It's a very strange time for me in my life right now. I'm feeling very sober, very clear headed, yet very lonesome, fatigued and frustrated with the world. There are some things I would like to get off my chest, about this situation that I am in, and whether you read or not, it is not a bother to me.
I suppose I shall start from the heart - well, I mean, from that which is most immediate. I am fatigued and frustrated by the internet and its nuances. The internet tries to come across as a liberal, forward thinking platform for free thought and free speech. But it is a stifling and toxic environment, and you could probably get cancer from trying too hard to be accepted. In music, especially in the eighties, you used to get all types of 'middle of the road' music - music that was safe and trusted: Genesis, Dire Straights, all the rest. I believe what we are experiencing today is a washout of middle of the road content which all companies, outfits and users try to emulate to ensure they get the ultimate amount of hits, obviously so that it leads to financial gain. But it's had a really deadening effect on the psyche and psychology of mankind. Everybody everywhere is trying to be as middle of the road and safe as possible. There's no true excitement, and the only thing that gives us any true happiness is making an order on Amazon. It is a very dire situation. And I think it's really true. But I don't know what else to say about it. We all try to be as amenable as possible, and worse still, we are blocked by the internet if we try to escape these confines.
The other thing about the internet is that, not only is it fatiguing and frustrating, but we sit for hours watching clips and videos and memes, and reading comments, and we expect there to be something different from comment to comment. Some threads can have a thousand likes and a thousand comments, but have you ever tried to read past the tenth comment. After the third comment you seem to catch the gist of what is being said on that post, and you wonder why anybody took the time to say anything in the first place. It's hard to take the internet at face value in any case, but the point I'm trying to make is that there's no diversity from comment to comment. You do not need to read a hundred comments by a hundred different people, when the first comment says exactly what the last will say. In addition, it makes one pine for trolls. I miss trolls, I really do! And I would like to be one, but when you're as open-faced online as I am, you may be ostracised or blocked or cancelled.
But about this point on trolls. For me, it used to be easy to get what I needed from the internet. That's because I was always stoned the whole time, and I could make fun of people, and also not worry about being made fun of myself. So now that I've been over a year free from weed and hash and all things Mary Jane, it's been hard to adjust. And I think that in the beginning, I was up for it. I was totally into the idea in which academia was the ultimate goal, and capitalism and monetary gain, and control were the right things to be into. And I think, in the long run, I'll be alright, especially if I remember to blog my thoughts from time to time. But fuck me is it boring. And it should be boring, that's true, if you want to earn yourself a little cash and live a stress free life - I mean, there's nothing more stressful than being high all the time, and wanting to keep high all the time. But in terms of how I'm adjusting... it's getting to the time of my abstinence from recreational drugs at which I have nearly beaten my record - that is, I'm fourteen months clear. Yet I have been fifteen months clear, so you see that I'm nearly at my record. But I'm starting to flake out. Well, I am and I'm not. I'm pining for a bit of excitement, and I'm busting to troll a few people. Trolling can be political, and can be nuanced and clever, or it can just be fun. I wish I was able to break out a bit more and troll a few more people.
About this internet nuance: where we are exposed to the entire world's population in text on our phones... You know, it seems on the face of it that there are a lot more people than there actually are. You see in the streets - you walk the streets, and the situation is very much a case of "you and them". That is, it's you, walking the streets, and everybody else. We amalgamate all those people into a machination of illusory imagination. We imagine that the collective human, as the 'other' in society, is balled up into one idea. We think "people will think this of me, or people will think that of me..." But that is an illusion. When you're at the festival, and there are a thousand other people in the crowd, that lead singer is looking out on the entire crowd, and all this cheering emanates from the audience, and it seems like there's a thousand souls all screaming to be entertained. But that is an illusion. There is only one person. It's you. Consciousness is one. Thinking is one. There are not a thousand people, but there is only you. There is one person. So when we see the internet and all the millions of comments and avatars, it's true to say, we don't need them. We only need one person. One person can satisfy a man's needs by saying slightly different things each time, much more than a million people can by saying the one thing over and over again.
I'm thinking of abandoning the internet. Facebook can do one. Twitter's no better. I don't get Reddit. Itunes is alright though, although listening to CDs is much better, much more enjoyable. And I imagine listening to vinyl is much better than that!
In short, we need someone to look after us. And by looking after us, I mean we need someone to take care of all our needs.
I have a girlfriend - although, sometimes I'm sceptical of that. But it's true, she is my girlfriend. I've recently journaled some bad things about her. I mean, they were born of real issues I was having. Like, sometimes I don't like to kiss my girlfriend. It can be spitty and phlegmy and not nice at all. So I said these things, and mind you, I was anxious at the time; full of anxiety and not at all centred. I was agitated, and I get like that at times. I was questioning our relationship. I mean, she should be here, right? She should be here, and not just here for an hour on a Monday afternoon. She should be here, but the question is, do I want her to be here? Perhaps I don't, not really. Perhaps that's why she isn't here, and not a reason on her part at all. But I have things I need to get on with in life, and relationships can get in the way. My cousins all have kids, and so do my sister and brother, but I don't, and in that sense I don't have a life - not in the way it's written to be lived. I can do anything I want. I don't know what I'm saying. I guess I'm saying that I'm having to adjust.
I'm going to stop there, because that's all I have the energy for.
But there's more to say.
Till next time.