Personal Blogs

You know these days where you feel like you haven't stopped all day, but the reality is, that hardly anything has been done at all. well today is one of those days. Not that i am complaining, i am not the kind of person who has to keep busy and doesn't have time to do this, that or the other. Time is all i have and i choose to take time, i think thats mindfulness for you, days doing as much as i need too and as less as i want too are the days i like the best, if I'm honest, i aim to make all my days like that. 'There are not enough hours in the day' 'i don't have the time' 'I am too busy' and 'i cant wait until blah blah' 'time is money' are phrases i never say, or want to hear, as i do not surround myself with people who put their selves under unnecessary pressure, or believe that their relationship with time was uniquely designed for them. Relativity makes sure that we all move around in time, in our own way, although what links us all is that time is all we have, we chose who to prioritise, we choose how much to wish away. we choose whether to clock watch or have no time pieces. What s the time? A more complexed question than we realise.

WWG1WGA

I have finally caught up with my course work. After my Mothers week of illness i fell behind and never studied once during that period. I dont do well with pressure and i was happy get through the period relatively stress free. My year long DBT course has finished and i received a certificate that says so. In my later life i find myself finishing courses, tasks and projects with a lot of ease as compared to the earlier part of my life, i have always seen myself as a Peter Pan type character, who's never really noticed the changing of myself, until the last few years. When i refer to changes in myself, i speak from the attitude changes and the changes in my mindset, which is very much like having a cold shower, its refreshing and invigorating. I sense subtle but noticeable changes, that remind me of my learning, as at the time i dont think I'm learning anything. The internal cogs seem to be connecting like never before, maybe its age, maybe its the unconscious slip from instant gratification and seeing an instant impact to the acceptance of self reliability. As always i start to write not knowing what to say and let the free flow of thoughts take me where ever they take me, until i end up waffling on about some sort of nonsense, as i just have. Its took me over two hundred words to realise 'I'm growing up while noticing' I love the journey of self discovery, i love mini epiphanies, that realy, have been staring me in the face all the time, now i just have the time and space to see them. I suspect i have another 46 years of epiphanies to slap me in the face now i live life on life's terms. If not 46 years, then maybe the rest of time.

WWG1WGA

Winter is here, and i love it, cold outside but nice and warm inside, early dark nights and late light mornings, hat scarves and matching gloves, nowhere to go and all the time in my world to get there. 

WWG1WGA

What started as a good day turned in to day that I would rather happened a different way, its really not a big deal compared to some of the atrocities that are taking place in the world. I thought I had made a virtual friend in this weird virtual world of gigaisms and gigaists that seem sure to reconstruct the way we live. Welcome to the smart age folks, as tech increases I'm decreasing, as tech moves forward I step to the left and move backwards, I marine for a minute, how would the world be shaped if we had no tv's or internet. Any way back to my potentially, virtually virtual, nearly was a friendly friend type person, that turned out to be none of the foregone mentioned, in fact i think I will spare their dignity and wish them well, as we are only people and people do people stuff, and who am I to judge.

I had a tutorial about Bauman and his theories about consumerism i.e. The seducers and the the repressed, I think I was a bit to keen to my share my belief in not supporting companies who I believe to be unethical and exactly who I believe these companies to be. I mean it started well as the tutor picked up on my comments and gave positive feedback, which only fuelled my first to deliver more statements about such companies. And then she dried up my comments were no longer getting mentioned, so I furiously put out more comments, in the belief that she would notice them, at this point my ego was riding shot gun with his shades on, supping a pina colada, sticking his fingers right in my face and calling me cock womble, it was at that moment i realised he was right, which is rear for my ego. I really can be the worlds biggest bell end when it comes to maintaining myself sometimes. Something to work on I guess.

For any one with a social conscious, then this is a must see 

WWG1WGA

Once again the weekend is here, for me, time is passing so quickly. the days are shorter and COVID restrictions are turning the hole experience of living.............Well, I dont even think I have the words to describe life at the moment and all that we are experiencing. Its like a night at the movies that never ends, I've seen so many movies that depict the world as it is and its future. I truly do not believe that  the predictions of possible future life, by certain authors, film makers, and cartoonist, are in fact not predictions. If I were to believe in what I have read about  Sabbatai Zevi and Jacob Frank from the 1600 and 1700s, then I could not be mistaken for saying, what we are witnessing is a modern day version of their belief and rituals.

