Personal Blogs

Of course I don't have a problem with Jesus, he seemed like a noble person, telling people to love one another is good advice, how much less suffering and better karma there would be in the world if people did this. I don't believe that there is an eternity in Hell for not being a Christian though. That way of thinking is like an unhappy prison for the mind, and the sooner people get out of the delusion of superstition and dogma the better. The name of the Hebrew God is: 'I am'  Perhaps there's a clue right there. When we search the depth of our being and ask ourselves who we are, the answer is usually 'I just am. ' Perhaps that is the omnipresent God that is in everything. We all have an 'I am'. Maybe that is what Jesus meant when he said I and the father are one. Who knows? I certainly don't know. It may be one of those questions that can never have a satisfactory answer. One thing I do know is supreme being or not, people don't get sent to Hell because they practise critical thinking. People shouldn't be afraid to ask questions about anything. The only way to learn is to ask questions and do your own research, find out what is true from your own practise. Experience is the ultimate teacher. Others that have walked the path can help as guides, but you still must walk the path yourself. Don't believe something blindly just  because someone says it is so, test it as thoroughly as you need, be scientific and discover the truth for yourself. Be your own guru. Your own master. Don't let another tell you what to think or  believe.

Watch out for guilt. Many of us in the West are brought up with guilt complexes. Guilt is no help at all, let that shit go.

The past is dead, learn what you can from it, but don't drag that corpse around with you.

Had this vivid dream of being in possession of a magical pebble.

I skimmed it across the water and each time it skipped it grew larger and larger until it became an island with ancient Aztec-style ruins on it. Me and some companions went to explore the island. We found an entrance to an underground tunnel and entered it. Whilst down there we accidently activated a secret entrance that held a sarcophagus, with horror we watched it  open and a female zombie with glowing eyes emerge. She was immensely powerful and terrifying to behold. She butchered all my companions but for some reason spared me and when I was the last person standing, she changed from the form of a zombie to a beautiful self-assured Goddess. She led me out of the underground tunnels to the top of the island, where she stood by the entrance to a cave. She did not seem to want to harm me, in fact she seemed quite protective and motherly towards me. And she had a strong sense of the wild about her, reminded me of the feeling of connection and kinship I feel with nature and other species of life.

Anyway I had no idea what any of that could mean, but it left a strong impression on me. I researched ancient goddesess, from all cultures. And found out some amazing stuff about how humans used to live in a matriarchal society. And it was women who invented agriculture and were leaders during the Neolithic times. The garden of eden story symbolises this, the move away from being hunter-gatherers to farmers.

 Women would often die in childbirth, and those that did would be venerated as fallen heroes. The neolithic peoples worshipped the Goddess. Silbury hill for example took 400 years to build and has stood for over 4000 years. A symbol of the ancient Goddess in the shape of a breast. 

 Things changed roughly around the time of ancient Greece, things became more and more patriarchal, and women became suppressed and demeaned; at the same time the natural world also started to become oppressed. Nature became seen as something to be dominant over, something to exploit and control. The idea of ownership developed, not just of the land, but also of people. Something which still continues to this day.

 Anyway, after much digging I finally found the Goddess from my dream. She was an Aztec goddess. Portrayed sometimes in their art as a frightening zombie-like figure. It is all symbolic though, she was actually quite benevolent, the frightening zombie side to her nature symbolises her consuming our misdeeds/impurities, so we can become pure enough to travel onward. The companions in my dream must have symbolised my impurities. The cave she stood beside, I think symbolised the womb. Ancient caves almost always symbolised the womb. And perhaps I am meant to enter it to become reborn, or maybe it means the world is about to be reborn. Perhaps the cave is the safest place to be in these turbulent times, a place to change, develop and grow into something new.

I dunno, I am maybe reading too much into this dream,  left a strong impression on me though and was odd that I would dream of a Goddess I had never heard of before and find out she was based on an actual ancient mythology. Cool dream anyway... but perhaps I am reading too much into it. 

(This is something I need to remember for 2020)

The idea of being a person (a personality with likes and dislikes) is just a construct of the mind. Your ego, social class, race, beliefs, purpose, ideas and opinions, they are all just constructs of the mind. What appears and disappears is not real. The one thing consistent through all experience is the one who is the seer, the silent observer, the watcher. To discover the truth about who you are, ignore the constructs of the mind and find out who the seer is.

I am depressed at the moment. It is a struggle each day just to get out of bed and do anything. My energy levels are low. Studying is difficult, my cognitive abilities are getting worse and I am finding reading difficult, constantly have to read and re-read the same paragraph for the information it contains to eventually sink in, and even then I am not sure it has. Starting to doubt if I have what it takes to finish this degree. I'll keep going though...

It could be this dark time of year, I find November a difficult month. I feel like a hedgehog that wants to go hibernate somewhere, maybe humans should hibernate, that would save energy and resources and maybe help the planet not die from over-exploitation.

We got some cool starling murmurations here, look really amazing, and when they pass overhead you can hear their collective wing-beats.

There are some that think everything is conscious, even molecules and atoms, that it is a natural consequence of an interconnected Interdependent form. Meaning every level of reality could be conscious from atoms, to molecules, to cells, to neurons, to a human. And consciousness could even go beyond that, to perhaps a family, a neighbourhood, town, city, nation, the Internet, an eco-system, biome, planet, solar system, galaxy, the whole universe might be conscious.

A lot of things in reality are like fractals.

Struggling a bit with motivation for learning at the moment. Feels like the world is ending and part of me just thinks what is the point? All work and industry does is f#ck up the planet. The ocean here is dying, there is a significant lack of life in it this year. It's all disappearing, even the shell fish, there's hardly anything now, there used to be loads.

Got a doctors appointment today, I can't face going in, so am going to cancel it, change it to another day. I can't handle being around people at the moment and I dislike doctor waiting rooms, depressing places full of posters about possible things that might be wrong with you. It is a mission for me to get there and I don't want to talk to anyone just now. Feel like I need to be on my own and ride out this depressed state o mind.

Can't seem to meditate or get into anything at the moment.

Melancholic seagull shanty,
sounds across the bay
the ancient sky
fragile
smokey blue membrane between life and space,
I listen through open window and humid air,
no breeze, no chill, not a wave on the sea,
as blackbird sings, and pigeon wings flutter
the crunkly pebbled sound of a car approaches
my relative position in time and space.

Tired man, feel like my legs are made out of concrete and my brain is in a jar somewhere. Sometimes online in social media and on forums I just post stuff for the sake of it and don't really add anything to the conversation. It's not really ego or wanting to be noticed, it is more stupidity lol. Maybe I should stay away from discussions for a bit, my contributions are a bit shit anyway to be honest, I either state the obvious or I waffle on like a fool.

Chack Chack is singing on the window perch, with the breeze blowing through her feathers. Nice day man, semi-blue skies, warm sun. A song thrush is also singing, it is a beautiful sound - feel lucky to be able to hear it.

I remember a crazy dream I had where Hitler was hunting me down to try and assasinate me with a gang of his elite soldiers. I was just about to be caught by him when a songthrush appeared in my dream and started singing and the world changed around me and I was safe.