My main practise edge just now seems to be purifying my thoughts. Bloody difficult. But not impossible. The Buddha assures me that it can be done, it just takes time, determination and effort. Very difficult, but the rewards for doing it are well worth it.

The Buddha sometimes talks to me, yeah it sounds crazy, I don't know if it really is him or some aspect of the mind that takes on the persona of the Buddha. I have read a lot of suttas and listened to many dhamma talks, so it could be that my mind has created that voice within to help me. But it also feels real, like it really is the Buddha talking to me. If it is a delusion it is not unhelpful, as the advice is golden.

 I connected with him the first time I actually succeeded at breath meditation and my consciousness suddenly became very different, it went from mundane to an expansive bliss that I can't put into words. All the stress and sorrow, was completely gone. The Buddha appeared to me and said: 'Well done.'

Ever since then he occasionally appears to give me advice when I am struggling. Not just the Buddha but his famous disciples too. I have had the honour of speaking to Mogallana and Sariputta among others. I seem to be part of a spiritual sangha of enlightened beings now, human and non-human who have become my friends and offer support when I need it. But they are always clear I have to do the work myself. It is up to me, noone else can do the work for me.

The impurities of the mind have become relentless on their assualt on the heart, my inner life has become a battlefield. Mindfulness, right effort and samhadi is my protection from them.

 If mindfulness slips though, they can get into the heart and wreak all sorts of damage. But once I see that they have poisoned the heart I then have to remove them. And return to keeping the seven factors of enlightenment going.

The making effort part is not all that pleasant, but I know from experience that eventually what we practice grows stronger and becomes second nature. At that point it gets easier and then becomes effortless. I am just learning skills. There's nothing magical going on, any one of us if we put in the effort can free our minds from greed, hate and delusion, and it is worth it. Samsara is short changing us, nibanna is much better.

If I notice my thoughts are about greed, ill will, conceit, delusion, or are total nonsense (rubbish that comes in from the world). I interrupt the thoughts and label them as such. At first this was tiring to do, it didn't feel like liberation, it felt unpleasant. But something has changed now, when I interrupt the thoughts after they've gone astray and label them. The mind quickly abandons them, just like that, it drops them and willingly returns to centering with the breath and body. No arguments or resistance. 

At the moment the solar plexus and heart area of the body feels really good to anchor attention with as I go about the day. Feels really nice being centred there.

It is like the mind is now understanding at a deep level that greed, hate, conceit and delusion are no good and lead to suffering, and when I interrupt these kind of thoughts the mind willingly drops them. 

The thoughts come back, and I get absorbed in them again. Then I remember, become aware,  mindfulness returns, I interrupt and label the thoughts, and the mind happily lets go of them and centres with the breath and body. I will also generate thoughts of goodwill and peace to all beings or reflect on the dhamma if thinking is not too tiring. Wholesome thoughts I encourage, it's just the unwholesome thoughts I abandon. 

But at times it is nice to not think even good thoughts. To stop thinking and enjoy silence, a wordless peace that doesn't depend on language.

...

This is a tough module I am studying (M269). Spent hours trying to understand and answer a question on the TMA. I tried so hard, but had to quit in the end and submit the assignment, leaving the last parts of the question unanswered, I will lose a lot of marks, but I did try my best. I am honestly wondering if I am going to pass this module, it may be that I'll have to resit it again next year if I don't. 

After submitting the assignment, I sat in Zazen over Zoom. I was feeling stressed about a lot of things during the meditation. And felt quite dark in mood while sat there. I was worrying about the assignment; but also anxious about the state of the world and all the crazy stuff happening just now. Sad and mad about seeing species go extinct, something I am witnessing with my own eyes. 

 Then there's the homelessness crisis, in part due to banks kicking people out of their homes due to missing their mortgage payments, not their fault either, these familes lost their income because of the lockdowns. The government is so keen to save lives by treble-vaxxing everyone, yet I can't help but feel if they really were trying to save lives, why don't they help these poor folks trying to survive on the streets in the middle of winter? Why don't they help the old and vulnerable dying in care homes due to staff shortages or dying in NHS hospitals because relatives can no longer afford to pay for their care. I feel afraid of the huge poverty that is coming from the fallout of this pandemic. Why are they doing nothing to help these people who are at risk of death from extreme poverty?

 I also feel so sorry for the refugees. it was horrifying to hear on the news about that large fishing boat that purposely put itself in the way of drowning refugees and the lifeboats trying to save them. How could they be so heartless and cruel. I cannot understand why people can become like that. 

And I am sick to death of all the happy clappy fake plastic smiley corporate advertisements. Sick of all the celebrity bullshit, blah blah blah so what. All this being broadcast while the Earth is in a major crisis right now. I wish the governments of the world would show more enthusiasm, effort and coordination over reversing the sixth mass extinction event than this mass-vaccination campaign. If they can put so many resources, logistics, academics and energy into vaccinating everyone, surely they could do the same for turning this terrifying mass extinction event around, and also help all those suffering from poverty and homelessness. The governments are so fake, them and the media.

I spoke of all my concerns with the Zen group today (one can stay and have a discussion with the group after meditation). They were all very kind and said a lot of helpful things to cheer me up and help me feel better. Reminding me there are lots of good people out there. And although it all seems futile at times, whatever small way we can help others means something to those we help. That one needs to fight back with compassion. They advised me to read about someone called Joanna Macy, saying she was someone who may be a kindred spirit for me in these dark times, and might help me feel some hope and rekindle love and compassion in my heart.

 I also stated to my friends in the sangha that I had made a vow to never take my life no matter how hard things get. After confessing to them that I had felt like doing so. Mainly because I couldn't bare the thought of seeing any more species go extinct, or witness any more refugees drowning at sea, any more war, poverty or suffering, I didn't want to live in the Orwellian, dystopian world we seem to be heading towards. They were happy to hear that I have made a vow to never commit suicide. I feel publicly making this vow and the painting I made to seal it is a kind of protection for me. Because the thoughts do constantly whirl around my head at times, but seeing my painting and remembering my words can help me stay alive I think.  

One bit of advice that stuck out for me was to try and see my negative mood cycles as like being in a womb, a state of becoming. A time to retreat, nurture and take care, not get too overwhelmed with the sorrow of the world, but care for it with a tenderness like one would a growing baby, and all that sorrow can give birth to something beautiful if one is patient and gentle with it. It can become love and compassion instead of anger and hate. The bodhisattva of compassion Avalokiteshivra has many many hands and eyes, and those who have taken the bodhissatva vow are her many eyes and hands in this world.

I was so glad that I sat with them today and that I stayed to chat at the end. I nearly didn't, my mood was so negative I didn't want to bring it into the online zendo, but at the last minute I decided I would sit with them. And it did help, not just me, but the other people there were grateful for the discussion we had at the end, as the words of wisdom shared by the different members of the group seemed to help everyone.