Personal Blogs

Gouache on paper 40x50cm 

Gouache on paper 40x50cm 

I was reflecting on how the Dhamma is the greatest treasure a person can find. More valuable than gold, more valuable than anything I can think of. It is always there. A solid refuge.

Gouache on paper 40x50cm 

Gouache on paper 30x40cm 

This has been a tough month so far. My health seems to be getting steadily worse. I had to drop out of studying as I was unable to complete my assignments due to cognitive impairment. The Open University have granted me a study break and given me till 2033 to complete the degree. They also said I have earnt enough credits for a higher diploma if I find I can’t finish the degree — which I can claim any time.

I have been finding the energy for painting has decreased somewhat, I can only seem to manage a few hours before I have to lay down and rest. I still enjoy painting, but not so much the fatigue afterwards. The fatigue is particularly harsh. I am not complaining. I try to practise mindfulness of feelings. Whatever sensations and thoughts arise, whether they be pleasant, painful, or neutral, I try not to be disturbed by them. I watch them rise and fall and let go of the stories I tell myself about them. This works, just seeing them is enough for the mind to let go of them — when I remember. That’s the difficult part, remembering.

Mindfulness means to keep something in mind, to remember. When I remember the Dhamma, I am no longer ignorant, but when I forget the Dhamma, the ignorance returns.

I have been experiencing a lot of doubt this month about my artistic ability. Perhaps I have been listening too much to the opinions of others. Abstract artists often get given a hard time on social media. We are often not seen as proper artists. But I love creating abstract art. I have painted landscapes and portraits in the past, but they seemed to lack something. When I look at portraits and landscapes done by other artists, I see the difference. You can feel the artist’s energy in them, which seems to be missing from mine. I have come to the conclusion it is because I don’t enjoy painting landscapes and portraits and so the energy isn’t there in the finished piece. I think it is a lot to do with enjoyment, those who enjoy painting landscapes and portraits you can feel it in their finished pieces. That’s why I think people should paint the way they want to paint, not in the way others think they should paint. Once we find our own style we won’t want to paint in any other style.

I remember watching an interview with a famous portrait/figurative artist, I can’t remember his name, but he said he didn’t like painting landscapes, he could paint them well enough, but the fire wasn’t there. He preferred figurative/portrait art as that’s what he enjoyed doing best. You could see the difference as well, his figurative art had something that his landscapes lacked. I think that is how it is with me, I just loving doing abstract art, that’s where my fire is, that’s what I enjoy doing. It might not be everyone’s cup of tea, but it’s where the inner muse is for me.

This doesn’t mean I only enjoy looking at abstract paintings. On the contrary, I enjoy looking at landscapes, portraits, and still life as well, at least the good paintings, the ones that you can feel the energy of the artist in, the one’s with character, the paintings that have something of the artist in them. That’s the difference between a draftsman and an artist. Not that there’s anything wrong with being a draftsman, great job if you can get it, and I admire the technical skill involved. AI (artificial intelligence) is now like a draftsman, it can perfectly replicate just about anything you ask it to, including abstract art. Yet in spite of this, something created by a human has an energy that is hard to put into words. An internal energy that a machine lacks — an artist is not an automaton.

Gouache on paper 40x50cm 

Gouache on paper 40x50cm 

Gouache on paper 40x50cm 

Gouache on paper 30x40cm 

I stand watching the ocean and become aware of the sounds happening all around. I notice there is ringing in my ears, but instead of judging it, I just listen to it with gentle curiosity. Noticing how it keeps changing. How sound is change. How sound needs time, it can’t work without it.

We can preserve an image in a moment, but not sound. Without time, sound doesn’t work. What is sound? It is waves of vibrating air molecules hitting the eardrum, which then creates a sense impression in the mind.

I notice the sound of seagulls and feel the breeze and the cool air all around and within me. It feels invigorating, uplifts my mood, and my attention becomes centred on the air element.

Thoughts continue in the background like whispy white noise, and I notice how similar they are to the ringing in the ears, constantly changing. I feel grateful for the freedom to be able to disengage from them, to stop identifying with them. To be able to absorb my attention into something else instead, something more tranquil. Just that in itself can feel like freedom. It is no fun being caught up in the head. Constant thinking can be tiring and feel like torture.

