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Today is a better day

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Thugginess has lifted

Revision has begun.

smile Ye old Rosie has returned smile

Permalink 2 comments (latest comment by Joyce Rae, Thursday, 13 Oct 2011, 23:33)
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Musing

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And rambling, again.
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7 days

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Or one week.  Not long enough, that's for sure.  So far, today has been a non-starter.
Permalink 4 comments (latest comment by ROSIE Rushton-Stone, Wednesday, 12 Oct 2011, 19:58)
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The countdown continues

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At quite an alarming rate.

I nonetheless made time for my morning thoughts!

Good luck to all revising and taking exams!  (this will be a recurring sign off I think!)

Permalink 4 comments (latest comment by ROSIE Rushton-Stone, Wednesday, 12 Oct 2011, 11:18)
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The countdown begins.

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Revision, day 1 of 9!  (Now there's the reality kick I'd been missing... I hope so anyway).

Good luck to anyone else with exams coming up.

Permalink 5 comments (latest comment by ROSIE Rushton-Stone, Monday, 10 Oct 2011, 22:10)
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Just a little chat

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about my day.
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Excuses

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What are yours?
Permalink 2 comments (latest comment by ROSIE Rushton-Stone, Sunday, 9 Oct 2011, 00:32)
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I don't know

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what's going on
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Having a bad day?

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Me too.
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Good morning!

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Today it's all about a dreaded family lunch...

Wish me luck!  Or strength perhaps would be better!

Permalink 5 comments (latest comment by ROSIE Rushton-Stone, Tuesday, 11 Oct 2011, 08:35)
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Final assignment

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Sent
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It's all going...

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...horribly wrong!
Permalink 2 comments (latest comment by ROSIE Rushton-Stone, Wednesday, 5 Oct 2011, 14:41)
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It's half four

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And I'm still writing the damn assignment!  This serves me absolutely right for my laziness!  But even though I know it serves me right, I'm still feeling really sorry for myself!
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I'm blaming the coat

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But, assignment difficulties aside...

Happy Birthday Mr. Keaton.

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I've started!!

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And now I'm allowed to post!
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Deadline

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And here I am making stew.
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Monday morning

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And the panic is rising...
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So...

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Here we go with a link to the new blog...

It's a happy one

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Exciting!

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Right, after reading a fellow student's blog entry I have been inspired to try out a new blogspace.  Please come by and say hello!

Let me know if it's working!  With only two full days remaining to read a text book in its entirety and write my assignment, this is possibly the worst use of my time, but I'm excited about it, so what can be wrong with that?!

So, as I had planned to do after my first month or so of blogging, I would like to link this blog to the new blog.  So I will have two! big grin

Permalink 8 comments (latest comment by ROSIE Rushton-Stone, Sunday, 2 Oct 2011, 16:08)
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Settled versus single

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I think I've broken Sam.  Well, at least guided her around the bars that caused the breakage.  She's mending on the sofa for the time being, so I figure now is a good time to check in.

I never did remember what I wanted to write about yesterday.

Last night we had an in-depth chat about the merits of the single life versus the settled life, over cocktails, crabbies and wine.  There are pros and cons to both, but neither of us are entirely sure which is the more desirable.  We both met our partners at around the same time, and following on from a colourful youth, miraculously both settled down within months of each other.  Six years on, she has found herself single again.  It is perfect timing for the ultimate discussion of what we really want.  And we don't know!  I find myself a little put out by her new-found freedom.  I am taken back to a time when all I had to worry about was paying my rent and finding the cheapest pint.  My concerns did not lie with heating, hot water, or even electricity.  I was consumed with a hunger for life, albeit a tad debauched.  And so was she.  We had the most amazing few years exploring this world together, constantly spinning out of control, lunging from one delightful disaster to another.  A few months ago, I came across my Exmouth jumper.  This is the jumper that was flung on when my buzzer went in the middle of the night, when disaster had struck, and the only place to be was the sea.  I'd stumble out the door, into her car, and we would sit overlooking the sea, chain smoking, while she ranted until her head calmed down.  We look back so fondly on that time, but the reality was that those were moments of emotional turbulence, that although now appear to be meaningless, even amusing events, were not so at the time.  The bond though, between two single girls with a self-created moral code, was, and remains, indestructibly strong.

