Personal Blogs

Anyway, it's in. 

Another one down.  One to go and then a week to breathe again.  This has been a stressful study year so far.

I can't think straight at all.  Bit of a chill, bit of a sleep, bit of a drink. 

>drop-down menu >facebook >reply to stuff >drop-down menu> yahoo >mail >inbox... click delete click delete click delete >drop-down menu >open.ac.uk >student home >SK124 >student home >SD329 >student home >B322 >student home >personal blog >view site entries >TMA01 word doc >nope, not ready >drop-down menu >thesaurus, google, youtube, twitter,....

This is why they are always all-nighters.  A complete inability to focus.  Only... only... only... I don't even know what I was going to say then.

I've organised my celebrations for tomorrow though.

Oh I remember, only one and a quarter questions left.  The less there is to do, the less urgent it all seems.  It is urgent Rosie!  I need to learn how to fool my own brain.  My body hates being kept up like this.  My brain revels in it.  Totally disconnected.  Perhaps this is part of the reason I am unable to meditate.  Even short attempts make me extremely anxious.

I'll fully disconnect my brain from my body tomorrow, no doubt.  Keep it happy; thank it for all its hard work by killing off a few bits of it.  Poor thing; it doesn't know with each celebration the next assignment gets that much harder.  All those neuronal interconnections I spent so long building to be drowned in the bottom of a glass touched by the lips of a thousand boring humdrum customers, a few hundred boring drunks, a few tens of delightful drunks, two theiving bar staff and one genius.  And then me. 

>drop-down menu >facebook....

I often put up links for this sort of thing on facebook, but not so much on here unless it's something I want to listen to again.  But looking at the counter on here a few people have bothered to look at this blog, which could be for the normal posts, or could be for the links, or both.  Still, if it's for the links, this one's for you!

So, go to...

www.songsfromtheshed.com

Scroll down, and pick a band.  It is what is says; people playing their songs in a shed, and it is brilliant. 

If you're stuck for choosing, start with Curtis Eller, because he's a friend.  If you don't like banjos don't. 

There are loads of great bands on there, mostly unknown, and I defy anyone with ears not to find something new, that they enjoy, and that makes their day a little better.

So if you need a ten minute study break, pick a band, and listen to a track.  And if you're a musician or singer, get yourself booked into the shed!

I have had a truly motivated day!  Thought I'd write a quick entry here over a well deserved glass of red.

In the morning I 'worked' and made a decent wage.  I say 'worked' because I now work for myself on a million different things, and all of them are really hobbies, and things that I enjoy.  But I still have to pay the bills of course, so technically, it is work. 

Then I finally made myself finish reading the B3 course text - that's it, I've read it all!  It was awesome too, because I thought I had to read both sessions 7 and 8 (about 60 pages) but when I got to my little business plan notebook, I'd already completed all of session 7 during a concussed period.  I had absolutely no recollection of having done it.  But that goes for a lot of things that I did at that time, not all of them so fruitful!  So that put me in a good mood.  I whizzed through my notes, and commended myself on my ability to write down words that I was at the time, unable to verbalise.  And then I whizzed through session 8 as it was all financial stuff, and astonishingly, all the stuff I learnt in B680 accounting came straight back to me.  Hmm... that's weird, that doesn't fit the rule of level 1; B1, level B2; 2 etc. - that's level 3; B6.  Well that's a slight dampener to my euphoria but nothing too bad.  So that took me no time at all.  Then, in a moment of stationary elation I printed off a whole heap of useful stuff and stapled it into sections and ordered it and made everything look organised.  I realise of course that I haven't actually achieved much at all, given that most of it was already done without my knowledge... but I was anticipating having to spend two days on something that took only a few hours.  So I feel superhuman.  Ha!

Got the house to myself too, which is blissful, and can comfortably watch some trash on TV.  I don't go out on Friday or Saturday nights as it's far too stressful, so I take it upon myself to enjoy the TV I enjoyed when I was too young to go out, and re-live a simpler time.  It's all good.

Prior to that though, I will read a little of my anxiety book, as I am in a good frame of mind not to get entirely irritated with the content.  I did have to give myself a bit of a talking to the other day, as I've been wholly negative about the whole thing.  However, believe it or not, I used one of the CBT techniques to critique my own negativity.  So, although I refuse to change my feelings in terms of my beliefs, I will try at least to only focus on the bits that are beneficial.  Which I'm doing and consequently leaves me very little to talk about on the matter.  Which is in itself a good thing in some ways!

