Personal Blogs

How can I put this? 

I'm not very well. 

Perhaps I just need a good nights sleep. I have just the answer to that - sleeping pills. I have one or two left over from treatment years ago. That's what I'll do tonight; I'll take a sleeping pill, and conk myself out. 

To put you in the picture, and for want of some other way of putting it, I'm suicidal. I can't lie. There it is, written out for all to see, and perhaps in the mode of a cry for help. 

I meditated earlier, and for forty minutes. I've realised that my suicidal thoughts are like a cloud, that hovers above my head, and won't go away. 

Then, when I was done meditating, I read some of the MST326 Block 1 book, Unit 2, and I had a glimpse of joy. I transcended all my worries and fears, that I can't understand this text for my life, and realised that I can actually understand it, but that it's going to take a little more effort. 

What does this effort entail? Well, an hour's mathematics, working on a single equation, just for the purposes of coming to grips with a method, could be just the ticket. If it's good enough for Joanne Holford, and other tutors in tutorials, it's good enough for me. Well, I guess for some reason, I feel like this effort is not within my grasp. Then the day turns to this night hour, and I feel... energised... energised to get my head down and work. 

I'm alone. And I have once said, I'm alone but I'm not lonely; I have God for conversation. But I don't have God for conversation; God is quiet - too quiet. I have once said that I believe it is God who wants me to commit suicide. But it's not God, it's the fact that I'm alone. 

But I know a lot of people. I could list them, but I won't, and they'd all be devastated to know I was dead. In some ways, perhaps I need to feel that love. 

My nephews and niece are young children. They're young enough to be able to grow up and not to miss me. Tamsin says I should live for them, if no one else, because they'd want me around. 

Ninety-nine percent of the time, I'm on my own, and I guess it's taking it's toll. They say go on an app. But I think you need a bit of confidence to do that, and you have to expect sex, and you have to have money, and be relatively healthy. 

I don't think I will kill myself. I just don't have it in me to hurt all those people. And I don't feel sad, just frustrated. Writing helps. 

Also, I have schizophrenia. Schizophrenics commit suicide. 

It's an internal pain. 

It's a discomfort. 

It's a sorrow that scratches its fingers down your back, and does it all night and day for weeks on end. 

I haven't played guitar in a while. Perhaps I should. 

Do I want to kill myself? No I don't. I don't know what's after. 

Although, I've heard heaven is five minutes away. 

Should I turn to drugs? That is a thought I am seriously entertaining. I reckon a nice spliff would calm my nerves and make me feel relaxed and happy. It's a thought I'm seriously entertaining. 

In any case, there's no need to quit the fags right now. In fact, they are my best friend. Having said that, it might be conducive to my plight and prerogative to resurrect. 

I could become Christlike. 

I don't actually have a lot to say.  When you're thinking about suicide, it's a depressive thought, a cloud that hangs over your head. 

Perhaps it's the new term? I remember when I fucked it up at university the first time; I tried to commit suicide within the first two months. It was very stressful. 

I don't mean to make people worry. Not that anybody cares. Just another dead schizophrenic. But rather me than someone else. Someone else might beat me to it. 

You know how I'd do it? I have these plastic cable ties. I'd tie one round my neck. I wouldn't cut my wrists; it's too unreliable. Besides, I have special tattoos, that I can't interfere with. 

Dear Lord! Dear Christ! Save me from these thoughts! I love you. 

anyway, that's it. 

Daniel xx

I would like to open this blog post with perhaps a disclaimer, that whereas I myself was once very much largely into philosophy, and loved it greatly, today and these days I cannot say the same. 

But this is not to say that I do not have philosophical thoughts. But I can now say I much prefer physics and mathematics, because these are palatable and tangible endeavours, and as such have graspable answers. With philosophy, I very much have felt that I have not had anything so tangible as an answer. Having said that, and although I have come far from such a disposition, I also once had a very secure worldview about my religious outlook, and was able to explain my views about God and so on, and so forth. 

Now, this blog post has begun for the purpose that I can explain something that has occurred to me, from considerations about consciousness, and objective thoughts, and the inner mental existence of others. That's plainly the subject matter, nothing more, nothing less. But be warned, at present, although I feel I am close to being in a state of worldview similar in strength to that of my prior religious convictions, these thoughts here are being had out loud! 

So, we begin, largely in the vein of Descartes with his 'Meditations', wherein he sought to deny everything he knew and began from a rational "island" on which he built up his philosophy, by stating some basic facts about the mind and consciousness, and about the form of objects around us. 

It is known, and seems largely true, that one of the properties of mind is that it's contents are private. The ideas that we have exist inside our minds, and they are unknown to all others. Also, the mind is inside something. This notion seems to have been outlined at least in part by Hegel, and perhaps it was known to Kant, and certainly was purported around the enlightenment period. Nevertheless, that the contents of mind are personal and private can be gleaned by empirical investigation. Yet, this only applies to subjective ideas. 

It is a mainstay of some philosophy, that in the empirical world of experience, i.e. the physical world, that objects are ideas. That is, the things around us, the ornaments, the tools, the matter, the substances, these are all inherently ideas. Objects are ideas. QED. 

Now, talking as a singular automaton, namely, a person and being in his own right, the above is plainly true - and I certainly believe it. When I have thoughts, and do not express them, I can be certain that nobody else can know of their content. In addition, when I look about my empirical universe, I can be certain that I am surrounded by ideas. These all pertain to my own consciousness, that is, my awareness of my universe.  

