The media insist that coronavirus is a real virus and infectious, that it can be passed by contact. I do not wish to be obvious in my speculations, but I feel there is more to it than this. For when I left Nathan's shop, I began to cough in a new and strange way, that felt like a respiratory effect, and I wondered if the virus had entered my lungs. I think what I am trying to say is that, for me, there is difficulty in believing that we can catch the disease from the outside world. Perhaps that is the psychotic tendencies of my mind. But you know, when there is a cold going round, everybody gets it. Everybody gets it. What kind of a virus is this? It seems to choose the people who you don't know. It's never you! I cannot vocalise what the issue must be, but in any case, it will not do to scare people. But there is a nature to this virus, that is beyond science - cold science, that is. I know of the existence of a mental state which tells you you may have the illness, and it is psychological. I think my coughing was had something to do with my conversation in the convenience shop. I think you can catch coronavirus by psychological means. Why do they lump me in with conspiracy theorists? That's because what I say is obvious, and not to be said. I should shut my mouth, and say "Stay safe!" The underhanded reasons for the disease ending in death is a matter of our very thinking. I feel it, and sometimes I feel that were I not in the environment of person that is a fighter, I'd have been a goner a long time ago. Yet, perhaps coronavirus is everything and all we only think it to be? Perhaps we're all correct in what we think it is. Perhaps fear may have a little to do with it. For at bottom, whenever I feel afraid of COVID-19, I feel succumbed to its grasp. Fear is coronavirus. Perhaps that is what I should think. 

But that doesn't mean we ought to laugh like fannies at the threat. We need to learn to be reverential and respectful to our feelings and thoughts, and those of others. We need to learn to be sensitive in consideration and tenderness to the virus. We need to learn to aggrandise in humanity and human compassion, and learn that we are afraid of something we need not be afraid of. For that is when the pandemic will pass. All that is left to learn is the way in which fearful people have gone in for the deal, and failed to find away out, and maybe therein lies the secret. 

And now I think about it, I wonder at those people in masks, who look and seem full of fear, and also wear their masks with a modicum of antagonism and arrogance. When they hold their hand to their mouths as they pass me, I think how rude. Something inside me says, I don't think you're getting it. It feels like racism, or some other prejudice. Of course, I understand the recommendations, and respect them, but don't make into something personal. These western countries are overcome with social issues, and I look at New Zealand. It is said they have the best race relations in the world, and you know, they have had just about three deaths from COVID-19 overall. Amazing. What's their secret? 

I don't know what to think, exactly, but perhaps we have to take this time to learn, not just to live with one another, but engage with the respect we acquiesce in by force (of nature or man, no matter), and just stop being afraid of each other. 

Dan

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Saint Lucia

The state of progress

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Edited by Daniel Best, Tuesday, 14 Apr 2020, 02:36

Hello all blog men and women,

I begin my entry by putting down the great feeling I have associated with the practice of learning physics. It is one of happiness, and contentment. 

How glad I am to be finally off the marijuana! It makes study so much easier. 

In addition, it is nice to have chosen to pursue this endeavour of study, and I'm sure you will agree, what an endeavour. 

That other old love of mine, music. I'm sure I will come back to you, one fine day. I'm not very good at music anyway. Well... 

This quantum mechanics is mind-blowing. And how practical, and how complacent one can become. How expedient to use the time in lockdown to do something as nice as study, thus. 

The practice of physics, I have yet to consolidate. But by Lord, I'm anticipating the practice to achieve fruition. 

I am feeling mildly confident, however, as to passing this level 2 module, and wish to continue to higher and higher levels, and I put this down in writing with a view to crystallise my whims. This has worked up until now. 

And in other news, the quantum state of my mental health is now reaching a level of boringness that is so dire that I must be cured of it. Yes, sanity is of necessity the most mundane of all positions; to come to learn to love it could be the greatest struggle of all. So we must pass this knowledge on to sufferers of addictions. For at least in normality you can get something done, and I just recently have approached the idea. 

And what is normality for me appears to be a world apart from that of many individuals, in the current age. We should have this down by July, and we will help each of our peers through it. There is more to this quarantine than meets the eye. I must say, tonight we move forward to attack tomorrow, without qualms. I know, it is starting to get boring - all this waiting until the curve is flattened. All we need is a little patience. And perhaps a little altruism, and perhaps a routine. But that is all. We are all a little tired, and we all need a hug. 

As I am able to claim, I have a fine girlfriend now, with a beautiful mind. Yet, it is not possible to hold her. For such a pleasure, one must absolutely be patient. The goal is to forward our notions with a modicum of diligence, and diligence with satisfaction, and it can be done. We must all do this, every single day, and we hope nature will support this goal. In short, we must use this eon to place our house in order. That is the simplest it gets. We will have the assistance of government, but we must assist them to assist us, and without waiting for the gift. We understand the plight, and pray the economy can handle it. Don't be astounded by society's unbelievable grit, especially to a Brit! (but also, all across the plane of the Earth.) And hope is not the only emotion. Everything is going to be alright. 

