Personal Blogs

At quite an alarming rate.

I nonetheless made time for my morning thoughts!

Good luck to all revising and taking exams!  (this will be a recurring sign off I think!)

Today it's all about a dreaded family lunch...

Wish me luck!  Or strength perhaps would be better!

But, assignment difficulties aside...

Happy Birthday Mr. Keaton.

Here we go with a link to the new blog...

It's a happy one

I think I've broken Sam.  Well, at least guided her around the bars that caused the breakage.  She's mending on the sofa for the time being, so I figure now is a good time to check in.

I never did remember what I wanted to write about yesterday.

Last night we had an in-depth chat about the merits of the single life versus the settled life, over cocktails, crabbies and wine.  There are pros and cons to both, but neither of us are entirely sure which is the more desirable.  We both met our partners at around the same time, and following on from a colourful youth, miraculously both settled down within months of each other.  Six years on, she has found herself single again.  It is perfect timing for the ultimate discussion of what we really want.  And we don't know!  I find myself a little put out by her new-found freedom.  I am taken back to a time when all I had to worry about was paying my rent and finding the cheapest pint.  My concerns did not lie with heating, hot water, or even electricity.  I was consumed with a hunger for life, albeit a tad debauched.  And so was she.  We had the most amazing few years exploring this world together, constantly spinning out of control, lunging from one delightful disaster to another.  A few months ago, I came across my Exmouth jumper.  This is the jumper that was flung on when my buzzer went in the middle of the night, when disaster had struck, and the only place to be was the sea.  I'd stumble out the door, into her car, and we would sit overlooking the sea, chain smoking, while she ranted until her head calmed down.  We look back so fondly on that time, but the reality was that those were moments of emotional turbulence, that although now appear to be meaningless, even amusing events, were not so at the time.  The bond though, between two single girls with a self-created moral code, was, and remains, indestructibly strong.

Despite being able to look back and realise it wasn't all good - it was ice cold showers, going to bed in a hat and scarf, waking up from parties to find my flat repainted with wall doodles and various people scattered about the floor, broken hearts, bruises and tears.  But still it just seems so attractive.  I'm being seduced by my own youth.  I sit here, in a house with all the utilities I could ever need, in a relationship that still brings me pleasure and laughter, my cats, and yet there's a part of me that says I could give it all up for a few weeks of my old life.  Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't, and I realise it's probably not the most brilliant thing to openly admit to.  But I cannot be alone.  Other people's lives cause me to sit back and evaluate my own.  Sam and I have always coincidentally followed the same paths.  Settled.  Single.  Settled.  Single.  This situation is new.  I might have to force her back into a relationship so she can stop unwittingly tormenting me with her fun-filled roller-coaster of a single life.

Yesterday clearly demonstrated how much is going on, completely unattended to, in my subconscious.  Despite my spirited start to the day, I found it difficult to settle down to study.  My Uncle called in the morning and negotiated a number of dates for meeting up.  This information then needed to be relayed to third parties.  I did this, but unfortunately only in the mediums of answerphone messages and texts.  I received no response for hours.  Having the meetings still hanging in the air, and knowing I still had to relay confirmation back to my Uncle left me struggling to focus.  I was aware that the return phone call might have been laden with emotional baggage.  As it turns out, it wasn't particularly, but the undertones were nonetheless hard to miss.  Just after 5pm, I decided I would start writing my revision cards.  This is my latest strategy to pretend that I have an effective revision plan.  I don't.  I should be writing the assignment first for a start.  I wrote one card, and the phone rang.  One card!  Dates confirmed, meeting place changed (but changed for the better aside from a hefty increase in travel expenses for me compared to the original plan).  I knew I now had to phone my Uncle back, and my head was back in the family nonsense zone.  As soon as I hung up I burst into tears!  One of those instantaneous moments over which you have no control.  Determined not to waste the rest of the day, I quickly pulled myself together, phoned my Uncle, re-confirmed, and phoned back third parties to confirm the re-confirmation.  Sorted.  I continued on with my revision cards, but the happiness factor now eluded me.