But in saying the above, what I have previously not been certain of, speaking as a singular automaton, is the inner mental experience of others. Hitherto, this problem has been conceived naively, by myself at least. That is, I myself have mostly taken it on trust that other people have a defined consciousness, albeit one that I find extremely difficult to imagine for myself. I find, by way of an example, that when I observe others, and I try to place myself in their own position, that is, exchanging my consciousness for theirs, my thinking breaks down. I have failed to see for myself what it is that others glean from being them! 

And in light of this personal failing, I have sought a worldview that makes sense to me. And I think I have a way of putting it so that it can make sense to others, too. 

To recap, I assume that consciousness is private and personal, and I assume that objects are ideas, and I assume there is no way of ascertaining the inner mental experience of others. 

So, subjective ideas are personal. When I think of a dog, there is no way for others to know what dog I am thinking of unless I act on the thought, by explaining it. 

But this breaks down once we consider that objects are ideas. Plainly, this is a concept that must be taught. Our intuition of "objects" is that they have a 'real existence' outside of ourselves. But these objects are ideas! How, then, can I share these ideas with other people? 

How, indeed, can I share these ideas with other people, and hence not consider myself a mind reader, or some such other mage? 

But we do share these ideas. When I show an article (some ornament or other) to a friend, we are sharing an idea. How is this possible? 

But then we realise: We do not have access to the contents of others' minds. Well, isn't that convenient? 

Nevertheless, the object does have reality. 

So, whereas I cannot be sure that others' have an internal mental experience, I can be sure that this property of mind can act as a cover for the fact that, in one or other sense, I know to an extent what is in their mind. I now come to understand that the property of mind that its contents are private, forever hidden, must go some way to explaining the fact that we can have the same idea at the same time, namely, the object in question (the ornament, the environment, the world... our hands and bodies!). 

Perhaps in some way this is a claim that somehow others can project their consciousness onto objects. But how can it be any other way? For somewhere along the line the existence of objective matter gives us more or less direct insight into the contents of others' minds. 

I am saying that whereas others' minds are historically unknowable, the existence of objective material in waking life gives us insight into the reality and existence of others' minds. 

As a caveat, I would also add, that the same cannot be said for dreaming life. When we dream we are exposed to ideas and thoughts entirely distinct from objective experience. In fact, this property is what characterises dreams in themselves! In fact, that is how we fall asleep into dreaming in the first place:- we disconnect from external life, and we drift into subjectivity, and a subjectivity that is completely shielded from waking life. It must be true! That is the difference between dreaming life and waking life. We dream, then when we wake up we know we are in reality, because we are surrounded by all the ideas that have been cultivated by our peers, our friends, our families, our counterparts, our ancestors and all those people we will never know, living or dead. The world into which we wake up is built of the objective ideas that these people have created. This is proof of the inner existence of others' minds! 

Whether all this pertains to the existence of God or not, I cannot say. But what we can ascertain from experience, the existence of God notwithstanding, is that all academic pursuit is, in one way or other, the pursuit of the endeavours of man, i.e. humans. We are the ones that have built civilisation. We are the ones that have designed the infrastructure. We are the ones who create facts - and facts can be created. 

But saying that, I admit, there is nature, and there are physical laws. There is space and time and matter and radiation and gravity. There are planets and moons and suns and stars and black holes and light. Nature, therefore, must be indistinguishable from God. And furthermore, we work in unison with God, creating and designing by his wont. 

But is humanity distinguished from God? We can say it is, by dint of our creative measures. And God would be happy about that, because we can revel in his glory. 

That is all I have to say about the matter. 

Daniel. 

Now, this year's little summer rest has proved such a good break. And I found that leaving the modules behind for the year left me so much appreciating of the time off, that I thought I'd quite like to leave study altogether after the degree is done. And I found myself entertaining thoughts of working through a plasterers course, so I could get my construction tickets, and go back to work. The situation has largely crossed my mind and I've half made plans to actually put this into action. I mean, I may well do! 

Every time I've entertained such a plan it's been because of the dire situation I find myself in regarding my results. It's true, I've enjoyed the course, enjoyed learning about the nature of the universe and nature itself. But I've never achieved amazing results. In the end I'll have worked so hard - and I do work hard here - and I'll only get myself a third-class degree out of it. Will it have been worth it? 

The other day, however, I was recipient to an enticing suggestion via the form of an email, that was from the university, that mind you was only a generated email - something sent by proxy now that I'm reaching the final year of my degree - but nevertheless, it led me to a thoughtful state of mind, and made me wonder about the future. It was from the mathematics department, and suggested that I perhaps try to enter on the mathematics masters. 

Last year I spent a great deal of time going through my options regarding the new physics masters at the OU. The discussions I had with the student services had failed to come to anything certain. But the gist of it was, that should I wish to switch to M06, then I would have to work through another year of extra courses. You know, I don't mind that. And I plan to pursue further communications with student services, when I pick up the course again next term. 

But a mathematics master? The thought is very intriguing. Their requirements are that I get a 2:1 for the degree that I'm on (or a 2:2 for a maths heavy degree - something I'm not doing), or failing that, that I take a test. Well, we'll see how it goes, I imagine. 

Now, there's under two weeks for this resit I'm doing. I feel very prepared - almost as if, were I to have to sit the thing tomorrow, that I'd be prepared. It feels as if the longer it takes, the more I will forget! But I'm not prepared - not fully. I need to brush up on Fourier Transforms. I need to make sure I can answer the first several questions. I need to make sure I understand the diffusion equation, separation of variables and the boundary conditions. I feel like I'm up to scratch with the Lagrangian questions, and I feel confident I can make up the extra two points that I missed out on last time because I was so lazy, complacent and the fact that I rushed through it. 

