Had a most unfortunate screw-up yesterday afternoon. I spoke without thinking. Well I wrote without thinking. I wrote what I was thinking. In an e-mail. And I sent it. No going back. Bugger.
I haven't heard back. And I'm very very stressed as to what the response will be.
For the sake of decency, and the avoidance of a second screw-up this morning, I shall call the person under scrutiny Bob. No links to be made there! So, just over ten years ago, Bob decided he didn't want to see any of his family anymore. This in itself was no problem, but because I loved him, I felt guilty when I saw them. Each time I did see them, Bob would find himself feeling uncomfortable with his own emotions, and not wishing to deal with them head on, he would transfer them onto me, in some of the most verbally negative ways imaginable. Of course, many a time I was vile back, but when someone is able to maintain their button pushing for hours and hours, there will always be a snapping point. Eventually, it became too much for me to cope with. I was feeling constantly bad about myself. I couldn't do right. If I saw family I had to deal with the ever worsening aftermath, not to mention the constant requests to see Bob, and to find out where he had gone, what he was doing and if he was well. All information that I was not allowed to disclose. If I didn't visit I felt guilty, particularly to the elderly relatives, with whom I knew at any given moment I could lose the opportunity to ever see again. Rather than going under, I chose to write to my family, and tell them that for reasons of self preservation, I could no longer have contact. Bob maintains therefore, that this was entirely my decision and that he never stopped me seeing anyone. In terms of absolute truth, he is of course correct. However, had Bob not said all the cruel and shocking things that he did, my decision would have been different.
Then I met Al. He witnessed my meltdowns with Bob. He heard the arguments. A few moments before complete breakdown, him and a friend of the time held an intervention, and got me to go and get help. I spent a long time in therapy. I spent a lot of money on therapy. I invested, and my relationship with Bob improved as a result. Bob did not like my therapy, and anytime I tried to use the tools I took away from it, he would tell me that my counsellor was paid to be on my side and therefore did not count. Of course, this is not the case, but it was hard to stomach. It was no different to Bob telling me that my friends would be on my side regardless. That also is not true. My friends tell me when they think I am in the wrong. It's rare as I chastise myself quite enough without needing anyone to point out my faults. I have been blamed for everything since the earliest age; been forced to take responsibility for things that were not mine to take. I know now that it was all real, because the long-term people in my life have seen it. When I start to beat myself up for screwing up they bring me around, telling me they were there, they saw it, and it wasn't my fault. Bob is very clever though, and he is able to make anything and everything my fault. I sometimes wonder if he even likes me. But then, the reason that I haven't cut him out of my life, is that underneath all this festering bitterness, is a beautiful, kind and caring human being. And that person comes out from time to time and makes it all worthwhile.
Anyway, as I have written about before, I recently regained family contact. Bob decided he would like contact too. Al was present for this conversation, which is lucky as I don't recall. Bob now maintains that I forced him to make contact; I guilt-tripped him; he did it to save our relationship; he had no choice. Bob still won't have his own, adult contact. He still makes it through me. I receive his post, and his e-mails, and ferry conversations around cyber space and the postal system. I hate it.
Yesterday, a lunch meeting was arranged. There were 6 dates proposed to me. I passed these to Bob. I said the first two were inconvenient, but the other four were fine. Bob said the other four were not convenient to him. I knew that he would. Bob wanted one of my busy days, so I agreed. He chose which one. I e-mailed them the chosen date. Bob phoned me back a few minutes later in an anxious state, saying he couldn't make that date. Now, I know that Bob felt bad for changing the plans. And how does Bob deal with uncomfortable feelings? Blames me. So he then proceeded to tell me I had rushed him, he hadn't expected to have to make a decision so quickly, he didn't like having dates thrust at him like that, I should've given him more time to think, I shouldn't have phoned on a Monday, I always do this sort of thing and I do it on purpose, and just as he was about to enter into his usual family rant, I told him to get off the phone, go away and think about what he wanted, and phone me when he knew, as I knew exactly which road the conversation was going down. This was midday. At 5pm, Bob sent me a text message to say he was sorting it out. At 8pm he sent a text message to say he had chosen a date.
Yesterday I was so angry. So angry that we had gone back so instantly to a time that was close to unbearable. That he has reverted straight back to his old ways. That I'm left ferrying messages back and forth again. That I'm taking responsibility for two people again. I was so angry that I first wrote a very strongly worded e-mail which I sent to myself, and then wrote a second e-mail detailing my discomfort with the situation, which I sent. To the people I have only met twice in ten years. To people that I don't really know. I didn't tell them anything specific. But I did disclose that Bob's behaviour was something that I could not deal with again. Bob and I were just starting to get things straight and I feel like we've taken a massive step backwards. I wanted to run away from it all, lose contact again. I never ever want to feel so bad about myself ever again, and I can see exactly where this is leading. Bob is not coping. And when Bob doesn't cope, he tries to destroy me. It's all true. I just wish I had kept it to myself. They probably won't even believe me. Additionally, they still seem to think we're meeting on the original date, which is tomorrow. I hope that's rectified by tomorrow otherwise I will have to go all the way to meet them, apologise for Bob's absence, and explain that he cannot make it until the following week. Because, of course, this situation is my fault, and therefore it is up to me to sort it out. These people we're meeting are quite possibly the loveliest people I have met, and I was really excited at the thought of seeing them again. I love talking to them; they are interesting, engaging and kind. But right now, I am more than ready to walk away from the whole thing. I feel sick to the pit of my stomach. And today, I will have to deal with Bob.