I got sent an awesome e-mail today, well two actually.  One was one of those illusion ones, but with a whole bunch that I hadn't seen before that were really good.  And another one was a heap of 'perfectly timed pictures' that were ridiculous or incredible or very, very funny.  Maybe that's what started off my day so well!

Got the B3 final assignment back today and am very happy.  It's done exactly the job I wanted it to do.  Only just, but it's done it.  And now I reckon I can get a move on with the final bits!! 

I am very happy

It might even counteract the family difficulties I have to deal with later on today.  Now that really would be something!  Get through a difficult phonecall and feel ok at the end of it. 

I realised today I don't think I've smoked for over 6 months.  I don't know exactly when I stopped, but I'm pretty sure it was around September/October time. 

Right, still muddling through the S3 text at the moment.  And the DVD material.  Best get on with it!

Supermarkets. The day before mother's day?  It's as bad as Christmas.  What is wrong with everyone?! 

I have to travel to Cardiff tomorrow to see my mother.  Fine aside from it being a Sunday.  Train travel could not be more complex on a Sunday.  Lots of buses.  Lots of waiting around for buses.  And for those that are more rail than rail replacement, lots of slow running trains.  I have bought picnic stuff as there is no chance of getting me anywhere near a restaurant when I know in advance it's going to be packed and noisy and stressful.  She's happy with that though, so it's all ok!  We'll go and find a nice hill to walk up, and sit on.

The plus side to train travel is it gives me an opportunity to do some of the more boring reading parts of my courses, which I am loathe to do when there is a distraction of any description available to me.

I've been given books on prescription as well now.  I couldn't bring myself to go to the library and get them in that way.  So yesterday I bought them.  I'm supposed to have made inroads into them by Monday afternoon, but I'm not keen on opening them.  Monday morning perhaps; they're depressing by nature so I might as well utilise the opportunity to do a bit of normalising, given that I don't usually get the Monday morning blues.  I haven't had a weekend-free job since I was about 17.  I've always been a shift worker or self employed.  I'm grateful for that too as I'd never get to go to the pub if I was only free at weekends.  Or town.  Though that wouldn't be the greatest loss - town, not the pub.

Anyway, time to continue with whatever it was I convinced myself I was doing before I started writing this.

I seem to get addicted to anything and everything.  Usually I have to completely avoid whatever it is if I intend not to use, eat, drink, smoke, buy.... I've given up smoking, given up white wine, given up certain clothes shops.  In recent years I've become addicted to supermarkets, which I think is more sad than anything.  There are times when our house is piled high with multiple purchases of the same item.  There have been times when there have been literally hundreds of tins of things like tinned tomatoes, tuna and baked beans.  There was the ice lolly phase where I filled all three drawers of the freezer with ice lollies, and every time I ate one had to have it immediately replaced.  And there was the time when our sitting room was so full of multipacks of pepsi max that you could build mini fortresses and play at being King of the indoor castle.  And the sock phase, the hoody phase, the jeans phase, the yoghurt phase, the bubble bath phase (that we are still working our way through some years later)... the list is endless, and ridiculous.  I realised at some point, that I was going to have to stop going into supermarkets, because I just couldn't trust myself.  Then I decided that I would write a list of the main foods that I eat, and I could only buy those foods from the supermarket, no matter what was on special offer.  Now this has worked to some extent, but it means I obsess over not running out of these self-imposed staple items.  The difficulty is, is that it's not about willpower.  It's something different.  It's this intense need for rules.  My willpower is incredible.  If anything, it is too good.  I can put myself through physical pain in order to stick to rules that I put upon myself.  So, having learnt to semi-manage these addictions and obsessions, I now have to learn how to be flexible in my management.  And that is what I am struggling with.  A lot of this is due supposedly to a lack of social imagination, and the need for rules and routines is almost expected in my case.  But I feel that this stuff must be able to be learnt.  I've improved so much; it's just this final hurdle.  It just seems that every big obsession that I deal with breaks itself down into hundreds of smaller obsessions that are actually more difficult to manage.  Well more complex anyway.  But I guess that's the world.  Here I am, happily having been seeing everything in black and white, and now I'm trying to learn to see it in full colour.  It's so hard! 

On a separate note I got tricked into buying two bottles of appletiser today which is really irritating.  I don't even know what spirits I could mix it with to make it seem like I did it on purpose.  Vodka maybe.  That mint Polish vodka was nice with apple juice.  Maybe I should pick some mint.

I really want to know how I did in my final assignment for B3 too.  It's really annoying.  My second assignment got typed in with the original low mark on the assessment page.  Then when it got remarked, the new mark for the second assignment got inputted into the space for the third assignment.  So now I have the wrong mark in both boxes, and my tutor hasn't been able to return my third assignment to me even though he has marked it. 

