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Richard Walker

One Liner

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My girlfriend stood me up. Mind you, I'd fallen over first.

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Richard Walker

WELL

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Down the pub with some crockery experts. WELL we got smashed!

Down the pub with some builders. WELL we got plastered!

Down the pub with some blacksmiths. WELL we got hammered!

You get the idea.

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Richard Walker

Thumbnail Scrapers

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Edited by Richard Walker, Friday, 4 Mar 2016, 23:22

I found these small flints on country walks and I think they have been worked into 'thumbnail scrapers'. The name is from their size; to give you an idea, the red arrow is 1 centimetre. I don't think any one really knows what they were used for, but they are very interesting objects.

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Richard Walker

Alla Barnen In Society

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Edited by Richard Walker, Thursday, 3 Mar 2016, 23:06

Everyone at the reception was sipping sherry. Except Oona.
She was knocking it back by the schooner.

Everyone at the wedding was sipping champagne. Except Dale.
He was drinking it out of the pail.

Everyone at the salon was delicately sipping pink gin. Except Rose.
She was snorting it up her nose.

Everyone at the tasting was sipping Sauternes. Except Wayne.
He was puking in the lane.

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Richard Walker

One Liner

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Edited by Richard Walker, Saturday, 5 Mar 2016, 00:07

A friend told me about her whirlwind romance. It had a bad ending, because he turned out to be a twister.

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Richard Walker

One Liner

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Edited by Richard Walker, Tuesday, 1 Mar 2016, 22:43

In my day all schools had a whistle blowing policy, although it applied mainly on the playing field.

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Richard Walker

Alla Barnen*

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All the kids were learning financial literacy, except Honey.
She was busy laundering money.

All the kids were leaning citizenship, except Piers
He had his fingers in his ears.

All the kids were learning core values, except Mabel
She was doing something peculiar under the table.



* I've not posted any of these for a while. 'Alla barnen = 'All the kids' is a children's humorous verse form, from Denmark and Sweden. Like 'Scandinavian noir' detective writing it can be a bit dark. But still funny.





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Richard Walker

One Liner

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Apparently some drivers without GPS use a compass instead. Don't try it, if you're caught using a compass behind the wheel that's four points on your licence.

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Richard Walker

Aphorism

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Edited by Richard Walker, Sunday, 28 Feb 2016, 01:19

Many animals think about solving problems, but only humans think about problem solving.

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Richard Walker

One Liner

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I complained about the microphones, but nobody listened.
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Richard Walker

One Liner

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The number of times I've heard people say history repeats itself.

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Richard Walker

Newmansdale Man

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Edited by Richard Walker, Thursday, 25 Feb 2016, 23:13

The Neanderthals fascinate us; they were close enough to interbreed, but we know so little of them. Could they talk, for example? No-one can say.

The name is from the Neanderthal, a German valley (thaltal in modern German, the same word as English dale or dell). I always imagined it was named for a river: 'the valley of the Neander'.

But not so; the valley is called after a local 17c pastor. His family name was Neumann, but being a scholar he translated it into Greek, Neander.

So in a wry twist, the valley where the bones of our old relatives were first found is literally 'New man's dale'.

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Richard Walker

One Liner

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A prince can always raise some readies from the crown jewels. But what can frogs pawn?

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Richard Walker

Uplifting Proverb

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I'm reading The Unfolding of Language by Guy Deutscher and he quotes this German proverb

"Keeping order is a crutch for those who are too lazy to search for things …" ("Wer Ordnung hält ist nur zu faul zu suchen").

I couldn't help feeling a lot better about my desktop when I read this (similar to the feeling I get when I see a photograph of Francis Bacon's studio).




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Richard Walker

You Had A White Dress On

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You had a white dress on

When we met for a second,

Forty years ago.

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Richard Walker

One Liner

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Relationship guidance. Stick to Sudoku. That way you'll have fewer cross words.

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Richard Walker

Out-Pizzazzing Pizzazz

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If you had asked me just a couple of days back what word in English has the most zs in it, then  I would have instantly replied 'pizzazz'. It's the obvious answer (and has a lot of pizzazz).

But I have learned better. The correct answer is 'zenzizenzizenzic', referring to numbers which are "squares of squares squared".

So (if I have it right) 3 squared is 3 x 3 = 9; square that is 81; square 81 and we get 6561. There you go. 6561 is a zenzizenzizenzic number.

The word erupted briefly in the 16c, like a sort of linguistic supernova, but sadly soon faded in favor of 8, more compact but less zedful.

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Richard Walker

A Proverb for Savaged Birders

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Edited by Richard Walker, Sunday, 21 Feb 2016, 02:20

Swans bittern twite shrike

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Richard Walker

Homage to Ogden Nash

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Edited by Richard Walker, Sunday, 21 Feb 2016, 01:53

One thing in Spring I wisheses,

Can someone tell me why,

There's some folks sez Narcissuses,

But others, Narcissi?


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Richard Walker

Nursery Rhyme

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Doctor Blunder went down under
On a tourist plane;
He died in combat,
With a hairy-nosed wombat,
And never returned home again.

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Richard Walker

No Joke

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This is not a Monday grin.

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Richard Walker

Non-blank Verse

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Edited by Richard Walker, Thursday, 18 Feb 2016, 01:10
Blank verse is simply verse that doesn't rhyme.
I've never understood why, but some people seem to consider it a species of crime.
In his plays William Shakespeare positively throve upon it.
Although I admit things were different when he came to write a sonnet.
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Richard Walker

Mondegreen

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Edited by Richard Walker, Wednesday, 17 Feb 2016, 19:47

Here's another mondegreen, one I'd forgotten about. It's absolutely genuine, not made up, and was told me by a friend.

Spoken: "A Graham Greene novel".

Heard: "A gray and green nozzle."


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Richard Walker

The Author of 'Zorba'

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Edited by Richard Walker, Tuesday, 16 Feb 2016, 22:40

Nikos Katzantzakis was a controversial Cretan writer, most famous for the book and film "Zorba the Greek'. His epitaph is famous.


It's often translated in a literal way, but how the capture the spirit? Here's my attempt.

No desires or fears.
Free now.

Photo: https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Kazantzakis_Grab.jpg


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Richard Walker

Clerihew

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Graham Greene was a great novelist in many people's eyes.
Although he didn't win the Nobel Prize.
He never had writer's block.
Enabling him to write twenty-five novels, including Brighton Rock.
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