Personal Blogs

There's a small and friendly restaurant in Head Street, Colchester which has recently started advertising "Gut Buster" meals. Intrigued, I did a modicum of research before going in and inviting the proprietor Trev to do an impromptu interview on my blog.

Me: Thanks for coming along Trev.

Trev: My pleasure William. I see it as advertising. All publicity is good publicity. Does your blog attract many visitors?

Me: There's a steady trickle. How's business?

Trev: We're doing good. Full for breakfast, full for dinner.

Me: Dinner being lunch?

Trev: Whatever.

Me: Do you attribute this to your Gut Buster menu?

Trev: Definitely.

Me: What's your Gut Buster breakfast?

Trev: Fried bread, fried eggs, bacon, sausages, beans, hash browns and black pudding. All for £3.50.

Me: And what do you fry your food with?

Trev: Lard. No fancy oils or nothing. Proper English lard like my mother used to use. Everything fried except the beans.

Me: We've done an analysis of your average breakfast. It contains 62 grams of saturated fat, 1650 kilocalories and 11 grams of salt.

Trev: Makes your mouth water, don't it?

Me: Irresistible. But is it good for your health?

Trev: My mother lived to 92, and she smoked.

Me: And your father?

Trev: He left home when I was a nipper. Never saw him again.

Me: The government recommends no more than 25 grams of saturated fat a day, and 6 grams of salt.

Trev: They don't know nothing.

Me: Do you every worry about the obesity epidemic?

Trev: Nah. A bit of what you fancy does you good.

Me: Are you contemplating healthy options - like salad and chicken breast?

Trev: Nah. No one wants that kind of muck. They want the Gut Buster for £3.50.

Me: Do you eat Gut Busters yourself?

Trev: Every day.

Me: Wouldn't you say your Body Mass Index is slightly higher than it should be?

Trev: Yeah. I'm well nourished. Women love it.

Me: Of course they do.  Well, that's it for today. Many thanks.

Trev: You're welcome William. Come round for a full Gut Buster for £3.50 any time. Best value in town.

Me: See you. Trev.

Trev: Yes, £3.50. No one knows how I do it. Debenhams hates me. Gut Buster, easy to remember.

Me: Let me help you through the door Trev. It's a bit narrow I'm afraid. If you breathe in and turn slightly sideways...

Me: Good morning Mon Empereur.

Napoleon: Bon jour, Guillaume.

Me: Many thanks for joining me on my blog. It's nearly as lonely a place as Chapelle Saint-Jérôme I'd guess.

Napoleon: Main non. I have more than a million visitors every year.

Me: But they don't all get inside the sarcophagus.

Napoleon: C'est vrai. That would be an invasion of my personal space.

Me: Why are you known by your first name when other important people are known by their second name? Like Wellington for example if I may mention him.

Napoleon: Wellington is neither the first nor second name of Arthur Wesley.

Me: I think you mean Wellesley.

Napoleon: Non. He was born Wesley. Perhaps he change it later.

Me: I'll check it out. Thanks. How does it feel to be the greatest Frenchman who ever lived apart from William the Conqueror.

Napoleon: Actually I'm a Corsican of Italian descent whilst William the Bastard was a Viking.

Me: Mais naturellement.

Napoleon: How much research do you do before conducting your interviews?

Me: Un petit peu.

Napoleon: Pas assez.

Me: Would it be true to say you are the founder of the European Community?

Napoleon: Yes.

Me: Was that your vision all along?

Napoleon: Mais naturellement.

Me: Didn't you go about it the wrong way? I mean the Napoleonic wars cost over a million lives?

Napoleon: It is how you say breaking omelettes to make eggs?

Me: Something similar. Any comments on your defeat at  Waterloo?

Napoleon: It was a disaster for Europe.

Me: Don't you mean for you personally and France?

Napoleon: No. Had I won at Waterloo, there would have been no First World War and no Second World War.

Me: Are you sure?

Napoleon: Absolument.

Me: One final question, do you have any regrets?

Napoleon: Moi? Je ne regrette rien.

Me: Many thanks. I'd better let you get back to Paris.

Napoleon: Merci et au revoir.

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No, I haven't forgotten how to spell less. But I've just seen the video that's gone viral of lesbian couples kissing in the Brighton branch of Sainsbury's. (It's on Facebook.) Apparently the staff at Sainsbury's asked a lesbian couple to stop kissing or leave the store, after a customer complained. The response came, in the best of British traditions, from a supportive crowd of lesbians invading the shop and holding a mass kiss-in in the fruit and vegetable aisles.

https://uk.news.yahoo.com/sainsburys-live-well-lez-gay-rights-activists-over-140608303.html#s7bXnlO

Which party do I support? Sainsbury's and the "disgusted of Brighton" customer or the defiant lesbians defending their right to kiss in public.