I don't think I'm going to get that S3 assignment done by tomorrow as I'd hoped.  I haven't been in the mood for it at all.  I think I need a home holiday.  A week that's like being on holiday with nothing to do, but at home, as I'm not a fan of being away from home.  And telling people that I'm on holiday so they don't bother me.  Truth is, that's basically what I've done, only it hasn't felt like it because I hadn't realised I'd done it.  Fool.

I signed up to Twitter the other day, so that I could get 'tweets' (I can't get my head around so many people talking about this as if it sounds normal) from a virtual friend who puts all his gigs up on there.  I did a 'tweet'.  I don't get it at all.  But then, I didn't get this at first, and now I quite enjoy it.  I more enjoy reading the other entries on here and feeling like I know a little more about people that I don't actually know anything about.  There's a reason it's called a virtual world. 

I found a link on facebook today as well called 'between you and me'.  I clicked on it, and it's some stupid thing where you answer pointless questions about people.  I was surprised about some of the answers people had given about me, and quite pissed off about a few too.  One of them said that they thought I sang Britney Spears' songs aloud when I was on my own.  What a ridiculous notion.  It prompted me to put up a status update abusing the anonymous answerer. 

Anyway, I'm meant to be reading the assignment questions.  I think if I can make myself do that, then I'll be in with a chance of at least getting a draft done.  Dunno when I'll get time to read the text book though.  One thing at a time.

Ooops.

Spent the afternoon and evening in a pub garden drinking Crabbies ginger beer and chatting with an old dear friend, and later, his son, who is 16.  I've known him since he was about 10.  Strange to see how much he's grown up in six months.  He made me feel old! 

Crabbies isn't a very nice name I realise.

His son told me stories of jumping out of wardrobes to frighten friends - pretending to be characters from Narnia, gave me a comprehensive overview of his English A-level, and told jokes that were not shit.

And no studying.  Well I did do my B3 tutorial bits from last month.  That's not nothing.

I'm going to a different pub now to drink a different drink.  Wine I think.  I might as well accept today is not going to be productive and start enjoying it.  What better way than to go hang with my 12-years-older boyfriend to make me feel young again.  I'm definitely too old to talk to 16 year olds.  I'm too close in age and yet too much older.   

When I'm 40 I'll talk to them.  Now I'll talk to people who are 40.  The changeover will happen without me knowing, I'm sure.

I love Spring.

I have just wasted a whole bunch of time on this.  Googling and wiki-ing and random searching...

Throughout my text book, there are loads of '...ise' words spelt '...ize'.  It was getting right on my nerves, having to spell like an American when I am not, and then I started to get a bit paranoid as to whether some words were originally spelt with a 'z'.  I can't remember now.  I can't remember which British words are a 'z' and which are an 's'.  I can't look it up in the dictionary, because the dictionary has been changed to all z's throughout.  So now I'm using s's for everything and wondering if some of them should be z's.  I can't abide spelling mistakes.  So now I'm really stressed out as to whether my notes are spelt correctly or not.  And every 'z' I see is jumping out at me and making me progressively more irritable.

I've just had to open a bottle of Crabbies to calm my nerves.

The next 4 weeks are really study-hectic.  The past 4 weeks were really study-hectic.  Normally, I would only be in this position for one week, every couple of months, for the occasional assignment.  I've got to admit I'm knackered.  And only half-way through phase one of hectivity.  Phase two starts in May, and is predicted to be even worse. 

To add to my difficulties all the leads in the colouring pencils I found in the cupboard are weak and pathetic.  They are causing regular and consistent bouts of crayon abuse, much to the bemusement of the cats, who I assume are grateful that it's not aimed at them.

I had planned to finish Block 1 of S3 tonight, but I don't see it happening, as I've already lost interest.  I believe I should either be near the end of Block 2, or starting Block 3.  Certainly significantly further ahead than I am at this moment.

I was reminded earlier of the guy who faked his own death some time ago and got caught - I don't remember the details, but I know he's referred to as the canoe guy in this house - and more specifically, of a friend of ours very seriously telling us at the time that the guy was claiming insomnia.  One of those moments where we couldn't really correct him without appearing to be arrogant bastards, but equally couldn't suppress the uncontrollable fit of giggles that ensued.  One of those times where you have to come up with a stupid excuse as to why you're laughing.  I did it with someone in the pub once, and said I was laughing at the TV, and they just looked at me and said 'but it's the news'.  No getting out of that one.

I might try and do just a few more pages of this text book...