 Some people discard QANON as a conspiracy theory, and they may well call it a conspiracy, as the word itself means, 'to talk about' and talk about it is what we do. The term 'conspiracy theory' was first coined by the CIA in the 1950s, and had never been heard or spoken of before then. The theory is that a kabbalist sect of satanic worshipping child trafficking paedophiles are alive and well in hollywood, another term you may of heard of is 'pizza gate' that is run by the the VERY ELITE in the world, involving many high profile people. Who indeed, in the act of believing in satin sacrifice human babies and drink their blood.

 Now to any one who has studied satanism will know that sacrificing a human baby and drinking its blood is a satanic ritual and is the highest prize. What you will also be a wear of if you have studied satanism, is that, if satanics are to inflict any harm or carry out any of its rituals on any other human, then the ritual suggest that they have to tell the inflicted person or persons involved, which to me explains the so called prediction. they are not predicting the future, they are merely telling us what they are doing. So when you compare QANON to Sabbatai Zevi and Jacob Frank who were indeed around nearly 500 years ago, then it really does not seem that absurd does it. To any one who cant be bothered to research Sabbatai Zevi and Jacob Frank, I will give you a brief description of both

 The Sabbateans (or Sabbatians) were a variety of Jewish followers, disciples, and believers in Sabbatai Zevi (1626–1676),^[1][2][3] a Sephardic Jewish rabbi and Kabbalist who was proclaimed to be the Jewish Messiah in 1666 by Nathan of Gaza.^[1][2] Vast numbers of Jews in the Jewish diaspora accepted his claims, even after he outwardly became an apostate due to his forced conversion to Islam in the same year.^[1][2][3] Sabbatai Zevi's followers, both during his "Messiahship" and after his forced conversion to Islam, are known as Sabbatians.^[1][3] Part of the Sabbatians lived on until well into 21st-century Turkey as descendants of the Dönme. 

Jacob Frank  Frankism is associated with the Sabbateans of Turkey, a religious movement that identified the 17th-century Jewish rabbi Sabbatai Zevi as the Messiah.^[1][3] Like Frankism, the earlier forms of Sabbateanism believed that at least in some circumstances, antinomianism was the correct path.^[7] Zevi himself would perform actions that violated traditional Jewish taboos, such as eating foods that were forbidden by kashrut (Jewish dietary laws) and celebrating prescribed fast days as feast days.^[8] Especially after Zevi's death, a number of branches of Sabbateanism evolved, which disagreed among themselves over which aspects of traditional Judaism should be preserved and which discarded.^[9] The more radical branches even engaged in sexual foreplay.^[10] In Frankism, orgies featured prominently in ritual.^[2] 

 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XEsG8_UyIdg

Now when you bare in mind what you have read above and think about, England, after Paganism, was a predominantly Christian country that upheld Christian beliefs and practices ,so when you compare it to today, you can clearly that Christianity has been infiltrated and, like so many religions before it, turned on its head. Pride is a deadly sin, yet we are being taught to celebrate it, judge not less ye be judged, yet every other TV program is a program that involves judging, notice they are called tv PROGRAMES, The term celebrity come from celebrated people, yet the people we are taught to celebrate are tv, movie stars and singers.

This is not an attempt to convert people or make them a wear of the world, merely a glimpse in my mind and the telling my thoughts, I expect nothing from the telling of my thoughts, I am just using this platform as a tool of expression.

WWG1WGA

Now when you consider my Romany Gypsy upbringing, where before reading and writing we are taught to fight, sprinkled with a little 'left school at 13', add a couple of chunks of 'driving and working at 13', toped off with a dash of 'fully participating in adult life, owning a property and business at 16'. You will join me in my unsurprisingly disappointment of skipping a few pages in the txt book, in order to complete the second TMA, only to find out that the pages I skipped were the exact pages I should of been reading in response to feedback from TMA01 hahaha, what a muppet, if I had two brains I'd be twice as stupid. I swear as long as my Daddy's dead and bet my Bol@~#x to barn dance I wont be making that mistake again, feel free to mock, take the rise (rise and shine, urine) p@#s, heckle and stop reading what I write, in fact, I'm going for lay down.