Despite being able to look back and realise it wasn't all good - it was ice cold showers, going to bed in a hat and scarf, waking up from parties to find my flat repainted with wall doodles and various people scattered about the floor, broken hearts, bruises and tears.  But still it just seems so attractive.  I'm being seduced by my own youth.  I sit here, in a house with all the utilities I could ever need, in a relationship that still brings me pleasure and laughter, my cats, and yet there's a part of me that says I could give it all up for a few weeks of my old life.  Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't, and I realise it's probably not the most brilliant thing to openly admit to.  But I cannot be alone.  Other people's lives cause me to sit back and evaluate my own.  Sam and I have always coincidentally followed the same paths.  Settled.  Single.  Settled.  Single.  This situation is new.  I might have to force her back into a relationship so she can stop unwittingly tormenting me with her fun-filled roller-coaster of a single life.

Permalink 2 comments (latest comment by ROSIE Rushton-Stone, Sunday, 2 Oct 2011, 13:05)
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Now where was I?

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Edited by ROSIE Rushton-Stone, Saturday, 1 Oct 2011, 11:48

Yesterday I spent (probably too much of) the afternoon coming up with new words, by replacing the 'at' syllable with a rhyming profanity.  This was instigated by one of the cats behaving like a... fool.  Of my favourites, were alternatives for the sentences: If you joined the circus you'd be an acrobat; if you went into a coffee shop you'd order a frothy latte; if you worked on a building site you'd wear a hard hat, and are you the Mad Hatter? Superb entertainment, and at the time so funny that I'm not sure if my muscle pulls are from an excess of crunches or from the hilarity.  I'd like to think it was the crunches, not to mention the plank of agony, which I repeated thrice.  If my stress levels remain at this level I will sink into some strange parallel world of idiocy and perfect fitness.  A buff fool!  Actually it may not be a parallel world, it might be the one I'm in right now.  Anyway, the reason for remembering this childish state of affairs is that this morning it has become apparent that some of my words are already defined in Roger's profanisaurus.  So they aren't even my words anymore.  That, you could say, makes it somewhat of a wasted afternoon.

Having misplaced my assignment questions, I chose to spend an hour searching for them, rather than just re-printing them.  I've found them, and having read them (this is always an important step), have been hit with an awkward and inaccurate quasi-reality.  The questions don't look difficult.  I don't know the answers - I haven't read the text.  But they don't look difficult.  So my sense of urgency that was already breathlessly trying to catch up to, and ultimately overtake my desire for fun, has stopped, bent over resting its metaphorical hands on its metaphorical thighs, and given up the race completely.  My desire for fun is gleefully skipping to the finish line, knowing that it has won. 

So this evening, when Sam gets back from Uni, we shall head out for our much anticipated evening of cocktails, food and then the local pub.  I was tempted to leave with her this morning and spend the day in Bristol with my books (based on how well this worked in Bath), but the decision not to was made before my brain had engaged, when I got dressed in joggers rather than jeans.  Yes, I could have got changed, but I don't like to mess with the natural order of things.  Especially at half past six on a Saturday morning.  I am considering meeting her in Bristol, but then she'd have all her books.  Employing the "let's look at this from the other person's perspective" thought process, it might be better to go out here.

I'm a little jealous of these study weekends.  She gets them about once a month, and they have lunches and evening meals together and everything.  Obviously I'd be terrified beforehand, but I think I'd enjoy it.  The one residential school I attended was fantastic after the first few hours.  I was lucky to make the acquaintance of three awesome blokes who I spent the entire week with, plus a brilliant tutor who thankfully appreciated my sense of humour.  The rest of the group wasn't of much interest to me, but that doesn't really matter.  Ah well, at least I get company and cocktails tonight.

I had something I really wanted to write about when I came on here, but as ever I have rambled myself forgetful, and now have no idea what it was.  Maybe it will come back to me later.  So until then, I am gone.