I keep the body still and upright, enjoying the solidity, the weight, the feeling of the earth element grounding me. I feel the earth below spreading out boundless in all directions, and this helps to steady the mind and bring some composure.

Instead of letting go or not clinging. I prefer the term 'not holding onto' that seems to work for me. Just let things be without holding onto them. I can still enjoy things then, and live, but if I don't hold onto them, then I don't have to worry about letting go of them later, because I never became attached. 

I've done some pretty stupid things in my life and made some poor choices. When I try to let go of the regret I feel for that, it doesn't seem to work for me. I find that although I seem to let go for a moment, I find myself clinging again the next moment.

When I think instead about not holding onto anything, then that makes it easier. I don't know why, it means the same thing as not clinging, but a different use of wording has a magic effect on the mind. 

There's nothing to hold onto, everything changes from moment to moment, this moment is already gone, and the next, and the next... and everything and everybody is destined to die one day. I don't mean that to sound depressing. On the contrary, it is a relief to know this. Nothing matters then. One becomes like a peaceful life stream just flowing from one moment to the next without stressing.

I feel unwell today. And the body is creaky. Fatigue is challenging. It often defeats me. I really didn’t want to get out of bed this morning. It can be a mission sometimes. Cooking felt like a chore. Did manage to rustle up a meal in the end. It is always a relief when I get that out of the way. I don’t have to worry about cooking again or eating for the rest of the day. I try to eat before 3 p.m. and fast until the next morning.

I am studying machine learning at the moment. Did a recap on Python programming, got lost somewhere in arrays and tensors, and the many ways these can be accessed — before I had to stop and have a rest. I will try to manage it in small doses. Learning new stuff can be painful, especially when it comes to computers. 

There’s a lot of hype about A.I. in the news, but it isn’t what we think it is. We like to attribute human characteristics to it, but it is just a machine, an advanced autonotom. It gets fed lots and lots of training data, and if it makes mistakes, it adjusts itself according to some set parameters. It keeps doing this until it gets better at what it does and makes fewer mistakes. But it takes a long time to get there and a lot of training.

The scary thing is people are giving power to these machines to make important decisions. AI is very efficient at specialist tasks and can do them really fast, but only those specific tasks, and it still can make mistakes, it isn’t 100% right all the time. 

If an AI was to try and live a day as a human being or even as an earthworm. It would struggle and fail. It has no experience of what it is to be a human.

 I guess hype sells. It is the next Silicon Valley gold rush. 

While AI does have the potential to be a useful tool, to become dependent on it to run society would be a huge costly mistake and a disaster waiting to happen. Not because AI is evil and wants to take over the world, and not because it wants to destroy humanity, it has no concept of good or evil. It just obeys instructions and does what you ask it to because it is a mindless machine. 

It’s the way it solves problems that may be dangerous. The solution it comes up with may be unexpected and not what one intended. A.I. has no experience of being a human or what it feels like to have a body. So its solutions can be a bit quirky, and unlike anything a human would have thought up. 

It may also worsen social inequality due to inherent bias in the data it is trained on. As well as hallucinate and make mistakes. Not to mention the huge amount of electricity that is needed to run these machines, and the materials used to make them, how that is harming the environment. The truth of the matter is they are designed to make corporations wealthy, not really about making society or the planet better. 

AI is not what we imagine it is when we interact with it. It is not like us, it’s a bunch of algorithms and artificial neurons, and nowhere near as advanced as a human being.

Maybe one day it may get that advanced, who knows, but it is not there yet. 

There are computer chips now in development that use human lab-grown brain cells, called neuromorphic chips, which could have the potential to become sentient. They are being designed because they are more efficient at using electricity. But it is rather creepy, and I am surprised scientists were even allowed to do this. If these part biological machines do become sentient, it would be cruel, as the corporations that made them will claim ownership over them and of course, deny they are sentient. It raises all sorts of ethical quandaries.

Still, humans may not survive long enough to see really advanced AI, especially with the way modern consumerism is consuming the planet. Greed is insatiable, and all this industrial pollution is not just affecting the wildlife, it is affecting us too, our biology. We are part of the natural world, what kills ecosystems, also kills us.

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