Sometimes I feel alive, enthusiastic, full of excitement and wonder. Other times I am like a flat battery that can't seem to hold its charge or see much hope in anything. Other times there's an odd mix of brain chemistry that is so horrible I can't put it into words. 

It is helpful for me to remember the brain is the body. It is dependent on conditions largely outside my control, meaning it will change. It won't always function in the way I wish it would, and eventually it will cease when the conditions it depends on cease.

That is the way of things with dependent origination. Conditioned phenomena is impermanent. It isn't gloomy to think this way. It can be a helpful tool to bring some equanimity to the mind. It helps me let go of the clinging and aversion towards things, and to stop taking it personally. Which decreases the suffering somewhat.

Sometimes difficult things happen that are outside our control. And sometimes it’s our own fault, we behave in unskilful ways and reap the kamma for it. Whatever it is, we then go and add more suffering to the situation with the longing, aversion, and taking it personally. This is the mental pain we add to physical and worldly difficulties. This is what makes us suffer.

I remember one night I got stranded on the mainland after missing the last boat back to the island. I had just completed a lengthy 10-hour journey coming back from my dad’s funeral. And I arrived at the ferry terminal late due to a delay with the coach. I felt exhausted and a bit unwell. There was nowhere to stay, and a long wait till the next ferry in the morning. So I went to sit on the beach, tried to roll a joint to make myself feel better. And I'd almost finished rolling it, when there was a huge gust of wind that blew it all away, and then it started raining. I felt like the person off the Hamlet advert, but without the cigar.

Then the day of the funeral all came back to me, and I burst into tears. It all just gushed out. I felt so lonely.

Then I saw my dad’s face in the sea. And I said I was sorry for not getting chance to speak to him before he died. I wished him well and told him he was loved.

Then the wind and rain became unbearable, so I went to find some shelter. I spent the rest of the night alternating between walking, standing, and sitting meditation.

I went through so many mood swings in that one night. Like the mind was changing, morphing into all sorts of different shapes and patterns. I was even seeing things that weren't there. It was challenging.

Through it all I tried to remain still and not get disturbed by the changing psychic weather. I just kept bringing my attention back to the breath and body to calm and centre the mind. Not engaging with anything else. Meditation felt like a refuge. There were strange eerie sounds at times like banshees wailing. (They turned out to be seabirds, the tunnel making their calls echo in ghostly ways).

 Eventually after many hours of this, the mind converged into a oneness, and it all disappeared. The psychic weather passed. Leaving behind a stillness and beautiful emptiness that I can't put into words. 

I was greeted at sunrise by a friendly pigeon watching me intently with smiley eyes. Then it vocalised a set of patterns, and some moments later another pigeon responded in the distance with a different set of vocal patterns.

The pigeon flew away. 

The wind and rain outside had stopped. It also dependent on conditions.

I went to get a coffee and my card was declined by the reader. I laughed, and the cashier laughed as well. She said that happens to her all the time, and that she keeps a supply of cash with her just in case.

Luckily, I had a few coins on me and managed to buy the coffee.

...

Feeling quite rough today. Have become very shivery. And there's a heavy achiness about the body that seems to reach right into the marrow of my bones. I tried to study, but had to give up in the end and liedown. It is cold here at the moment, but keeping the heating off as can't afford to have it on as much as I would like. The cost of energy has sky-rocketed. Apparently this is because we are currently buying our gas off the US who are charging extortionate prices, and they won't let anyone buy cheaper fuel from Russia. Meaning energy prices have gone up here in the UK and the EU.

I am very touched by how my Upāsikā (lay Buddhist) friends have reached out to me and offered their support. Even though we are long distances apart scattered all over the world, there is a strong spiritual connection between us, which warms my heart. I feel blessed to be on this year's Upasika training program, and feel very fortunate to be part of a good bunch of open-hearted people. It really makes a difference to have good friends on the spiritual path.

I was reading about a 1200 year old Tibetan prophecy called the Shambhala warrior. Which is about a group of spiritual people who will rise up during these dark times to dismantle the weapons and technology of mass destruction and lead the world to a new era of peace. 

A Shambhala warrior uses two weapons: compassion, and insight into interdependence, to defeat the old warring and greedy order and bring healing to the Earth. There are Shambhala warriors everywhere, in every country, in every institution, even in the corridors of power. Some might not even know they are Shambhala warriors, and some would not recognise other warriors if they walked passed them in the street, as each one acts independently on their own initiative. They do not have a flag, badges, or any means of identification, and they are not motivated by greed, hatred, or delusion. 

Some have big tasks to perform, and others seemingly small, but each one effects the Earth in a positive way. As each time a Shambhala warrior acts out of compassion and kindness, it sends an energetic ripple that effects everything due to the process of dependent origination. 

There are apparently a great number of Shambhala warriors here now at this time, (maybe you are one dear reader,) and even though it feels hopeless just now and extinction is inevitable. The Shambhala warriors will through compassion and insight into dependent origination, heal the Earth and bring in a new era of peace and stability for all beings (-:

I don't know if the prophecy is true, but it is a nice thought, and brings some hope and cheer to the mind, which is better than feeling like we are doomed. And if we are all done for as a species well it is better to die performing acts of generosity, kindness and compassion, as these acts help to gladden the mind and that is the state of mind one wants at the time of death, plus that good karma carries over into the next life. So you have nothing to lose and much to gain by practising loving-kindness.

Warriors arise!