WWG1WGA

There is no turning back now TMA02 has been handed in, I feel comfortable now its over and I can get stuck in to some hardcore chilling over the holidays, I've still got lots of reading to do but I'm fine with that. I dont strive for perfection, just to understand, I dont thrive on being the cleverest, just enough to know, and I dont wish for an award covered in sprinkles, just the recognition of trying. I live life at a much slower pace now, I dont deal with pressure or surprises that well and I am no longer that reckless youth who didn't give a f'=@, times have changed and a lot of growing up has took place. I'm middle aged now and there is nothing I like more than some good old fashioned silence. My earlier life reads like book written by the love triangle of a debaucherous Martina Cole, a dug addicted Steven King and AA cat Guy Ritchie, who all got lost on a 30 year bender, that left me with two mental health diagnosis, a psychosomatic chronic nerve condition affecting my right torso, and a life to rebuild after my Fathers murder and my brothers murder conviction. All of which is the driving force of my studies and the work I do with people who struggle from substance misuses, repeat offending and mental health issues. It took some pain and time for me to find out the meaning of my life and for me to understand why I'm here, and now that I know I have peace of mind. I'm happy and content for the first time in my life, everything seems natural and at ease.

WWG1WGA

Franz Jägerstätter................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................What are we prepared to sacrifice for what we believe in? Or will Lust, Gluttony, Greed, Sloth, Wrath, Envy and Pride be the victors of us all?

WWG1WGA

One moment my life seems of full business and the struggle to cope is a daily, no hourly task that is overbearing, draining and endless. Then almost without any effort I'm sat here feeling content and that I could take on any problem that comes my way. Its not complacency, its not mental illness and its not arrogance, at least I'm sure its not, but as sure as I am that it is not those issues I dont seem to know why. Maybe its part of the relay race and all the battens I have collected are building a structure of learning and understanding. I always tend to be the last person to know if I know something, with out further analysis of course. 

Frauds foundation of his Psychoanalysis and the bastion of his studies were self analysis, please for one minute do not think I'm comparing myself to Fraud 'well maybe I am' but not in an egocentric way, in a way that I have been studying, analysing, researching and experimenting with my thoughts, feelings, emotions and behaviours for my entire life, well my comprehendible life. Ever since I was able to comprehend the difference between right and wrong I have been challenging, contesting and trying to build an argument or some kid of understanding as to what, why, when, and how I lost my mind and more important how to find it again and then go on to learn how to live with it with out consequence to people who love me, people who like, strangers and myself. 

All of my life family, friends, strangers and councillors, psychologists, psychotherapists and neurotherapists have been telling me I think to much, that I over analyse all the time and they were right I do. After the 45 years that got me to this point I have come to realise that I am happy that I over thought and over analysed 'as they say' because I have an understanding of myself that quite honestly can be a curse at times yet on the whole is an empowering and reassuring feeling. For some reason that I am yet to understand is the loneliness that comes self analysis, almost prison like, happily observing yet participation almost feels 'glass dome like'.

WWG1WGA

Almost two years ago I was diagnosed with CPTSD (Complex Post Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) and BDP/EUPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) (Emotional Unstable Personality disorder). Because of the coercive, psychological, physical, verbal, abusive nature of my upbringing I suffered with the symptoms of CPTSD BDP for the majority of my comprehendible life.

 As part of my treatment for both disorders i was medicated and assigned DBT (Dialectical Behaviour Therapy) which is a talking that looks at emotion regulation and works with function of those emotions with a view to change.

DBT is a relatively new therapy which was constructed by an a American lady called Marsha M Linehan, who herself was a suffer of mental disorder's. DBT is an extensive  six month course that is carried out twice over a complete year, it is a requirement that the DBT therapist undertake the course their selves in order to teach it.

DBT is an intensive course with a high success rate and is designed to have a two hour group session where home work is given and feedback is taken and a one hour session of one to one, both sessions are done with a DBT therapist and both sessions happen weekly. Only twenty two people, per year in Warwickshire are picked to attend each year, it is quite a prestigious course. I was also under the care of a CPN which meetings took place once a week reducing

At this point I had just freed myself from my abusive partner, I was a depressive recluse who only left the house to attend appointments of self development and of course my dealer in the weak moments, I was scared of confrontation, scared of loud noises, the dark, basically I was scared of my own shadow, my substance abuse was through the roof, I was prolifically self harming by way of cutting, stabbing and breaking things over my own head, I was 6 stone under weight, I was abusing my medication, sleeping and eating was a concept that I couldn't grasp, my depressive moods were at an all time low and I was bankrupt, probably in the worst state I've ever been in my adult life, if not just as bad

Then one day the sun shone on me and I was lucky enough to be given the chance to attend DBT and so I started  on the 10/10/2019 after a year long wait. When I started DBT I really took to it brilliantly, within 5 months my self harming had stopped, I was attending a substance miscue charity for help with abstinence.