Permalink 4 comments (latest comment by ROSIE Rushton-Stone, Sunday, 2 Oct 2011, 11:20)
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Sub-subconscious

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Yesterday clearly demonstrated how much is going on, completely unattended to, in my subconscious.  Despite my spirited start to the day, I found it difficult to settle down to study.  My Uncle called in the morning and negotiated a number of dates for meeting up.  This information then needed to be relayed to third parties.  I did this, but unfortunately only in the mediums of answerphone messages and texts.  I received no response for hours.  Having the meetings still hanging in the air, and knowing I still had to relay confirmation back to my Uncle left me struggling to focus.  I was aware that the return phone call might have been laden with emotional baggage.  As it turns out, it wasn't particularly, but the undertones were nonetheless hard to miss.  Just after 5pm, I decided I would start writing my revision cards.  This is my latest strategy to pretend that I have an effective revision plan.  I don't.  I should be writing the assignment first for a start.  I wrote one card, and the phone rang.  One card!  Dates confirmed, meeting place changed (but changed for the better aside from a hefty increase in travel expenses for me compared to the original plan).  I knew I now had to phone my Uncle back, and my head was back in the family nonsense zone.  As soon as I hung up I burst into tears!  One of those instantaneous moments over which you have no control.  Determined not to waste the rest of the day, I quickly pulled myself together, phoned my Uncle, re-confirmed, and phoned back third parties to confirm the re-confirmation.  Sorted.  I continued on with my revision cards, but the happiness factor now eluded me.

I closed my books and tried to work out where it had gone.  Nothing bad had happened, and everyone had been nice.  In fact, both my Uncle and the third parties thanked me several times for taking responsibility for the arrangements, and even acknowledged that it must be extremely difficult for me.  It is.  They even apologised for the poor timing with me having to take out so much time just before my exams.  I concluded that I was actually more annoyed by their kindness.  It's one of those - don't say sorry, just don't do it! - feelings.  It seems like an advanced apology for hurting me.

Determined not to let this turn of events ruin my good mood, I went and did my next lot of strength training, and I admit to imagining stamping on heads during my lunges.  I then talked it over a little with my cat, cooked a massive batch of vitamin rich veg, opened a bottle of wine (yes, I know), closed my books, set up my facebook chat and watched a children's film.  My friends cheered me up in no time.  I made no mention of the negative aspects of my day, just joined straight in with their idiotic humour which I am no stranger to myself.  I may have instigated it; who knows.  Who cares.  I re-happied myself.

And then, just before I went to bed I received an e-mail from another family member.  In their previous e-mail they had done two things.  Firstly they had demonstrated an interest in acupuncture, and secondly an interest in my fear of it.  I sent two responses.  The first was an explanation as to my fear, which followed a very emotional treatment during a period of intense family turbulence.  The second was an extract from a book on Chinese medicine.  They only replied to the second.  Once again I was just the person in the middle, with everyone else getting exactly what they needed from me.  I've forwarded the e-mail to Al, so that he may now impart his wisdom on the matter.  I understand why they didn't reply to my first e-mail.  They have already explained that they do not respond to negativity, and in my explanation I had made reference to the fact that I had been going through a very difficult time all those years ago.  However, it was not possible to answer their question without explaining the situation.  The story could not be alleviated of past pain or it would not have made sense.  It seems no one is yet really ready to relieve me of any of my burdens, despite their words to the contrary.  All that has changed is that they are now ready to commend me for my strength.  I think I should make this my final year of holding up this false world.  I'll do it so that everyone has their opportunity to make and maintain contact, but somehow, I have to get away from being the pivotal point for all to bounce off.  My family is vast.  How I ever came to being the centre of it is beyond comprehension.  The centre of it, exhausting myself to ensure everyone's needs are met, and yet mine remain almost completely ignored.  Anyhoo, that e-mail just made me realise that I had built up false hopes for a new and improved support network.  I'm still more than happy to have all these extra people in my life, but there remains only one person who I can depend on, and that's me. 