I closed my books and tried to work out where it had gone.  Nothing bad had happened, and everyone had been nice.  In fact, both my Uncle and the third parties thanked me several times for taking responsibility for the arrangements, and even acknowledged that it must be extremely difficult for me.  It is.  They even apologised for the poor timing with me having to take out so much time just before my exams.  I concluded that I was actually more annoyed by their kindness.  It's one of those - don't say sorry, just don't do it! - feelings.  It seems like an advanced apology for hurting me.

Determined not to let this turn of events ruin my good mood, I went and did my next lot of strength training, and I admit to imagining stamping on heads during my lunges.  I then talked it over a little with my cat, cooked a massive batch of vitamin rich veg, opened a bottle of wine (yes, I know), closed my books, set up my facebook chat and watched a children's film.  My friends cheered me up in no time.  I made no mention of the negative aspects of my day, just joined straight in with their idiotic humour which I am no stranger to myself.  I may have instigated it; who knows.  Who cares.  I re-happied myself.

And then, just before I went to bed I received an e-mail from another family member.  In their previous e-mail they had done two things.  Firstly they had demonstrated an interest in acupuncture, and secondly an interest in my fear of it.  I sent two responses.  The first was an explanation as to my fear, which followed a very emotional treatment during a period of intense family turbulence.  The second was an extract from a book on Chinese medicine.  They only replied to the second.  Once again I was just the person in the middle, with everyone else getting exactly what they needed from me.  I've forwarded the e-mail to Al, so that he may now impart his wisdom on the matter.  I understand why they didn't reply to my first e-mail.  They have already explained that they do not respond to negativity, and in my explanation I had made reference to the fact that I had been going through a very difficult time all those years ago.  However, it was not possible to answer their question without explaining the situation.  The story could not be alleviated of past pain or it would not have made sense.  It seems no one is yet really ready to relieve me of any of my burdens, despite their words to the contrary.  All that has changed is that they are now ready to commend me for my strength.  I think I should make this my final year of holding up this false world.  I'll do it so that everyone has their opportunity to make and maintain contact, but somehow, I have to get away from being the pivotal point for all to bounce off.  My family is vast.  How I ever came to being the centre of it is beyond comprehension.  The centre of it, exhausting myself to ensure everyone's needs are met, and yet mine remain almost completely ignored.  Anyhoo, that e-mail just made me realise that I had built up false hopes for a new and improved support network.  I'm still more than happy to have all these extra people in my life, but there remains only one person who I can depend on, and that's me. 

So then to glean the positives!  I have developed a bond with my Uncle over the past years that is so strange and unspoken, but so great.  It isn't him stopping the direct contact, and he hates having to go through me in this way.  He never asks me to relay anything.  He never asks for meetings.  He is always at the receiving end of a third party request.  Much like me, he is forced into these uncomfortable positions.  He asks the right questions, cares about the right things, and understands fully.  I suppose he is somebody that I love.  Somebody else who I love, my dear friend Sam (who I can call by name now that she has openly accessed my blog!) is coming to stay this weekend.  She's out in the day at a University study weekend.  That should give me added incentive to do my work - which it already has.  I awoke this morning and got straight into studying.  And then the evenings we can have a good catch up.  I have had a 75% success rate with not drinking for the wrong reasons.  This is up from 0% for the past month.  I have started studying properly.  I haven't done anything stupid, have kept my cool, and once again, have made myself happy.  I am ready and waiting for the next blow!!

Never have I been to the doctor and been greeted by the phrase 'I'm a real doctor, now what seems to be the problem?'  Never have I been in an ambulance and whilst strapped to the bench been told 'I'm a real paramedic.'  Never have I been to see my solicitor, for him to casually throw into the conversation 'I am a real solicitor.'  So what's the deal with these injury lawyers?  It makes me question whether they really are real lawyers.  I hate adverts.

