Personal Blogs

TW: Mental health and references to suicide

Hey blog, 

Today was the first time I've studied for a couple days, my support worker came over yesterday so it took me all day to decompress from that. It looks like from the 20th February I will have between 2 - 6 weeks before I will be made homeless. 

I need to attend court on the 20th February to fight for 6 weeks extension on my tenancy, my support worker Rebecca (who is from the salvation army) is going to ask the court to allow her in with me as it will be an emotionally turbulent day which is going to challenge my BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) as I can sometimes feel very suicidal when things happen that are out of my control. I am in remission with the help of a private prescription for cannabis so I am seeing the court hearing as a challenge to use my coping mechanisms and my skills that I have been building up over the last year. I am hopeful that by being able to predict how I might react will help me when observing if my body has been triggered and needs reassurance and grounding. 

My emotional dysregulation to the layman may look like, depression, panic attacks, anxiety, rage, reckless/dangerous behaviour and suicidal threats and actions. All of these things are at the root are extreme emotional overwhelm and dysregulation. BPD has a lot of stigma attached to it which is a shame because BPD develops in young adults from years of complex trauma as children that they neither asked for or deserved and now have the responsibility of having bodies with the emotional regulation of a toddler, and yes this is incredibly embarrassing and the stigma against us only makes us feel worse and more demonised.

I have taught myself over the past year, with the help of the internet and with commitment to myself how to heal my brain, I have watched TedTalk after TedTalk different studies, psychologists and alternate healing which is where I learned that Medical Cannabis has been legal in the UK since 2018! If you had tried 2 or more treatments you are eligible to try cannabis as a private treatment option which I had tried almost every anti-depressant and mood stabiliser going, and these tablets caused me stomach issues, brain fog, sexual dysfunction, so many side effects, some side effects I had to take even more tablets just to combat. At one point I was on 5 tablets a day at 21 years old. The tablet that helped the most was called Duloxetine but I am very forgetful and if I missed a dose of Duloxetine the withdrawals were absolutely horrible. It feels as though you're in a video game and it is lagging and I couldn't regulate my body temperature, luckily these subsided within an hour or two of taking another dose. 

I started my medical cannabis journey while I was still taking 120mg/day of Duloxetine. After about 3 months I realised the symptom that effected me the most was the emotional dysregulation that comes with my BPD and with the help of the cannabis I am able to regulate my body and mind within around ten minutes, no matter how upset or suicidal, no matter how bad the thoughts were, I could ground myself within ten minutes, and no anti-depressant or mood stabiliser in pill form I have ever taken has worked that quickly or effectively. I called my GP and told them I no longer needed to be on my tablets and they gave me a couple packs of different doses of Duloxetine and with the help of my Psychiatrist at the Cannabis Clinic I was able to fully come off all tablet form medication. My stomach issues have either gone away from not taking the tablets or are eased by the cannabis, I'm not sure which option it is because there are too many variables but I am just happy I no longer have to take tablets ritually and I also don't have debilitating stomach cramps anymore. Another thing I like about cannabis is it doesn't matter if I miss a day because I don't have to take it ritually I can just use it when I am in a triggered state. 

I didn't intend to talk so much about cannabis in this post but I think I am feeling really grateful for it today, it has changed my life completely. That stupid illegal green smelly plant has given me my life back, and medical cannabis smells so much nicer than black market, so if you use regularly you're probably already medicating for something so you might as well get legal about it!!  

Regarding becoming homeless, there is no temporary accommodation in my area, even for vulnerable groups so I will be sheltered in a hostel or a hotel. I am hoping for a hotel because my mental health isn't the best and I would feel safer in a hotel than I would a hostel, but I will keep this blog updated with everything as it goes. I have an appointment with Shelter Cymru on the 10th of Feb to discuss my housing situation and where we are going to go from there. 

I was going to make a cup of tea but forgot my kettle is broken, and I am not buying a new kettle this close to being kicked out, so a cup of squash and some biscuits it is! That's all for now, remember that even in our darkest nights the sun always comes back and the clouds always part again, nothing lasts forever so lets experience it while we're her

Current ambiance: (165) RDR2 Relaxing Ambient Walk across the Map | 4K Ultra Max Graphics - YouTube 

Evan.

I did it, I finished my maths lesson and now I'm back on here to talk a little bit about me, what I am doing, and why I am doing it.

My name is Evan, I'm 27 and I  live in south Wales. My course I am doing is Natural Sciences with an Astronomy and Planetary science pathway. I chose this because I have always loved the night sky and the stars, and even when everything else in life has been chaotic and unstable, the moon and the stars are the same guys every night you know? Every night the same friends come out and you can see their cycles and this really brought me a lot of comfort in moments of stress in my life. 

The comfort the stars gives me is something I struggle to out down into words, I am neurodivergent and I have a mental health condition called EUPD which stands for Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder, which is an absolutely horrific name for a condition where a persons mind is already full of negative self talk, but I refuse to let something as limited as language to describe myself because the past year I have realised I am much more than my labels, so I don't spend much time worrying about labels or what other people have to say about me. 

In December 2023 I was very suicidal and something saved my life that night and since that night I have spend the past year trying to get my life back on track because there is something out there that loves me more than I do and I believe I am supposed to be here and I'm not just a fluke of nature, I truly believe human beings are here in the universe for a reason and were not just random like I originally thought!

This leads me onto why I am studying this course! I am studying with the Open university for a few reasons, firstly my mental health can make it difficult to study conventionally, I often need to study late at night, and sometimes I can't study for a week due to my mental health, and the OU gives me the freedom to miss a week and be able to catch up with study and not miss any content because it is self paced, so that is one big reason why I chose the OU. Another reason is I am not a fan of waking up early and if I had to get up for a 9am lecture every day I'd never complete my course. 

Why did I choose my Natural Sciences (Astronomy and Planetary Science)? Truth is I have no idea where life I going to take me and in 6 years jobs may exist that don't right now, so I don't want to be locked into a specific job title or anything like that because life is so dynamic and fluid. I currently work one shift a week in McDonalds, I see it as my community service because I struggle with conventional jobs  and seeing it as a job, so I like to see it as community service lighting up peoples days because if I see it as work for some reason my body refuses to do it and they love me there, I do have to say, customers love me! 

I want my life to be meaningful and Natural Sciences opens up so many options! I could go into the space sector if I wanted to but right now I am more concerned with our own gorgeous planet, so I am thinking about what I could do to help climate change, carbon capture possibly, something that really gets me going is space trash!! what are we going to do about that because if we carry on the way we are and keep sending up rockets and satellites without returning the debris to Earth to be recycled or disposed of is incredibly irresponsible!! But this course gives me options to do something that is in alignment with what I love and what I want to achieve! I can't wait to see where this course takes me!

Anyway that was a little bit, or a lot, about me and how I'm feeling right now, where my head is at!