So then to glean the positives!  I have developed a bond with my Uncle over the past years that is so strange and unspoken, but so great.  It isn't him stopping the direct contact, and he hates having to go through me in this way.  He never asks me to relay anything.  He never asks for meetings.  He is always at the receiving end of a third party request.  Much like me, he is forced into these uncomfortable positions.  He asks the right questions, cares about the right things, and understands fully.  I suppose he is somebody that I love.  Somebody else who I love, my dear friend Sam (who I can call by name now that she has openly accessed my blog!) is coming to stay this weekend.  She's out in the day at a University study weekend.  That should give me added incentive to do my work - which it already has.  I awoke this morning and got straight into studying.  And then the evenings we can have a good catch up.  I have had a 75% success rate with not drinking for the wrong reasons.  This is up from 0% for the past month.  I have started studying properly.  I haven't done anything stupid, have kept my cool, and once again, have made myself happy.  I am ready and waiting for the next blow!!

Permalink 2 comments (latest comment by Joyce Rae, Friday, 30 Sep 2011, 22:29)
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Frosty mornings...

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Edited by ROSIE Rushton-Stone, Thursday, 29 Sep 2011, 10:31

This morning I awoke around 4am in a very bright and breezy mood.  Checking my bank account I discovered that I have finally been refunded for a dress I bought online which had turned out to be just too far out of my comfort zone.  I've been waiting for ages to exchange it for hats and scarves, which are far more to my liking.  I cannot wait for the cold weather and the dark nights!  I am at my happiest wrapped up in layers of wool; hats and scarves and gloves, outside in the cold, star gazing.  I'll be up the local hills at every given opportunity. 

I know everyone is revelling in this heat wave we are having, and that's fine.  I am heat intolerant, so it does not hold the same joy for me, though I cannot dispute that sunlight heightens my mood.  It's just that Winter morning sunlight does a better job of it than that of Autumn afternoons.  But this morning I knew the cold was coming.  I felt it as I awoke, and it was with great excitement that I thought of a return to long sleeves and massive jumpers.  I can't wait!  I have happy SAD!

Yesterday afternoon I went for a 10 mile run and felt a lot better, as always.  I wanted to go further but was conscious of a pain starting in my left foot, and this has always been a signal that I am self-instigating a recurrence of arthritis.  And that's a stupid thing to do.  So I stopped.  Which is good - much as I acknowledge carrying on regardless is a stupid thing to do, it's something I have done time and time again.  This morning I can actually feel the after effects of the strength training from yesterday which is nice.  My arm and shoulder muscles feel satisfyingly pulled. 

Have a good day everyone!

Permalink 3 comments (latest comment by ROSIE Rushton-Stone, Friday, 30 Sep 2011, 11:55)
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Stupid adverts, stupid family, wonderful life.

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Never have I been to the doctor and been greeted by the phrase 'I'm a real doctor, now what seems to be the problem?'  Never have I been in an ambulance and whilst strapped to the bench been told 'I'm a real paramedic.'  Never have I been to see my solicitor, for him to casually throw into the conversation 'I am a real solicitor.'  So what's the deal with these injury lawyers?  It makes me question whether they really are real lawyers.  I hate adverts.

Today has already been productive outside of my study needs.  I've started my new strength training regime to try to take me away a little from excessive cardio.  I feel under such extreme family stress at the moment, and the need to cast out the negativity is at the forefront of my mind.  I have run far too far recently, and I know that it won't be long before I find myself injured, or worse, in a state of arthritic immobility.  The benefits of the strength training were equal in anxiety relief, but far shorter-lasting.  Already I am ready to go again.  I've had a good chat this morning about the effects of seasonal changes, and some reading on the Chinese perspective has given me much to think about. 

