This entry might not be quite as enthusiastic as my last but I will try to be happy with what I have done and where I am going..

This year of study is already starting to take it's toll; I am on my third TMA which is due this week and I haven't even started it. I do feel a considerable amount of pressure which is work related as I have been sick for 3 months now suffering with anxiety and depression. In the past I would usually attempt essays knowing pretty much what they would look like when complete, this one however, completely different.

I feel that my ability to question and open my imagination to certain ideas and concepts helps me to explore and give good analysis of sources when writing essays; that being said, I feel that I am currently overwhelmed by the workload. My ideas are usually too big. They require a lot of work and a good amount of concentration which is something I have been lacking lately. The more I think about this the more I question 'am I capable of completing a degree?', not intellectually but more to do with endurance...

So I had a quick glance over potential arguements for my next essay and I found a bunch; it is at this point, and this happens a lot, I realise something without learning from it, that is, I have no good notes about any of the arguements I see myself presenting. Will I do something about this? No. Notes right now would be so helpful. The dumbest expressed thought ever... you see this is the real reason I don't see myself completing a degree, and that is because I never learn but, I expect myself to do very well at the same time. I want nothing less than a 2.1. And yet, I see my own inability to commit to hard work. I see the difference between why I consistently, through out most of my study, achieve B's and never A's. It's hard work. But I probably turn it into incredibly hard work by not learning from past mistakes.

So, now I am considering my third essay and I am already confident (touch wood) that my arguements are solid but, will my essay look like the one I have in my head right now, when it is complete? No. I will hit a point where I think 'that's a good idea...wait, I need to go back and read source material and check it lines up and supports my point,,,oh yeah, I also may need to see if I am considering the source enough as to not miss any other contradictions or positive points of arguement...' will I do this? No. I ask myself the question 'Can I do better?' in my head , yes! in reality, No!

In addition to writing out drafts and notes, this time I also decided I would just write a small narrative about my essay, just to get myself typing. I opened my word processor and just started to type down a story of events, and linked them with essay arguements just so I had written them down in some form. It was quite fun. My essay is about Urban societies and how they are run...so I open my own town in a Early modern setting and just went along countering each problem with a counter point from my ideas... so for example

'Ok, we just found out that a local town has the plague we need to implement quarantine. 'Wait a sec, where is that guy going? HEY, YOU!!!! WHERE YOU GOING? WE JUST IMPLEMENTED QUARANTINE...YOU CAN'T JUST LEAVE, GET BACK!!!' you get the idea..it's a bit like theme hospital.

Anyway, i'm off!

Need to get writing some essay kind of stuff..

Bye