I'm half-confident. But I'm still nervous. 

So, in a nutshell: Perhaps I'll pursue study after next year, perhaps I'll become a builder. The resit is coming, and I must make sure I pass. 

Thanks all!!
Daniel

Hello all, 

It will soon be exam time for me. I'm really nervous and a little stress and anxious, so I thought I'd smash out a little blog to calm the nerves, boring as it is! 

I'm not 100% ready, I'll be honest. Some subjects I hardly touched. But then others I feel very confident with. I'll get no distinction, but I'll aim for high marks and hope to pass fingers crossed! 

It feels good to write at the moment. It's currently 22:15, and the exam opens at midnight. I'm all prepared, I've had a shower, I've rolled some smokes, I've got my energy drinks ready. It just remains for me to run through a couple of equations, and make some toast at eleven thirty, and I'm good to go! 

I am good to go! 

Some people will get distinctions. I'm sooo jealous! 

I hope we get good questions. 

I don't think I've ever been this nervous for an exam. I wonder if this feeling is preparing me for my other exam on Friday morning? 

I would like to write some more, but the truth is I've nothing left to say. 

Wish me luck! And good luck to you all! 

Daniel 

xx

I'll be honest with you, I'm kind of scared about the upcoming exams. 

I suppose I'm not alone, and I suppose that such a fear is natural to have. The fear is, exactly, that I have no idea if I'm going to pass or not. I really want to pass. And in fact I really want high marks. For the MS327 exams, so far, doing the practice exams, I haven't been fully successful. The problem is that, in OU exams, you're almost always surprised with a question that you don't know how to answer. The thing is that, with these problems, if I ever get to see the solution, I can easily follow it. My fear is that I won't be able to find a solution. 

What I'll have to do, in the main, is fudge my way through those surprising questions, employing the use of as many valid techniques as I can, even if I don't get the right answer. I think that's the difference between mere passing grades and distinctions. Those who get distinctions will always produce the correct answers. People who pass have often used the right techniques, or shown some insight into the solutions. 

Last night, as I was reading and studying through the books, I stumbled on a thought. It was a very refreshing and illuminating idea that - just as I had realised near the end of my very first year of higher education many years ago, that there is a difference between the uneducated person and the educated one - this level three study over the past year has led me to develop an even higher notion of educational level; that is, I felt like I could visualise the level of a Master of my subject. It was a surprising thought that led me to have a very nice night of dreaming. 

Of course, that idea has all but disappeared today. But the day draws on, and I am coming to my night-time period of study, and in thinking of ways to maximise my academic success, or at least my success in exams, I have asked myself, for example, for what do I want to learn Fourier Transforms? 

I searched Fourier transforms on Wikipedia earlier on, and the depth and complexity of the subject is just astounding. I should even have another look, to crystallise the ideas. But most of it was specialist doctorate level content, which I couldn't understand, to be honest. That's why I consider myself lucky that the OU provide such comprehensive material - that is, the material is consolidated and "basic", in the sense of an introduction. Everything you need to know to get started on a topic is there, and, even if you find the material abstruse or intractable, I find it at least satisfactorily terse, and one can peruse a paragraph several times and still not have got to the essence of the meaning. 

I suppose, that one reason why I would like to learn Fourier transforms, is to put them into practical use with science and so on - they have use, apparently, in quantum mechanics. But also, we use them in signal processing, and I imagine that would be the premise of an engineer, and I have no grounding in that. I hear they help transposing digital signals into analogue signals and vice versa. This might be useful in computer coding, if ever I was able to find talent in that area and music development. I admit, it might be a bit late in the day for me to pursue this avenue of academic research. Nevertheless, that is one practical reason to want to get good at Fourier transforms.  

All this mathematics, in fact, is very, very useful for the science that I want to pursue. Also, in future, I may like to think about electromagnetism as a course of study; I hear it can help you achieve a place on a masters of physics at the OU. Electromagnetism as well as quantum mechanics have uses for Fourier transforms. 

In any case, the techniques are worth knowing. My only bugbear is that I am not good enough at doing them!! I certainly could be, if I put my mind to it over the next two or three days. 

In fact, my plan of action is, over the next week and a day, is the following. 

1. Work on MS327 past and specimen exam papers until Tuesday or Wednesday (ideally Tuesday), focussing on Fourier series and transforms, the diffusion equation and random walks. There is some content I could do with understanding better there. 
2. On Wednesday I restart my revision of SM358 The Quantum World. I will do some more past exam paper questions, and glance over the relevant books once again. I need to revise spin, angular momentum, entanglement, ladder operators, and I will review the topics I know well, but concentrate on those I'm less good at. 
3. From Wednesday to Monday, I will interpose SM358 revision with little bits of MS327 revision, just to keep it fresh, although my first exam is on the Monday night at 12 midnight (or 00:01 Tuesday morning). I will take the exam at this time, for it is peaceful, away from distractions, quiet, and also my mind will be lucid, having studied up and refreshed my knowledge earlier in the evening. I need not be too concerned about being awake at that time. I have been adjusting my sleeping pattern to accommodate this concern. 
4. Monday night, 12:01 am (Tuesday morning, 00:01), I will take my SM358 exam. I will finish it in good time, having downloaded the appropriate programs needed for combining my scans into a single PDF file, and all will go off without a hitch. Hopefully. 
5. Tuesday, 6:00 am, I will eat breakfast, and get some sleep, and continue on revision in the evening for MS327, and I will do this until the same time on Wednesday 8th June, and do the same for Thursday. However... 
6. Thursday 9th June is the day prior to my MS327 exam. It will be made available at midnight (or 00:01 on the morning of Friday 10th June). I hope that the three days of revision leading up to it will be enough to ensure I pass. 