I have discovered a new green tea that outshines all others.  Green tea with echinacea.  It's really lovely.  Much as I do like my green tea, I cannot deny that there is an aspect of drinking it for health purposes rather than for pure pleasure.  When I had Chinese friends it was entirely for pleasure, but then as always there is no comparison between the real thing and the stuff I get in the local shop.  I could go to an importer of the real stuff, quite easily in fact, but for whatever reason I am slightly intimidated by walking into shops of that nature, despite them now being the majority in the lower end of our town.  Since acknowledging that I have been using alcohol as a coping mechanism, both to get myself to sleep, and to drown out my constant worries, I decided to try to temper it a little.  As a result, my anxiety levels have flown through the roof, even though this is only day three, and I am trying to counteract them with exercise and enjoyable non-alcoholic beverages.  I'm also having the most bizarre dreams, many of which continue for the first five or ten minutes of being awake.  I had this same experience when I gave up smoking, now when I take a sleeping tablet and also when I gave up pepsi max.  I find myself leaping out of bed to escape the unpleasantness that the dreams present in varying forms.  It is a horrible way to be repetitively woken up on a near hourly basis.  I am very prone to hallucinations; it happens without having to engage in substance abuse.  As a child I had to continually meander my way through a world that was half real and half imagined.  So add to that even the lightest touch of addiction and I am in instant trouble.  I imagine this will continue for some time.  I am lucky in that at the age of sixteen I witnessed an alcoholic detox of a dear friend and it was an incredible experience.  I had moments of love, of terror, of horror, of revulsion, of anger, of frustration.  It was a relationship I should never have found myself in, but despite my family still not accepting it, I learnt everything I needed to know to navigate my way through the next ten years of my life without getting sucked into anything too damaging.  I relish each and every one of my life experiences.  I think of all the situations I pulled myself out of just in time, because of that association.  And this is one of those.  I know how slippery this slope can be.  Drinking should be social, for pleasure.  Not for coping.

So now I have to find other things to occupy myself, just until my head has let go of that raging need to have a drink.  The next one I have must be for pleasure, not because I have just had a stressful phone call.  My doctor commends me for my self-awareness, and I revel in his praise. 

Tomorrow is the last week of raspberries for me.  Shame.

The thought of the exam is causing me significantly less stress than the thought of acting as mediator between family for the next few months.  In fact, the exam is something I am almost holding accountable for my current stress, as for whatever reason, family issues always, always raise their ugly heads right before I have exams.  Always.  They try to reign it in, unsuccessfully, which means that in the back of my mind... no... the forefront of my mind, I am aware that as soon as my exams are over, those reigns will be released, and the emotional flood-gates that the little bits of crap have been seeping through, will burst open, and all the baggage that no-one else seems able to carry, will arrive at my door in one overwhelming cataclysm.  It's almost worse knowing it's coming!  I can actually laugh with friends now about how predictable the behaviours of these people are.  We even plan debrief days in advance.  Despite knowing that this mentally exhausting period is fast approaching, I can't help but feel a sense of satisfaction, and pleasure, at the deep rooted support system I have around me.  I can say without trepidation that I know who my friends are.  And that is what makes life wonderful, in spite of all the idiots!

Permalink 5 comments (latest comment by ROSIE Rushton-Stone, Thursday, 29 Sep 2011, 14:29)
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27th

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I always have a funny five minutes on 27th, as it was payday for the most recent six years of my employed life.  Nearly a year and a half on and it still has an impact.  I'm not sure if it's a good feeling or a rubbish one.  I suppose it depends whether I've managed a self-employed payday in advance of it or not!

Anyway, yesterday I achieved very little, as my Uncle has arrived from Australia for a short visit, and the tedious organisations have begun.  Passing messages back and forth, navigating my way through the dangers that lurk behind every sentence of family feuds.  It is poor timing with my current workload, and I cannot just do one visit and include everyone; there have to several carefully planned ones.  There will be much running in my life over the coming weeks!

I've spent the morning discussing connections between temporal lobe function and the entry point of the gall bladder meridian.  As such, I am now struggling to get my head back into Western science.  It keeps reverting back and making comparisons, that though insightful and fascinating, are not going to do me any favours in this next assignment, nor in my exams.  I have about a week until the assignment is due, and here I am studying completely the wrong topics. 

The light in the balloon I was given is STILL on!  I can't believe it. 

A new Asda store opened here yesterday.  I find that it has become a beacon to me for everything that is wrong with this town, and this planet.  I've taken out more of my angst on it than is probably reasonable.  You would think from my ranting, that I genuinely believed that Asda was accountable for the demise of the town and all that was good about it.  Of course that isn't true.  I just don't like it being here, even though I haven't yet laid eyes on the monstrosity.  Funny how something that has had no impact on me whatsoever to date, can serve to irritate me so consistently.  There again, I get annoyed by people who wear their socks twisted around their foot and say it's comfortable, so maybe it doesn't mean anything really.

Permalink 3 comments (latest comment by ROSIE Rushton-Stone, Tuesday, 27 Sep 2011, 18:20)
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