I have just finished my side of the S1 course (marking and results pending for a further three weeks or so), and I feel a sense of loss.  Admittedly I am pleased to no longer have the ECA hanging over me, and the knowledge that it is completed is positive knowledge.  This is the first course where I have ever actively enjoyed the forums.  There have been so many interesting and kind people, and it's odd to think of not speaking to them again.  I think I've been using it as intellectual escapism.  That is, because it is significantly less mentally taxing than my other two courses, but it is still technically 'studying'.  So often when I disappear upstairs under the pretence of 'studying', I am in fact just browsing the S1 forum.  And I feel no sense of guilt in that.  It doesn't work in the same way for the other courses, as for one the forums are largely inactive, and for two I don't feel I know anyone on them.  I don't actually know anyone on the S1 course, but I feel like I do, which is a first for an OU course, and very cool, I think.

I guess I can still hang about in the forums until they close.  In fact, that's where I'm headed now, as there was a message that deserves immediate attention. 

Tomorrow is the start of 10 days of S3.  I've bought a new notebook to mark the occasion.  Undeniably pointless. 

The black line that has invaded my field of vision is becoming quite an irritant, particularly as I know it's here to stay.  I have to find a way to love it.  I just wish it didn't have to float about right infront of whatever it is I'm trying to look at.  Anyway, quick visit to the forums...

The trouble with taking lots of courses is the constant deadlines; both self-imposed through necessity, and actual deadlines.

I had 3rd March and 17th March, now I have 7th April, 13th April and 22nd April.  But the 7th April one is really tomorrow, the 13th April is really 31st March, and the 22nd April is as it is.  It's very confusing.

Just about broke even on gold cup day.  Had a slightly mortifying 'lucky 15'.  Two of my horses nearly came in first... but came in second.  I had Get Me Out of Here who had a photo finish with Final Approach.  That evoked some strong feelings I must say.  And then Denman, though he was 2nd by a bit more.  Both were a bit gutting though.  My other two weren't even placed, which I can handle.  Still a pleasure as ever.  I love race week!

Anyway, I did half of tomorrow's ECA today, so only half to do tomorrow.  Though I did do the technically 'easier' half which I'll no doubt regret in the morning.  Hey ho. 

I'm getting to the stress levels that result in spontaneous and unnecessary stationary purchases.  I don't know why, but I always feel it helps.  It doesn't.  Anyway, must go, got to pick some bluegrass while the house is still empty...

Quoting from my last post...

"We watched crap DVDs for the rest of the day, chatted, drank wine, ate pizza - she ate garlic bread too, yuk - and generally had a bit of a teenage evening."

It occurred to me during the night that this was a really strange thing to write in my blog.  I very rarely had such teenage evenings, and in fact greatly feared invitations to them.  The implication is that my teenage evenings with friends consisted of consuming junk food and watching rubbish films.  This couldn't be further from the truth!  I think I just made a subconscious effort to normalise myself for no good reason at all.  It's interesting timing on a psychological level, as I feel I am being progressively viewed as less and less 'normal' by certain individuals, and it is becoming incredibly irritating.

Anyway, my teenage years were spent constantly trying to keep up with my peers emotionally, and socially.  I put little effort into my school work, as there was no particular need, which I suppose was lucky as it gave me time to focus on fitting in.  This goal was achieved at my first senior school, but unfortunately GCSE years were at a different school and I did not adapt particularly well.  I spent my free time at both schools either on my bike, or walking to find trees to climb.  For the final few months of school at 15 I spent the school hours up a tree, smoking and reading.  Which I can proudly say I no longer do (smoking that is, not tree climbing!).  I never lied about it.  I was asked if I went to school and I would say yes.  I was asked if I'd had a good day and I would say yes.  I was asked what subjects I'd studied, and I would reel them off.  In fact what I did was walk to school, climb a tree on the edge of the playing field, light a cigarette, and read my text books.  For a child who is accused of being terribly rebellious, I find my behaviour to be above average on the rebellion continuum.  As a result I got very good GCSEs, and quite honestly, better than I would have done in school.  Perhaps that is why the OU appeals to me; had never really thought of it 'til just now!

At no point during that period did I ever sit at a friend's house, eat pizza and watch films.  On a few occasions there were sleep overs that I couldn't get out of, and I believe we watched films at them.  I just remember them being really boring and frightening (just the sort of emotional combination to make any child jump for joy!) with make overs and so on, which I never got involved in as couldn't stand to have my hair or face touched.  So, in conclusion, after much unneccessary chatter, I don't know what possessed me to write the original sentence, and though I'm not deleting it, I'm retracting it, if that makes sense.