Obviously, I am going for the highest marks I possibly can. But when all is said and done, I will be happy pass. 

I have thought that, sufficient revision providing, the exams will have been designed so that a passing grade will be relatively straightforward to achieve. But to achieve a distinction, well, that would take something a bit more special. I hope I have that special thing. But I can only do my best. 

In any case, good luck to all who are taking exams this next month. May you all get the questions you wanted. May you all get the results you wanted. May you all at least pass your exams, and get onto the next stage of your lives, be that further study, a job, or satisfaction that you have another qualification. 

Best wishes, 
Daniel. 

Hi, how are you? 

I'm blogging to crystallise some concerns I have with the situation about my upcoming exams, which are SM358 The Quantum World (on Tuesday 7 June) and MS327 Deterministic and Stochastic Dynamics (on Friday 10 June). 

Well, what can be said about this? First of all, I think it apt to say that the SM358 exam will be a touch more difficult than MS327. I say this because it seems evident that the questions we will be posed will be more apt to contain the unfamiliar, whereas with MS327 the situation will be more of a case of using the formulas we've learned. 

I have three weeks till the first exam. So my revision, having already begun in some form or other, must continue and continue with a more severe approach to intensity. For SM358 I must sit and complete several past papers, and complete the iCMA medleys, and also have a look at some of the additional exercises. 

My outstanding topics of which I need to study better are all those of book 3. I need to look at entanglement, perturbation theory, angular momentum, many-electron atoms, diatomic molecules, good quantum numbers, and the Linear Combination of Atomic Orbitals method, to name a few. I shall write a list of outstanding topics, and tick them off when I am confident. 

I feel like I can't have a repeat of last year. Although then I did do a lot of revision, I was unable to dig deep enough to get some of the more abstruse topics clear. And now, I have twelve hours a day for at least one week to do something about it. 

This blog should serve as a motivational enterprise. 

There are topics in which I feel I have a good grounding: Normalisation, operators, Schrodinger's equation, the sandwich integral rule, some Dirac notation, some Ehrenfest's theorem, some angular momentum, and some spin. But I should revise these topics nevertheless, and revise them well, by completing past papers. 

My MS327 exam should require at least one week of attempting to complete past papers. There is not a great deal with which I am concerned in this module, but I do need not to be complacent. That week is the week beginning 22nd May. Perhaps I will blog for more motivation closer to the time. But I would definitely be better off just doing the calculations. 

As with last year, my main source of revision should be that which is called "active" - that is, calculations, calculations, calculations! 

There are books I wish to review, however, they should be done in what would otherwise be my spare time, i.e. before bed, and so on. 

There is not much else to say about the matter. Calculation is key. Active study is the way! 

Wish me luck! (and good luck to all others doing exams!). 

Daniel xx

Hello, how ya doing? 

I wanted to perhaps talk about some of the things which have been happening in my mind and brain of late. Some of these things are dreams, some of these things are hopes, some of these things are aspirations. All of them have happened in my brain of late. 

I can remember some parts of a dream which played out for me last night. It was about Neil the sparks, and he was a conspiracy theorist. The dream formulated around an alleyway where my father and I were working which, now I think of it, somehow reminds me of The Matrix, that is, the array of binary digits that fill the computer screen. I was helping father with concreting and carpentry, and some electrics, and we switched to a scene that turned out to be Neil's apartment, and Neil the sparks was a conspiracy theorist. 

I can remember being on Neil's bunkbed, and what a coincidence, the whole gang was there too. 

But Neil was a conspiracy theorist, and somehow or other I myself was attempting to convince him of the true conspiracy, that is, the real answer to conspiracy theories, like the New World Order, and so on. 

Now, the New World Order is not a conspiracy theory - not anymore. It's legacy is that it is something that government seemed to want to bring about many years ago, and they say that 9/11 was the fulcrum that did it. "Nine eleven was done to bring about the New World Order," they say, and perhaps that's true, but what's so bad about the New World Order that people think is so terrible? Perhaps it's something to do with freedom, i.e., that our liberty is at stake; that we ourselves are destined to become unthinking and unconscious beings. I'm sure that there are a thousand reasons, but this is our reality. We as automatons seem to wish to be libertarians, and at base level we wish to be closer to nature, and conscious, and free. We wish to live in an utopian society, but there seems to be a conflict. Some people believe there to be a top-down evil; an evil from a higher level. Some people believe this to be the evil of billionaires or politicians and government officials, and they believe we are being kept down, kept from knowing the "truth", and kept from financial, social and moral success. 

I'll be honest with you, I don't think this "top-down evil" exists. But perhaps it does, and perhaps it goes to a deeper spiritual abstraction than would be accessible by anyone not deep into religion or morality, or study, or education. But who am I to talk about education? Although I have studied in various disciplines through my life, I merely have a layman's credentials when it comes to life experiences. Besides the point, maybe, and perhaps I shouldn't allude to the goodness of God, the divinity of Jesus, the morality of Heaven, because perhaps I'm at risk of being disingenuous. It surely makes no difference whether a human is religious or not, for a human may be religious an still not entirely moral, or a human may be moral and yet not religious. I cannot claim to have any special insight into morality, but I do believe in a higher power, and yet I still have faults. At the top, I believe, and top-down is God, or at least goodness, and this is true if you believe in God or not. I believe this because I know myself, and I know at heart I am not a bad person, that any "evil" that exists within me is only sickness, and that I am the same as everybody else. I could even be vulgar about it. But this morning I had breakfast, and at lunch I had a sandwich, and at dinner I had toast. I'm sure high-ranking government people also had to eat through the day: there is no human with superpowers, and those who could be in possession would be good people. Otherwise they'd be sick. 