And so it goes, everything must be got out the way. I have just given myself a half pill of sleeping drugs, which didn't work, and the very blog we currently read was not finished and no matter the pill taken, you must go until satisfaction, and do so like you are on some other drug; it is only right. I do not understand why much of our planning does not go well on the initial run, lads. Okay, I knew the time was to be a whole hour of, and of full complication in the new and good thoughts we learned, somehow, during the course of the day. Why you didn't merely continue like you knew you had planned, I fail to know the existence of a reason. And you know, it makes me so tired, that it is one of the reasons I knacker my life and life's energy. There's the boy. 

What an interesting change of affairs; forgive me my verbosity. For the lessons of the day, have made it so clear in the eye, that there is more to be said, and all changes, and we start to get used to it all, and we try to believe, and it all comes to nothing. There is more, and what a failing day. That started too well, and ended badly as it could, and within the final three seconds. And for an hour's sleep, well how would that be the a thing? I do not know. It makes no sense. I want it to be a thing; I wish it. 

What story I would like to tell is borne out in the events of the day: in short, I awoke, I worked and spoke to my best friend, and I spoke to my girlfriend, and spoke to a receptionist in the NHS surgery at Mill Hill. And she advised me, and provided knowledge, that I have a prescription to collect - of perfect sleeping tablets which have failed me tonight. And it had royally annoyed me. HE really does laugh at our plans. I mean He pisses himself. And all we can do, and all you can do, and all I can do is follow the course, and try to feel the plan that He has. 

It is religious. The whole thing. I need be like you wish me to be surreptitious, for feel my annoyance. It is anger at myself, and I am only ever angry at myself. I fail too much. I had a thread there, and now I cannot feel such a thread, and this will always amount to ushering in the sorrows of youth, whatever those may be, you slaves. COVID-19 is driving us all insane. Some think it's a conspiracy; some think it is God. Others think it is natural psychology, and I have been wondering at the consequences and ways and means of the psychological methods of infection avoidance. I really have, you know. I always say it. It is natural psychology. That is, COVID-19 can be solved through psychosomatic means. Those are all original theories. Allow me to explain. 

Even the common cold is psychosomatic ( I do not know the exact science). Such a conjecture needs to be understood. Psychosomatic phenomena relates to what the nature of the world dictates, and such a point is made. The nature of the world is made of at least a dichotomy: The man made and the structure of what is allowed in the physical universe, which are both (let me assure you, but do not take my word for it) in connection to reality, and this is the pain of punishment. You must be true to yourself, your nature, and the natural world around you. You must try remain in cohabitation with all these effects, and knowing that morality is the connection, is not such a terrible point of view. for morality can tell how phenomena shall pan out, for it is in the world, and in you. I do not know the exact reasons why. But my hunch is that when an action made by a human is made in the name of being good (not necessarily a relativity of morality), you will instantly see that there is a good that comes from it. This is the point. It is simple: be a good person, and refrain from depravity, and refrain from destitution, and refrain from desperation. (Although I have failed in timely fashion at this latter instruction). Keep government as a vessel of human sanctity, borne of what is thought right, within these confines, and constructs. Use the restrictions and recommendations to your advantage; see them as pointers to help us all achieve a cleaner society. For all my own libidinous desecration, life is a learning curve. Perhaps that is why tonight I have failed. And I will fail, and I will continue to fail, and it will be to my own disadvantage. It will hurt. 

I will not achieve what I originally set out to achieve, here in the thread. You know what I mean about this. IT could have gone so well, and I had doubts. I very much certainly doubted myself. And here is my plea, and here is my prayer. Dear Lord. Please forgive me my failings, and know that I will always try to do your will, no matter the scene of connections to my failings, that I cannot understand your ways. I am not a God, I am a human. I have had a routine for three weeks now, and one night you asked me to change such a routine, and I failed to accept the request, and I am sorry, and please forgive me; I take not the living piss. 

We go again, for the hour is nearly up, and I have done the best I can to solve this crisis, as some coronavirus doctors and professors have so diligently done. I know, Lord, that I could have done better in my day - I pursue the next with great anticipation, and forgive me for shagging your leg whenever I see you at my table; you are wise and great, and I would do anything for you. I was confused by your anger, and now my capability to complete the original task is clear. I have said, and it is said, that you laugh at our plans. But tonight I may have possibly laughed at yours. Yet it is a strange and difficult task to be sensitive to your feelings. I thought what I gave was enough, and I am human, and I fail. The thread was lost, but it is still unsalvageable. I hope you will forgive me! Forgive me Lord, and let me not fall into mirth and hilarity, for I have killed a thousand thousand, and I was sorry, and I never knew pain. All those lost, and the science behind the regeneration of their souls.... I am sure everything will be alright in the end. And I know my place; I know my thoughts (some of them fully). And I know that I will cry to be sensitive to the most important things - they are difficult to navigate, all amongst the notions of personal disbelief in your ways. I struggle to come to terms with the extremes of my responsibilities in this life, I am sorry I took your love. I will perform my utmost to understand my position in this critical time of pandemic and pestilence. And I am sorry that I threw burning hot water upon all the thousands of creatures that fell from the garden pot which I lifted. I did it from curiosity, and from that they seemed so ugly. I hear their screams, of these insects, every day, and it crushes, and I know it made your anger over boil. I am sorry Lord. Please forgive me. Hear my screams, as I scream in the night, throughout the night, every night. 

I will not cry tonight, but I know of my failings, and I know your jealous, and merciful ways. I have faith in you, my Lord, please take me back into our arms, tonight. I love you. 

Daniel

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