I was crushing abstinence, I was free from my abusive relationship with my ex partner, I attended every twice weekly meetings early, my homework was done on time and I was getting really good feedback, I was told by the therapists that I was a pleasure to work with and I was engaging excellently, I started to study year one with the OU, I was eating and sleeping properly, taking my meds on time, I was volunteering for a substance misuse charity in which I was excelling at, with a positive view to employment and generally I was in the best place id been in for three years

I was finally able to leave the house with some confidence, I had a purpose in life again and I was really looking forward to my meetings and being out in the fresh air with out fear.

Then one day the sun stopped shinning on me. Five months in to my DBT COVID struck and panic set in world wide. In one foul swoop my entire support system was wiped out. I could not continue with DBT, I could not see my CPN, volunteering stopped, the support I was getting with substance misuse stopped, my studies were interrupted and I was like so many of you, living in a prison, waiting, while the world worked out a way to connect again. I was no longer allowed to leave my house.

Within this period I started to feel depressed again, this manifested in to self harm which escalated to substance misuse. I could not control my eating and sleeping, I begun to loose weight again and before I knew it I was spiralling towards a dark place. It took a couple of months for DBT to work out a substitute of video meetings, this meant that I could still not leave my house, the excitement of leaving my house for a safe place of self development was gone, the interaction with like minded people was gone, we all felt like freaks and weirdos but at least there was a group of us which helped take that feeling  away, or at least we could feel like freaks and wierdos together, for a brief moment we felt a part of something positive and we were not crazy. 

Going out was a new treat for me that I would really look forward to and once again it was gone, the process has gone. Soon after the the video meetings were taking place it started put a barrier between me and my therapist and i was feeling a disconnection, it became cold and emotionless and an activity that, to this day I struggle to interact with, as a result I have really not benefited by the new changes, if anything I have gone backwards. 

I can do the written work but putting in place the tools I'm reading about is so hard with out that human connection that can inspire, motivate and create an emotional connection. I'm really feeling the impact of of losing the personal interaction and dealing with such a tough emotional issue through a system that does not transmit emotional personal air waves. As much as I try I really have not benefited since COVID struck, so much of my story has come from no too little choice of my own, circumstances and life as well as my disorders has dictated so much.

Now I'm reaching the end of my allocation to twelve months of DBT which ends this month, despite the fact that the last 6 months of my treatment was none existent for two months, not carried out in the correct format and as a result I have relapsed twice, started to self harm, struggled to attend meetings due to depression, completed homework but struggling to implement the tools I have learned, lost my CPN and generally gone backwards. I am being told by my therapist that I know the tools and I should know how to cope, I've had my time, there are over people waiting, I chose to not turn up to meetings and I've had my chance.

Every time I try to explain this to her she invalidates me, and over rides what I say with a but, if, should, you need to, you should of, its your choice, all the things that she is teaching me not to do. I've tried to remind her that I am mental ill with what is effectively brain damage and the choices that I am confronted with are limited as a result.

People with BDP/EUPD (Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder are commonly linked with damage to the amygdala which is a collection of cells near the base of the brain. There are two, one in each hemisphere or side of the brain. This is where emotions are given meaning, remembered, and attached to associations and responses to them (emotional memories). The Amygdala is considered to be part of the brain's limbic system. So this would confirm that when it comes to rational, logical and emotional decision that I truly dont have a lot of choice and control over them, hence why I'm doing this course.

I am perplexed that I am having to explain this to my own therapist. I have asked to speak to a clinician so I can tell them my concerns and hopefully speak to some with a bit more authority than her that will listen to my issue. When things are good between me and my therapist she is open and generally a nice person but every time I address her with this issue I'm met with defiance and she becomes very much void of any responsibility, compassion or empathy of my struggles. 

I will ring the TCMHT (The Community Mental Health Team) again tomorrow to see if I can resolve this matter. Am I being unfair for asking to have my shot at DBT again? Am I being unfair in wanting my chance of DBT from start to finish? Am I being unfair in saying that I have struggled since the changes? Am i being unfair in wanting DBT the way it was intended so that I can get the real benefit of this amazing course?  Am I being unfair in wanting to be a success of the course? As I am told it has a high success rate. I dont believe I am, after all this is a necessity for me not a luxury.

WGW1WGA