No, the New World Order is just a political artefact, that happens to ring suspect to the ears of the suspicious. It's happened, in the sense in which a new political and social and financial order has been brought about, many times in the past. And if it has done so, it was from the order of a genuine higher power. But I have no evidence for this, and this is where I fail. But it's not to the detriment of anything! If humans wish to control a population, we must be aware that death is nothing, and in the long run we're not really in control. Population control is just a construct, like freedom or love, set up to convince us to be inspired. God is the only one who has a plan. 

I told my friend Neil the sparks that he had to call out to God. When you do this in dream you can see how much of our intuition about greater power is an illusion. But sometimes the illusion is that powerful that it is undeniable, both evolutionarily and physically. 

I don't know what to say other than that. Perhaps I could type for a further hour or so, but I don't think it would be massively interesting. I'm feeling a little hungry in any case. But perhaps that's thirst. 

I shall seek water now. 

Blessings x

Hi.

I just need to blog right now; that is, I felt the need to blog so that I could perhaps get out some of the things that are bothering me. These things are only minor complaints, and whether they have anything to do with my mental illness is another thing. But nevertheless, I'm so frustrated I could cry. 

They happen on a daily basis, these things... these minor upsets, by which life seems driven. If it's not a misguided comment by a friend, it's a lecture, on some topic or other, by someone with whom you disagree entirely. It would not be meet to describe the instances fully, but rest assured they happen on a daily basis. 

I'm sure I could do better than writing other things in this blog than just dreams and complaints, and I suppose this small complaint may seem petty. But nevertheless it's nice to have somewhere to go. 

Now, I'm not a greatly political person. In fact, I would say that my politics aligns with those of the world's best rock stars, for example, Kurt Cobain or Jimmy Hendrix. Perhaps Kurt doesn't massively fit with this appraisal, but certainly Jimmy would not have been as popular were he to have had a political point of view, or at least a more political viewpoint. In fact, I have struggled to find my place in the world of politics. That is, a person in my own position, that is, on social benefits, under the social system, social housing, state wages, with a mental illness entirely subsidised by the NHS and so forth, well, perhaps you would forgive me for a socialist leaning. In fact, having read Marx's Capital (to a degree), I was impressed by some of the sentiments, and by some of the content, in the sense in which it leans towards a fairer society for those with less money, and less education, and so on and so forth. But in the same breath, you have capitalists who say that socialism leads directly to communism, and the latter ideology has a very poor PR on the whole, indeed. You hear that socialism is an extremist ideology, taken up by Russians and Chinese, who live in communist societies, and who have very little freedom. 

So, as much as I have sympathy with the socialist outlook, I feel myself very 'put under' by the opposing team, who tell me that that outlook is more extremist than extremism itself. I would, in that sense, say I am opposed to extremism. That is a given, and that is fair enough to say. But while I have sympathy for socialism on a minor scale, I actually find myself supporting the conservatives. That is, while the whole world seems up in arms about the party-going habits of our leader during lockdown time, I actually still empathise and sympathise with Boris Johnson. People who hate this man say that he is one of the rich elite, who have been Eton educated and born in power, and should be despised for his authoritarian ways. But whenever I see the man, and this is coming from a person for whom that level of expertise and energy can only ever amount to a dream, I feel proud and I feel a connection. When it comes to parties and whatnot, well, I have to say, I do not care. It is about as severe a reprimand as a speeding ticket, and has nothing to do with whether he can run the country or not. And furthermore, when I see the man, I see nothing but competence and humanity. The man himself, despite all the negativity and backlash he has to deal with every day, is in fact, absolutely and positively resilient, and I wouldn't sniff at it were he to be a permanent fixture. People on the left try to muddy his name, but to me it all amounts to petty name calling and so on and so forth. 

So, it seems, much as I should be socialist, and leftist, I have a great deal more empathy with the right. Also, in saying that, I have empathy with Capitalism. That is, and being wholly a part of this university, which to me represents a wholesome and worthwhile institution, I understand that there is a greater entity to which to attain. That is, when I am driving through an area heavily populated with tall company buildings, and enterprise, I see that there is a larger infrastructure to which we should all attain. And what is this infrastructure? It is being able to put your bins out and have them picked up by workers who make that their business. It is being able to go a store and buy your weekly shop knowing there are people who've made the effort enough to make sure the shelves are stocked, with goods that have been produced and regulated by people who've made the effort to make sure they can reach you. It is products, and music, and industry, and money, and yes, there are people at the top who are intelligent enough to ensure these things can get to us. 

Today I had a conversation with someone who is 'one of those' people. That is, an antivaxxer, anti-government, anti-education, anti-capitalist, anti-every-fucking-thing, protest marching person. I mean, he's a nice guy, who has helped me in otherwise difficult situations, but what he was say, I find it to be the case that I can't abide by any of it. At all. 

The situation I'm in, that is, the situation that perhaps caused me to come online and write about these things, is that, I cannot for the life of me explain to some people that there are individuals on planet Earth who are so clever, so intelligent, that it would be hard for people like us to fathom. And not to put too fine a point on it, but I know these people exist, because one way or another I used to be one of them. But that's another story. One way or another, I am aware of the existence of people, and not merely doctors like GPs or what have you, who have extraordinary minds. They are amazing. And the reason I'm writing this now, I suppose, in a nutshell, is because this antivaxxer, as soon as I've tried to explain that we couldn't have this infrastructure without the minds of these men and women, well, he tried to convince me that nobody is that intelligent!!! 