Today has already been productive outside of my study needs.  I've started my new strength training regime to try to take me away a little from excessive cardio.  I feel under such extreme family stress at the moment, and the need to cast out the negativity is at the forefront of my mind.  I have run far too far recently, and I know that it won't be long before I find myself injured, or worse, in a state of arthritic immobility.  The benefits of the strength training were equal in anxiety relief, but far shorter-lasting.  Already I am ready to go again.  I've had a good chat this morning about the effects of seasonal changes, and some reading on the Chinese perspective has given me much to think about. 

I have discovered a new green tea that outshines all others.  Green tea with echinacea.  It's really lovely.  Much as I do like my green tea, I cannot deny that there is an aspect of drinking it for health purposes rather than for pure pleasure.  When I had Chinese friends it was entirely for pleasure, but then as always there is no comparison between the real thing and the stuff I get in the local shop.  I could go to an importer of the real stuff, quite easily in fact, but for whatever reason I am slightly intimidated by walking into shops of that nature, despite them now being the majority in the lower end of our town.  Since acknowledging that I have been using alcohol as a coping mechanism, both to get myself to sleep, and to drown out my constant worries, I decided to try to temper it a little.  As a result, my anxiety levels have flown through the roof, even though this is only day three, and I am trying to counteract them with exercise and enjoyable non-alcoholic beverages.  I'm also having the most bizarre dreams, many of which continue for the first five or ten minutes of being awake.  I had this same experience when I gave up smoking, now when I take a sleeping tablet and also when I gave up pepsi max.  I find myself leaping out of bed to escape the unpleasantness that the dreams present in varying forms.  It is a horrible way to be repetitively woken up on a near hourly basis.  I am very prone to hallucinations; it happens without having to engage in substance abuse.  As a child I had to continually meander my way through a world that was half real and half imagined.  So add to that even the lightest touch of addiction and I am in instant trouble.  I imagine this will continue for some time.  I am lucky in that at the age of sixteen I witnessed an alcoholic detox of a dear friend and it was an incredible experience.  I had moments of love, of terror, of horror, of revulsion, of anger, of frustration.  It was a relationship I should never have found myself in, but despite my family still not accepting it, I learnt everything I needed to know to navigate my way through the next ten years of my life without getting sucked into anything too damaging.  I relish each and every one of my life experiences.  I think of all the situations I pulled myself out of just in time, because of that association.  And this is one of those.  I know how slippery this slope can be.  Drinking should be social, for pleasure.  Not for coping.

So now I have to find other things to occupy myself, just until my head has let go of that raging need to have a drink.  The next one I have must be for pleasure, not because I have just had a stressful phone call.  My doctor commends me for my self-awareness, and I revel in his praise. 

Tomorrow is the last week of raspberries for me.  Shame.

The thought of the exam is causing me significantly less stress than the thought of acting as mediator between family for the next few months.  In fact, the exam is something I am almost holding accountable for my current stress, as for whatever reason, family issues always, always raise their ugly heads right before I have exams.  Always.  They try to reign it in, unsuccessfully, which means that in the back of my mind... no... the forefront of my mind, I am aware that as soon as my exams are over, those reigns will be released, and the emotional flood-gates that the little bits of crap have been seeping through, will burst open, and all the baggage that no-one else seems able to carry, will arrive at my door in one overwhelming cataclysm.  It's almost worse knowing it's coming!  I can actually laugh with friends now about how predictable the behaviours of these people are.  We even plan debrief days in advance.  Despite knowing that this mentally exhausting period is fast approaching, I can't help but feel a sense of satisfaction, and pleasure, at the deep rooted support system I have around me.  I can say without trepidation that I know who my friends are.  And that is what makes life wonderful, in spite of all the idiots!