I find this really difficult. My head says go with Sainsbury's - after all it's not very nice to see sustained snogging near food. I mean I don't mind young lovers giving each other the occasional peck on the lips when they feel the need to express their affection for each other. In fact I think it's rather cute. But serious prolonged kissing with tongues is something best reserved for somewhere private - or films. After all, the mouth is the most bacterially infested part of the body - much more infectious than the other main orifices.

But, on the other hand, there is always something rather uplifting about rebellious people giving society two fingers. I don't like it when people rampage through London breaking windows and setting fire to things. But when they do something relatively harmless like snogging over the fruit and veg, it's actually quite funny.

I'm going to go with the lesbians I think. Keep it up girls but please don't visit Colchester's ASDA because that's where I do all my shopping. You have my unreserved support but from a distance.

Which all reminds me of the hilarious story of a couple (I believe they were both Sainsbury's employees, allegedly), who made love on a train. The other passengers observed their activities in total silence. But when the couple had finished making love, they lit cigarettes and provoked an uproar. It was a non smoking compartment. (This happened some time ago before all the anti-smoking legislation). Apparently BR had forgotten to put up signs forbidding sexual intercourse. Appalling oversight, but what do you expect from BR?

So, UKIP have done it. Clacton is now in the hands of UKIP. Is this a matter for celebration or should we be very afraid? Is this the beginning of a Nazification process rather like Germany in 1933 - where everyone thought Hitler was a decent chap who was going to cure inflation and unemployment (and quietly encourage certain racial minorities to emigrate or face the consequences)? Or is it Britain's way of saying goodbye Tories, goodbye Labour and go forth and multiply LibDems? (Obviously the wording of the latter injunction might be closer to Essex 2014 patois than the 1611 King James Bible.)

Frankly I have no idea what the long term implications are of a single bye-election result and neither does anyone else, although it might be reasonable to assume that the people of Clacton like their current MP more than they like David Cameron. Would Nigel Farage make a good Prime Minister? Hmmm. He'd certainly be different from anyone Britain's had before. I rather like the idea of our PM standing outside a pub with a fag in one hand and a pint in the other saying the first thing that came into his head. But never mind that, would it be good for the country one asks? Wouldn't the novelty value wear off?

Hard to say. No one knows exactly what UKIP stands for when it comes to matters outside the European Community and immigration. Are they going to put up taxes? Are they going to nationalise the NHS? What about the army, law and order, gay marriage and fox hunting? Will they declare war on Scotland? Will they try to regain Calais that Henry VI so carelessly gave away? Yes I know it was Mary who finally lost it but the rot started with Henry VI. The implications of regaining Calais are colossal when you think that 99.9% of illegal immigrants come from Calais.

Is voting for UKIP going to hand the keys of number 10 to Ed Miliband? David Cameron seems to think so. But he's basing that premise on the assumption that only Tory voters are going to vote UKIP and Labour voters will stay resolutely Labour. Is there any evidence for this assumption? Very little actually, unless we believe that labour voters aren't interested in immigration and Europe. (As an aside, David Cameron can be very grateful that it's Ed not David in charge of Labour. David Miliband could lead Labour to a victory - and maybe he will one year, but not 2015. Did David Cameron bribe the unions? Or do the unions secretly want a second Conservative government?)

The really interesting question is how many seats will UKIP win at the next election. Answers please on a postcard. It could be nought or it could be fifty. Britain doesn't have proportional representation. UKIP could win 10% of the vote and not win a single seat (well they'll probably hold on to Clacton so let's change the nought to a one). And what will happen if UKIP win 50 seats and hold the balance of power? Will they go with Labour or Tory?

The problem is that I don't think Nigel Farage even knows what the UKIP policies are on everything else. If he does, he's (a) kept it to himself or (b) changed his mind so often he's as confused as we are. I suspect he'll go with the party that offers him the job of Home Secretary and lets him speak his mind. He's probably too astute to accept deputy Prime Minister. He's seen what that job did for Nick Clegg.

Fascinating times indeed, and I'm not really into politics. Incidentally I found the photo below on Facebook so I'm sharing it with the 1% of the population who aren't on Facebook as it's quite funny.