I'm sorry, but this man has not been to college, to university or anything like that, so how would he know. But in short he actually said this to me, he said, "I've met intelligent people and they're not that intelligent." 

The fact is, just because you yourself are not intelligent, doesn't mean that intelligent people don't exist. I mean, I could outline the existence of Einstein, Newton, Bertrand Russel, Gödel, Beethoven, Bach, Steven Hawking, and so on and so forth. 

But my frustration lies in the fact that there is no way of explaining to some people that there exists intelligent people on the planet!!! 

There is intelligence. I know it for a fact. 

People who think that there aren't people who are that intelligent just aren't very intelligent themselves, I'm sorry. 

And therein lies the tale. 

But on this topic of what political persuasion I am, well I think I can at least safely say, I hate antivaxxers. I hate them. I despise them. And I'm sorry if this seems a little negative, but I can't hold it in anymore. And I would go one further and say, those who are antivax persuaded are in fact either (1) Crazy, (2) Not educated, (3) Simple minded, and (4) Top down they think the world is run by evil people. 

I want to say, in a mode in which to put your mind at ease, you have nothing to worry about. There is nothing to fear. The world is a good place, and there is good at the top, be it a good minded man or woman, a moral person, a moral ideology, or perhaps even a God! 

And in fact, I personally do believe in God. And further to that I just wish to add, that I myself will be adding, to my repertoire of spiritual activities such as meditation and relaxation, an hour of quiet prayer to that. And I think that's a good idea, and I wish to proceed as soon as possible. 

Many thanks, 
Daniel. 
x 

Meditation. 

My father is the zen king. A friend of mine described my dad as 'zen' some years back, and the description has never failed me. 

This even I was in the pub with my father and a friend of his from the old days. I must say, my father is the most moral man. The first thing I learnt when I studied philosophy at university fifteen years ago was that you don't necessarily have to be religious or even spiritual to be moral. My father, Fred, is not religious - at least not outwardly, although he has alluded to a greater sense of spiritual questioning, due to his advancing years. Yet his morality and humility are beyond bounds; he puts everyone else before him, he has such patience, and he gives everything he can, and he'll do anything for anyone, as they say. 

When it comes to my interpersonal relationship with my father, I daresay it is the truth: I do not tend to bring out the best in him. I take this to be for a number of reasons. One, who am I to him? How is he supposed to gauge who I am exactly? Am I his middle aged son, or am I his young child? Am I a world-weary intellectual, or am I a know nothing son of a builder? How is he supposed to gauge who I am? It must be difficult. On the other hand, when my father is talking over a pint to someone he's known for years - his best mate - someone who has striven to advance himself to my father in understanding on his own terms, that is when my father knows more who he is, and who he is talking to. So I saw old Fred in a good light - in a great light - this evening when he was talking to Tony, who is one of his best friends. Yes, Fred was talking fluently and freely about the legal proceedings that are taking place within the family, and was talking about his memories of Samoa, and spoke about these things with authority, and intelligence, and thoughtfulness, and I loved him. 

I don't wish to sour the note by saying that, one-to-one, when Tony was not there, I began to fail to understand the things my father was trying to get at. I don't know why that is. But perhaps it's detrimental to a notion that perhaps I myself am characteristically unsure of myself. But that's another thing. 

I'm quiet these days; I rarely talk. It must seem to people that I have little to say. Several people, though, have said it: I don't know things. I don't know things. That's a saying. It alludes to street-smarts, or even more worldly smarts. But I do know certain things. Unfortunately most people are not interested in hearing about how to solve a differential equation, or what a two-dimensional map is, or how to manipulate a Hessian matrix, or what they are, even. In a standard setting it must be true - I don't know things. So I remain quiet. 

When I arrived home I was stressed out. I have realised that this anxiety I have amounts to a type of panic attack. These panic attacks occur frequently - once or twice a day - and if they happen during the day, I must lie down abed and breath more regularly, inhaling through the nose and exhaling through the mouth, until my heartbeat has calmed down and reached the pace at which I am breathing. If they happen at night, as just occurred just now, I'm happy to sit quietly and meditate. 

The first few minutes of meditation are relatively awkward, and one wonders if there is a point to it at all. But I sit cross-legged on my bed, facing the window, lights out (other than my salt lamp - an orange glow), and I breath in through the nose, and out through the mouth until I have achieved a steady rhythm. There are two ways, I am given to understand, with which to proceed. One of them is to inwardly focus upon a thought - be it God's warmth, the compassion of Jesus, the expanse of the ego, or the delights of genius. I like to remember this technique to start with, but I rarely follow it. No, I tend to go in for that other way of doing things - to inwardly and actively reject all thoughts. That is, one must tell oneself, that thoughts are none of my business. But it is not just a matter of repeating 'thoughts are none of my business', but you must allow each thought to pass you by. That is, when a thought arises, you must remember that it is none of your business, and proceed. The way I have personally clocked this technique is by looking directly at my thinking - that is, the thinking substance itself. I have found a way to 'get behind' all thoughts by watching this mechanism at work, and allowing those monadic elements that arise upon awareness of them, to fall away. Then I say, 'deeper, deeper', and I go deeper, and I have a notion that is not borne out by the light of consciousness, and it may be something to do with the ego. For example, I realised that one outcome of meditation could be to expand the ego (although, this may seem counter-intuitive - we're supposed to disregard the ego, aren't we?). And tonight I saw that my ego is the full id of my understanding and encapsulates everything I know to be in existence in the world, and that I'll never fully disregard the ego, which I take to be the driving force of my mind and soul, and of which the female's is said to be the anima, so in effect, to enhance the ego is a good thing. 

