It was a struggle to get up today. I felt fatigued and the body ached. I lay there under the sheets not wanting to face the world. The brain fog and dullness of senses felt like torture. I got up though and staggered to the bathroom. Resenting every step. This is suffering. I am suffering. Having a body is suffering. Suffering feels like this. 

The inner critic appeared, like a terrible boss, not showing me any kindness, not letting me rest, not letting me enjoy a moment of peace. The inner critic always seems to be stronger when I am tired. Why is that?

Painful feelings. The mind does not like unpleasant sensations and tries to push them away, wants things to be otherwise... this is aversion.

And there is longing, a craving for pleasant feelings. I feel myself craving for intoxicants, for something that can get me out of this mood.

And there is a part of me that is making a story out of these unpleasant feelings, identifying with it all, adding more to it than is actually there, creating extra suffering for itself, taking it all personally. Yesterday I felt great, and today I feel like shit. Things keep switching from pleasure to pain, and it is quite tiring.

All this inner dialogue is just adding more suffering like an archer who gets shot by an arrow, then immediately shoots himself with a second one, adding more pain. 

How can I dissolve this? I move my attention away from the fault-finding mind and away from the longing and from the identifying (the story of self). 

I try to meditate on the breath and completely fail. Okay something else is needed. Perhaps a gradual gathering of the mind onto the breath. I notice my attention is contracted and I am absorbed in the unpleasant feelings. So expand awareness away from the body,  let it be open and expansive, focus on the sense of space. Let the longing, aversion, and selfing be there, but not judge, follow or identify with it. Let it be, give it space, but stay centred on something else.

The sense of space feels gentle and easy to pay attention to, away from the pain in the body. I notice the sounds happening all about me, and notice there is ringing in my ears, but instead of judging it, I just observe the white noise with curiosity. Notice how it keeps changing. How sound is change. How sound needs time. We can preserve an image in a moment, but not sound. Without time, sound doesn't work. What is sound? Sound is change. It is waves of vibrating air molecules hitting the eardrum which then creates a sense impression in the mind.

Air is also change.

I notice the air element, feel its coolness around my head, on my face and neck. It feels soothing. The aches and pains, the unpleasant fatigue is still present, but I am no longer angry with it, or trying to change it, just flowing with it, watching the sensations as they arise and cease in the present moment.

Then the breath appears like an old friend and I feel myself breathe a sigh of relief. 

Woke up with a right shitty mood today. Agitated depression with a large helping of anger, oh and fatigue, yes agitated fatigue, if that contradiction makes any sense.

 The first right effort of preventing negative moods from arising had clearly failed at some point in the night, and my brain had put me back together in a rather haphazard way. So I tried to practise the second right effort of abandoning this unwholesome state of mind. But the fatigue made it challenging to rouse the energy to abandon it, it was like trying to shake off something stuck with superglue.

 To be honest the four right efforts felt like a joke. I felt like a failure for being unable to practise them. Started feeling doubt that the Buddha's teachings really do work. I think I even nearly swore at the Buddha at one point, which was shameful of me. This made the anger and depression worse. 

And I couldn't get much done, no energy or inclination to study or paint, and couldn't get no sleep, no escape, just stuck in this horrible state of mind. Loving-kindness felt impossible to generate. So I tried equanimity, but maintaining that state of mind wasn't easy, especially as I felt so foggy-headed and physically beat. I felt like giving up. But I can't really, there's nothing to go back to in the world. I have seen through it, and I have no desire to be a worldling again. Once one has seen impermanence and how everything changes and that the self is insubstantial. One just feels dispassion for it all, for material things, for the self. Nothing lasts, everything fades away, we all die, we're all fated to become separated from everything we love and those we hold dear. Our material achievements are meaningless in the end.

I am watching the mind though, and what it does, looking for a chink in its armour and a way I can abandon this negative state of mind and bring a more positive one into being. Mindfulness is considered a wholesome state of mind, but the lack of energy makes it challenging to sustain. Monks apparently are deliberately sleep deprived to learn how to manage fatigue and not suffer. In fact the more I learn about the austerity Buddhist monks practise, the less appealing that lifestyle becomes to me. I don't think I could live like that, I am not into austerity, and very much dislike sleep-deprivation. 

I can't give up though. I have to keep on pushing through this desert of the mind and hope that the Buddha really did know what he was talking about and that there really is a way out of suffering. Many people throughout history have got enlightened, so it must possible. I can't go back now, I have come too far, I have to keep trudging forward. There's still some determination in me I guess, and perseverance is classed as a wholesome state of mind. I willl keep on keeping, even though training this mind feels like walking the wrong way on an escalator sometimes - I've had it with Samsara.

'Row row row your boat gently up the stream,
Merrily merrily merrily life is but a dream.
Row row row your boat gently up the stream,
If you see a crocodile try to stay serene.'