During meditation I may or may not have on some music, say, some classical symphony or other, and this is a fine thing. Of course, it is peaceful enough to relax with nothing but the sound of silence - that way, we are left with the sound of things arising, and then passing away - arising, and passing away. Yet it is also a good thing to have on some symphony or other. For some symphonies may last an hour, and for one thing it is good to have a gauge of how long you are deep in this state, and to aim to finish with the penultimate finale of the piece. Tonight I had on Rachmaninov, and his is a fine second symphony, for if a symphony is worth its weight, it will map your thinking, enhance your thinking, and all the more give you something to release, when necessary, deeper and deeper. 

Meditation is a type of self-hypnosis. It is always wise to be aware of what it is from which we are dropping attachment. For me, it is always anxiety, and internal stress related pain. And yet, it is said, that in this fast-paced world in which we live, when we finally decided to come out of our meditative state, it is wise to make ourselves aware of the material world we are coming back into. For me it is a decision, that I know when I've done enough, and I listen to the traffic, and I begin to breathe in through the nose, and out through the mouth, and I say, when I open my eyes, I will feel more relaxed and mentally clear than I ever have, and then I gradually open my eyes, and I breathe outwardly, and I am done. I have meditated. 

I'm almost glad sometimes, that I have such panic attacks that meditation is deemed necessary, for otherwise I would not know calm. 

Daniel

This dream begins somewhere beneath the ocean, about four hours ago. 

I must frame Meister Kern as a a central character here; it seems fair enough. I am beneath the ocean, with my brother, and Meister Kern has told us about his being commissioned to make a film. We see Lee has done various drawings, and a crab is in a bucket. Ryan has something to do with such a crab. The crab is significant of work and, beneath the ocean, is a symbol of respect. Lee has also done some work with Lego, and we, being beneath the ocean so deep, are also beneath Brent Cross shopping centre. I vow to go into the Lego shop as soon as possible, to purchase some Lego, such that I am inspired enough, and such that I wish also to make some things (films, art) with Lego. Ryan will be alright, for now. 

But it seems that Lee has been commissioned to make a film, and it will be shown at the shopping centre. And I travel up to the shopping centre, and the film being shown is a remake of 'Gremlins'. My sister is in the audience, and thereare two halves to the theatre:- she is on the other side, or in any case, makes her way to the other side. We watch, within the audience, this introduction, and see many strange creatures: Gremlins - and we discuss something about them, and Corina has her thoughts about it, and I have mine, and Corina gets usurped to the other side. And a woman to my left, well, she recognises that I have something to say about the film, and in any case, the film begins. 

We are at Brent Cross, and inside the shopping centre, the Gremlins have taken over. I approach the first doorway from without, and my accomplice is the distinguished gentleman from Third Rock From The Sun; the alien, although he is merely a distinguished gentleman. And we approach the centre, and walk up some flight of stairs, and over the top, and there we are given ham and pancakes, and a gaggle of people are standing in the forecourt area. I think we are told, or are expected to work out, that there are gremlins inside the building. 

I am watching the film with Lee, and we are inside the film. I love Lee, and my brother is there.

We see, beneath the shopping centre, on the outside, well, we see a long stretch of waterway, like a stream, and the film continues. And we travel, this distinguished gentleman and I, over to said waterway, and we are now in the midst of a remake of 'Back To The Future', and now we see the preamble to the film. It seems Meister Kern has been given surplus amounts of footage to work with. In any case, the distinguished gentleman and I have usurped the waterway, and we are filling two of the left and right halves of it with concrete:- that is, Doc is mixing the concrete, and I am washing the waterway with it, to the effect that I am creating two trails of concrete in the water. There is something about this. Soon enough, we have usurped or commandeered, or in any case, created a hidden concrete track upon which we wish to test our DeLorean time machine. 

It is time for a cigarette. And Doc has given me a gun, a silver Colt Peacemaker, and he says, "Light your cigarette with the spark from the shot, or don't have a cigarette!" And so, I aim the gun up at the sky, and I fire, and my cigarette is lit from the sparks of the gun. 

Lee has been doing a great job of remaking Back to the Future, so far, and now we see Doc and Marty testing out their track. On the upper level there is a horse and carriage, or DeLorean, or in any case a faster vehicle, and just below we see Marty running as fast as he can to keep up with Doc. He occasionally bangs into the sides or the walls of tunnels, but he keeps momentum. This goes on, there is lots of excitement. 

Then eventually, as we watch Marty running down the track, we see the environment changes, and like ghosts coming from the ground, there appear people all around - for just a moment. 

I myself, sitting in the theatre, yet near the edge of the action, turn to Lee and say, "Momentum! Marty has kept the momentum!" I have realised, that Eighty-eight miles per hour is just the speed that keeps the momentum of a DeLorean going enough to travel in time, and that Marty's momentum is really what can cause you to travel in time. "Momentum," I say. "Energy, the time-independent Hamiltonian!" And I start to trace out the Schrödinger's equation in the air. Yet the film persists. Yet to my left there is a woman, and she is complaining to me about the silver gun in my hands, and I tell her, "It's just a toy," but she fails to believe in me until I demonstrate the shot - which is the effect of pointing the gun into the air, loaded with a cap, and I fire. I turn back to LEE - he says, "Armando." I'm trying to work out what he means by this, and I turn to the woman, and she transpires to actually be my wife, and I am surrounded by our children: three kids, and then I listen to the woman, and she claims that, in the midst of all this time travelling, the fact that I shot the gun at that particular time some while ago, well, that was in fact bad luck, and had caused the nightmarish effect of the phenomenon of Gremlins back at the Brent Cross shopping centre. I can see her logic. 

I begin to run back to the shopping centre, and the momentum of my run causes me to enter into a time-zone inwhich we see a few zombies, and yet there is more to this time travel. I run faster and faster and I enter into the shopping centre - right into the middle of the centre wherein there is an infestation of gremlins - and I bang right into a red illuminated ball in the centre: This ball then turns me in a Super Mario type character, and I have a small zippo lighter in hand, and every time I strike it, I jump. I strike it three times, and jump higher and higher into the air. This character - this Super Mario character - has the tenacity and power to eradicate the gremlins, and therein the tale ends. 

However, with my zippo lighter, I am able to shave the hair of Doc, and of a black man who stand with their backs to me, and my job of doing that is greatly appreciated. 

Therein lies the tale - I awaken. 

NB:- when I have run back to the shopping centre I have had my attention drawn to the fact of a Blue Peter van, that is a BBC van, and I move along and there it is, the BBC van. 

Daniel. 
x

I had a dream. A little dream. A dream about computer programming. 

I want to try to dig deep here, with the description of this dream, because although the dream was relatively simple, there are subtle elements that I seem to have forgotten, which I feel I could remember if I just laid out the steps. 

Now, the dream did not begin where I start. I start close to the end. I start where I am sitting at a terminal and I am talking on the phone to an operator, who is a friend or old teacher of programming, and I'm asking her about how to get started on a refresher course of computer programming. I have a command prompt page up, and I say (on the phone), "It's B4, isn't it, to start?" and I type "B4" into the prompt, and things start to kick off - the other terminals fire up, and the tutor says, "Oh yes, I think I see what you mean!" I have recently found an old module book which has within it some instruction on how to program, and I tell the tutor this. It is about this time that I wake up with a strange desire to do some coding, and I come to my PC and I fire it up, and I get out my Python Crash Course book, and I have a cup of tea and a roll-up, and look at the screen. I fail to know exactly what I want to code. 

I think I have time to code, during the course of my studies. In fact, I have ample time. I would like to learn how to make websites, but this is further down the line. I need to refresh my mind about basic coding. 

Anyway, the dream started earlier, and a key point about it was the appearance of mathematician Eric Weinstein. We were in some sort of warehouse full of computers. The FBI are involved in some sort of investigation (I'd love to know about what!), and it has to do with technology. In short, Eric is the mastermind of some sort of "conspiracy" in which some files are being sought via the internet and hacking, and it's some sort of hacking scandal. 

There are computers. The computers represent the files. The files are being investigated. Eric is a computer coding genius and the head of the operation, but whether he is helping the FBI or protecting the hackers is not clear. He seems to be doing both. 

The FBI have moved in and they are close to uncovering the conspiracy. A file is opened and investigated; many files are. But the FBI are thwarted in their investigation because the programs are written to protect the information, and they hence parry off any attempts to uncover the information, and the files are closed down, and the system is reset, and we are left with many terminals with plain screens and evident command prompt windows, and Eric is suitably satisfied. 

It's a computer-based dream, and now the Big Bang Theory TV show cast of Sheldon, Leonard and Howard are here working, and there is a woman from the show, and it's a dream so we are allowed to touch her body. Anyway, she gives us all a great wank each. 

Then we are at the end of the dream, where I began. 

There that's it! 

Daniel. 

Hello, 

I don't know what I have to say, but the stress is creeping up, and I don't know why. So the best thing to do is to tap some keys and see what happens. 

I must say, my dream last night was really particularly stunning, and I've never experienced anything quite like it. I've told you about it, so there's nothing more to say, but I suppose I would like to have more dreams like it. 

I said that it was a lucid dream, but in fact it wasn't quite lucid - although that doesn't detract from its clarity. I've never seen anything more clear. When I saw those spaceships shooting across the sky... I said to Joan, "I've had dreams like this, but nothing as clear as this!" I thought the dream was real, and God forbid it was a lucid dream!! Actually, I've not had a lucid dream for a very long time. I've forgotten how to access them. #

I'm watching The Sopranos - the final show of series five. There's one more series left to watch. I've enjoyed it. 

I've been recommended to watch Nathan For You, a comedy show. I will watch it - it sounds hilarious. It's about a guy who goes to businesses to offer help, under the guise of being a "help" show! Anyway, that's for next week. 

Charlie's ill. He has some kind of cold or flu. So it means we can't go to our recording session on Sunday...

We've recorded an album. It's called Prefrontal Vortex - by Two Five Burn. It's alternative rock, well, grunge really. Although it's more just hard rock. I sing on it, and play guitar. Actually, I wrote all the songs, and play most of the instruments. Rob played drums on half of it, and Mass played bass on half of it. Thank God for Charlie, who will be playing all of the synthesisers. Anyway, it sounds quite good. We've just got to record the synths and backing vocals and the mix it and master it. I'm paying Rob a hundred quid, provided I can afford it. But I think he deserves it. I'll pay Charlie fifty quid too. I was going to pay Mass fifty quid, but only played half the bass tracks. I'll pay him thirty. I can't wait to release it. We'll have to do a live show. 

Anyway, you're all up to date. I'm still a bit stressed; that didn't really work!

See you later. 

Daniel.